what it's like telling the people you love that you have left the fold.

this past week was general conference.
it was 10:30 am on saturday morning. i was editing photos while remy napped. i glanced at the clock and realized conference was on, and i wasn't listening to it.

for the first time in my life, i didn't make an effort to listen to conference.

six months ago, i became very upset and angry listening to general conference. that thought that had echoed in my mind for almost a year. why do i belong to a church that i disagree with on so many fundamental points? a church that constantly reminds me of being sexually assaulted? that makes me feel worth less for being a woman?

this time, i didn't get upset. didn't have to sit there trying to reconcile my personal beliefs with those of men i don't believe are prophets.

i have never felt so at peace with myself as i do these days. and it is wonderful.

of course, it has been scary to get to this place.
will i disappoint my parents?
will my mother feel like a failure?
will my brothers stop looking up to me?
will travis feel like i abandoned him and our eternal promises?
will remington be torn between parents who disagree on such important ideas?

last weekend when we were in st. george staying with my grandparents, i was afraid to wear the tank tops i'd brought in front of my grandparents, because i didn't know how to tell them that i have left.

it is hard to leave the faith you belonged to for all your life, even when you want to leave. you leave the parts you disagree with yes, but there are the cultural things i miss. sometimes i want to go to church, just so i can hear the toddlers bear their little testimonies of Christ, or feel that sense of belonging somewhere, which i have really only ever felt in the ward i grew up in.

but for me, the hardest part was telling my family and friends i was leaving.

there is tremendous pressure in the lds church to follow the rules. don't date until you are 16. serve a mission. marry a worthy returned missionary in the temple. have children. endure to the end. like i have said before, i followed the rules pretty closely. yeah, i probably kissed to many boys, but i didn't go much further than that. i never drank coffee or alcohol. never tried any drugs.

my parents and travis had seen me growing away from the church for months. i had confided in my mom the things that i didn't agree with, like gay marriage and women's roles. but it wasn't until the 4th of july last year at a family picnic when and uncle and i got into a huge argument about gay marriage, that my mom ever heard me say, "i don't understand why i'm even part of a church i don't agree with."

then a few months later, we had an amazing late night conversation, where i broke down, talked to her about the sexual assault (and we haven't had more than a handful of conversations about that, as it is very complicated.) and we talked about my problems with the church. we cried together and she assured me that she loved me no matter what, and wanted me to be happy. her biggest worry wasn't about my eternal salvation, but that it wouldn't hurt my marriage with travis.

i am so very lucky that she is my mother. 

then with a lot of therapy, i made the break and stopped going to church. when i first made the decision to take a break, i immediately called my brother chad, who hasn't gone for years to tell him and ask him how he has handled it all this time. then i called my dear friend morgan, and told her i might be randomly calling her, asking her to reassure me that i'm a good person. morgan stopped going to church when we were in high school. she had always been respectful of my choice to stay; even when i started questioning she never tried to persuade me one way or the other. she has been a huge support during my faith transition.

then i told travis. his first response was, "you have to do whatever makes you happy."

i know that i am blessed to have these people in my life who accept me as i am.

of course, it isn't that simple with travis. in all aspects of his life, travis needs time to figure out how he feels about something. he isn't ready to talk about it the second he learns of it, like i am. so it has taken several months for us to communicate about it all.

i tried to see his side. it would be scary for your partner to all the sudden change a huge thing about them. you might wonder what else they changed their mind about. maybe their love for you? their personality you fell in love with. travis has been incredible. he teases me every sunday when he walks about the door in a suit and tie. "want to come with us?" or i'll be cuddled up in bed about to take a nap and i'll say, "sure you want to go to church?"

i don't know what is going to happen with remington. travis wants him to go to church. and i like primary. i think it's a great place to learn about Jesus and being a kind person. plus i love all the primary songs. but i don't want remington to get baptized when he is eight. when i was eight, i didn't know anything besides it would make my family happy, i got to wear a pretty white dress, have a party afterwards, and my grandpa would give me $1000. (he generously gives all the eight year olds $1000 in a mutual fund to use for college or whatever else.)

that was the part that scared me the most about leaving, that remington would get married in the temple and i'd be outside, missing my baby's big day. that kept me up at night and had me crying. a lot. then travis said to me one night, "collette, that is so far away. let's just take this a day at a time and figure it out."

my mom has continued to be nothing but supportive and loving about it all. my dad, brother reed, and i had a big talk about a month ago that went late into the night and had emotions running high. my dad finally understood how i felt. at the end of the conversation, i told him, "dad, i hope you don't mind taking the elevator down from that top kingdom to see me."
his response i will never forget. "i'm sure you'll be taking the elevator down to see me."
and then we laughed.

i am blessed to have a father who doesn't see the world in black and white. he taught me to think about things and not just go along with what the authority says.
i still remember talking to him about my high school sociology class. "dad, interesting fact, did you know that data shows that marriages last the longest in japan. i would have thought it would be somewhere with lots of LDS people."
and him replying, "does it take into account if the marriage was faithful?"

(this is not saying anything about japanese marriages being unfaithful, just that my dad was trying to get me to think critically.)

anyway, both of my parents have been wonderful.

last weekend with general conference, i was at my parents' house saturday afternoon while my dad and brother were getting ready to go to the men's session.
"hey dad, going to conference?"
"yeah, why don't you join us?" and then he realized that he was teasing me about not being able to go to the men's priesthood session, something i have beef with. "oh wait, never mind." and then we laughed together.

yeah, i'm really lucky.

my mom told me that the way they feel about it all is this.
"we have two kids who go to church, and two who don't. but they are all wonderful people."

as for telling friends, it was mostly positive. most of my friends aren't LDS, so i didn't get too much negative response. i've had a few emails about, don't leave! you're leaving the truth! but for the most part, everyone has been supportive. THANK YOU.

i've overwhelmed with the emails of your own faith stories. thank you from the bottom of my heart for sharing those personal things with me.

if you are LDS and it makes you happy, then i support you. everyone finds their peace and comfort in a different way. stay where you feel safe and loved!

it was hard, but truly humbling to let myself be vulnerable and open to my parents and travis about this, because of the love they showed me.

anyway, that's enough rambling. one of these days i'll figure out what i believe now and write it down. one of these days when i figure it out for myself.

xo.