that time i was committed against my will to the psych ward: looking back.

i swear this is the last official post about the story of my lock up.
the things you swear will never happen to you somehow end up happening to you, right?

so things are a lot better. antidepressants really do work. depression affects your brain just like heart disease affects your heart. well not just like, but depression isn't just a mental thing. physically, it kills your brain. that's why you feel sluggish, tired, uninterested. 'cause yo brain is DAY-UD.

so if you don't suffer from depression and don't care about medications for depression, tune out, but if you're dealing with this, here's what i'm taking and what it does to me.

i started with lexapro. i'm up to 10 mg every morning. when i first got on it, it was terrible. i was nauseous, exhausted, and sad. but after three or four weeks, those side effects wore off and i started feeling great. like happier than i had felt ... ever. huge downside though, my sex drive is all but dead and it's almost impossible to reach orgasm. so choose. happiness OR great sex. awesome.

so my outpatient psychiatrist, who is a strange man who speaks very softly and does not know how to talk to a sexual assault survivor at all, decided i should try wellbutrin in addition to the lexapro to see if that helped the sex matters. lexapro travels through the same neuropathways as your sex chemicals do, which interrupts the party time, whereas wellbutrin travels through a different pathway, thus leaving your sexy times be.

the wellbutrin made me feel even happier and more normal, but the sex thing, barely any change. also wellbutrin kills my appetite and makes food taste kind of dull, which isn't great, but i am now at 114 lbs, a weight i haven't seen since junior high. not sure if that's good or bad.

so last week we decided i would try weaning myself off the lexapro to see how i do just on the wellbutrin. the problem is, wellbutrin doesn't treat anxiety and panic disorders, which i have, so long story short, it was a terrible idea, after only two days i was back to feeling suicidal and so boom, back on the sex-killer and i'm already feeling better.

i'm going to counseling every week and it's hard of course, but it always helps. if you need a trauma counselor, go see jessica at lds family services in sandy. there is also a new therapy to treat PTSD called EMDR  that i'm going to try. we'll see. it's hard to imagine a life without triggers, flashbacks, and anxiety.

overall, doing much better. i'm pretty happy until someone makes a comment about, "oh well with your next baby" or "better fill up all those bedrooms with kids" (and yes, these are real comments people make.) and then i'm sad and hate my body for not handling pregnancy well and i hate hyperemesis and i feel a loss that i'll never grow another baby in my own body. i stress over adoption and how that would go. i worry that a surrogate would have that connection to my baby, the connection you make when you share your body with another human being, and that my child would feel that. just as soon as i'm convinced that remington will be an only child and it will be great, i think about taking family trips and worry that he will be lonely without a sibling.

if only we could plan our lives and know exactly when and how things would happen right?
(boring.)

the good news is, now i'm enjoying being a mom. when remy cries, i don't lose my mind and get impatient. i don't want to ram people at the grocery store with my cart. i don't snap at travis for every little thing. i don't hear and see things that aren't there anymore. psychosis is terrifying, seriously. i'm still pretty anxious about remy's well being, but i'm not afraid to be alone with him anymore. (i used to freak out that he would stop breathing and i would end up getting dizzy and light headed from fear that he would die and i would  be powerless to help him.)

sometimes i still feel guilty that in order for me to be a good mom and enjoy being a mom, i have to take pills. i know it's irrational. i know that it's a physical problem my brain has and that i'm treating it with medication. i still feel it. as much as the majority of general conference made me angry, {this talk} about mental illness brought me peace.
(yes, still having trouble with THE CHURCH but that is another post entirely.)

so i kind of lost my mind this summer. it all feels like a dream stometimes, that i was so crazy i had to be locked up for my own safety. travis gets upset when i call myself crazy, but that really is what it felt like.

as scary as it was to open up and ask for help from my support system, it feels incredible. travis has been absolutely wonderful with everything. my mom comes over every night when travis is at the station and helps me take care of remington. travis's mother has been a great listener and is always there when i need anything. it was hard and scary to tell people what was going on with me, but i've been pleasantly surprised at how great it feels to ask for help.

people want to help. ask them for help when you need it.

to those of you who have emailed or messaged me your stories with postpartum issues, thank you from the bottom of my heart. we are not alone in any of this.

last night i went to a friend's for a barbecue celebrating a dear friend finally getting pregnant through IVF.  i looked around the room at all the moms. one who had spent three years and thousands of dollars trying to get pregnant. one who had just had a miscarriage and was devastated over it. another whose 15 month old daughter has had multiple serious health problems. me, with my hyperemesis and postpartum issues. another mom who has stomach issues and as a result had an awful pregnancy full of nausea and vomiting.

moms are strong. moms are the strongest.
i'm proud to be in the ranks.

no shame in being mentally unstable.

xo.