remembering, choosing, loving, kissing, more kissing.

 the following is a picture story about finding love. 

love.

that thing we all desperately want.

the thing we all search long and hard to find. 

at times, it seems impossible. 

i'm going to be alone forever, you think. 

or, you find it, and then it splits your heart into a billion pieces.

seriously, "heartbroken" doesn't begin to cover it. 

until just when you're convinced you'll never find "that person." 

you do. 

it's marvelous. 

intense.

easy and hard. 

every valentine's, i remember back to all the past valentine's and who i spent them with. or who i didn't spend them with. right after i got married, i remember feeling like all the sudden it wasn't okay for me to talk about or remember the guys i had previously dated, unless it was to trash them. which felt a lot like cutting out the past decade of my life, and cutting out people i had loved dearly.  then, once while practicing to sing in sacrament meeting, i talked with my pianist, a beautiful woman in her 60s, and she told me how she had to make a choice between two men she loved. that sometimes she wondered what life would have been like if she'd chosen the other man. how she ran into him at a funeral and still found him handsome. 

it made me think. 

see, this was the time when alex started writing sad songs about me and how i had chosen the wrong guy. of course i heard them on facebook, because all my friends were talking about them. 

and a few months previously, like right before i got married, a man i loved dearly, but who things hadn't worked out with, called me and begged me to call off my engagement to travis. he wanted another chance. 

of course i told him no, that i was committed and in love with someone else, someone who didn't lie to me or lose his temper. 

but i'd be lying if i said i never thought about it. what life would have been like. during that first terrible year of marriage, i did wonder sometimes. did i make the right choice?

i feel like we never talk about that. once you're married, you have to be one hundred percent committed. you have to forget every other person you ever loved, or else you are committing adultery in your mind. which is what i felt the lds church taught me, although you could probably argue that point. 

i had many many great experiences and sweet moments with several other people i loved. not to mention passion and some wonderful kisses. 

i have to pause here in case travis reads this. 

travis. i love you. i chose you and i am the luckiest in the land to have you. 

that's the thing about marriage that i didn't know when i got into it. 

like i had heard it before, but you just don't get it until you're in it, you know? 

it's not like fairy tales or romantic comedies where everything is all happily-ever-after. 

you have to choose and rechoose every day. during every disagreement or big fight. during hard times like not being able to make love to each other for almost a year due to illness. 

you have to choose when that old flame of yours emails you a few months after you're married, and you know it's not a good idea to respond to his email. you choose to love the one you chose. 

but, before i had chosen, man did i have a lot of love and a lot of heartache. like i've said before, i fall in love easily and have a tough time falling out of love. my dating life could fill an entire tv series. like a 10 season series. 

of course alex would have an entire season. 

then there would be the pre-med guy from my spanish class, chase carlton. what a name right? i had that stalkery obsession with him, mostly because i was really lonely in college without alex around and i needed someone to fill up that space. 

there was the guy who told me he'd leave his girlfriend for me, but that i needed to stop wearing bikinis, because they were immoral. 

there was a kiss i had in an elevator when the power went out and we were stuck there. first date, and the guy used waaaay too much tongue. *cough* tony valdez *cough*. 

there was the time right after i'd moved to hawaii and i was feeling adventurous. i met up with a stranger on the beach to makeout. he got angry when i wouldn't let him feel me up and that was that. 

there was the guy who reminded me of alex, and i'd pretend it was alex i was kissing every time we made out. 

one of my all time most sexy kisses ever was when, the guy who begged me to leave travis kissed me for the first time. we had been dating for a month maybe, and i was actually someone else's "girlfriend." but he was in utah and i was in hawaii with marc, who had a swimmer's body and the same sense of humor as me. i had invited him to my house for dinner. no one else was in the kitchen with us and i was standing over the stove, flipping a tortilla. i still remember what i was wearing, my red hot chili peppers t-shirt and black shorts. out of no where, marc grabbed me around the waist, pushed me up against the glass door, put his hand behind my neck and kissed me in a way that left me entirely breathless. just the one kiss, and then we were back to cooking dinner. oh, i'll never forget that kiss. 

there was the valentine's day i spent in hawaii. a guy i'd been friends with for years flew out to surprise me. i came home from school and there he was, sitting on my couch. i was afraid he'd be disgusted to see my weight gain. on valentine's day, he bought me dinner at my favorite thai place, and then at sunset we went for a bike ride to see a secret beach. there were stone steps down to the water. we walked down those steps and then we kissed. a sweet and gentle kiss. one of the most romantic kisses i'd experienced. we talked about what life would be like if we married. the books we'd have. our home. 

before i'd met travis, i had this secret fear. i was afraid that i'd never stay faithful to the person i ended up married to. i know that this sounds terrible and now that i am married to my love, i know i'll always choose to be faithful. but back then, i didn't know how to only love one person. i loved alex. i loved marc. i loved jordan. i loved davis. i knew that there were plenty more people i could love. how on earth was i supposed to stay with just one of them, when i loved all of them? 

the last time alex and i ever hugged, something else i'll never forget. 

it had been two years. he was just home from his mission. i was dating travis and he was angry at me. i drove to his house and picked him up so we could go on a drive and talk. we drove and talked for several hours and listened to music. at the end of the drive, we both knew it was over. i pulled into his driveway and got out of the car with him. he wrapped his arms around me and enveloped me into his smell, that scent i'd missed so desperately while he was away. i still remember how it felt to stand there in his arms. he looked me in the eyes and said, "if it doesn't work out with travis, call me." then i drove away and it was really over. 

my first kiss with travis. of course it was on our first date. we'd known each other a little in high school, but that was three years before. he picked me up in that black tacoma he used to drive. we drove up near the capitol building to stargaze. i brought a star chart, like i was really planning on finding constellations and maybe holding hands with him. but as he'll tell you, i only brought one pillow, so he laid his head next to mine, and then we were looking at each other and all the sudden we were kissing. i've never had that instant chemistry with anyone else. (and yeah, i kissed a lot of people.) he kept looking at me and saying, "i can't believe i'm kissing collette charles. you are so beautiful." 

flattery works on me. like really works. 

i guess the point of all this is that love is weird. and all that talk about soul mates isn't necessarily true. i mean, yeah, i'd say travis and i are soul mates. it's romantic, and it wasn't coincidence that we ran into each other in a place where neither of us had been in a year. (mcdonalds. aaaaaand the romantic story feeling just ended for you, right?) but we do all have history. we are all compatible with more than one person. it's okay to remember and smile.  i feel very blessed to have known so many exciting romantic moments. i experienced my share of heartache, too, which also really grows you up quick. 

you choose your love. then you choose to keep loving them. 

and surprise, it gets better and better. 

i'm not just talking about sex. 

:) 

really though, i love you travis and i'd choose you again if i did it all over. 

xo.