postpartum.

after you have a baby, they tell you to wait six weeks before resuming exercise, heavy lifting, and sexual activity. they tell you to expect to cry a lot, to feel sad for no reason, and feel totally overwhelmed. they tell you to expect to bleed, have soreness and tenderness in your nether regions, and to give your body time to get back to pre-baby.

super fun, right?

so back when i started thinking about getting pregnant, i researched the "h" out of what could happen to my body. (funny, i never knew to look up 'hyperemesis gravidarum.') the part about pregnancy that terrified me the most, besides the possibility that my acne could flare up, and well, okay the obvious part about giving birth with my vagina, was the six week postpartum period. we've all heard horror stories about baby blues. we've all heard the stories of sleepless nights. my child development class told me that a good chunk of marriages suffer after having a baby. all this is pretty hefty stuff.

whelp. i'm seven weeks postpartum. i survived.  thought i'd share a few details about that.

i think i had it a lot easier than most women. first of all, because compared to the hell my pregnancy was, anything was easier to handle. being trapped in a body that feels like death for that many weeks is just plain torture. being released from hyperemesis prison was a wonderful gift. yeah, i was/am exhausted, my crotch was reamed with a second degree tear, i cried a lot, but still, so much easier to handle than pregnancy.

also, i was blessed to have travis home from the fire department for a whole month. yeah, he still had to work his other jobs, but he was home every night and the majority of the days. i know most women don't get that luxury and i know that made all the difference in keeping my sanity.

also, as i'm not breastfeeding, i avoided a lot of the pain and misery that comes from that.

anyway, here we go.


physical recovery

once the epidural started wearing off, i think i was even more thankful to have gotten it, because i started feeling the after effects of pushing a baby through a tiny birth canal. nurse ashley came and found us upstairs after we moved to recovery, and it was great seeing her and telling her about the delivery. she told me she was glad i only tore to a two, because, and she hadn't wanted to say this before i delivered, i apparently had a tiny vagina and co. yes, vagina and co. it's a company i'm thinking about starting. so yeah, it hurt a lot. i was sore everywhere. my lower back, my triceps, from gripping my thighs while pushing. my shoulders, abs, crotch.

oh and that first poop after birth? terrifying. absolutely terrifying. thank goodness for stool softeners. and tuck's hemorrhoid pads.

it took several weeks before i could sit flat on my bottom.

you bleed. a lot. for weeks. you wear a giant pad, i'm talking giant like over a foot long. going potty is a huge ordeal. you pee, trying not to bleed on the floor as you sit on the toilet, then you spray yourself down with a squirt bottle, then you dab, because wiping could dislodge stitches, then you put an ice pack in these strange mesh disposable panties they give you, then you put the tuck's pads, this strange aneseptic spray, and a gel on top of that. then you pull everything up and tuck it around your giant, flabby, deflated belly. twenty minutes later, you can leave the bathroom and resume your business.

so what happens to your breasts if you aren't breastfeeding?
for me, milk came in around five or six days after b-day, aka birth giving day. i noticed that my boobs were rock hard in some areas and very tender. i just wore a tight fitting sports bra night and day and basically tried to ignore them. when i showered, i didn't let the water touch my nips. don't encourage the milk! was my motto. yes, it's freaky to see milk leak out of your boob. yes, being a mammal is kind of sucky sometimes.
two weeks of this and they "dried up" and went back to being my old boobs. they have even started to shrink! hallelujah.

that was the worst of it for me physically.
no i haven't had sex yet.
i'm getting an IUD put in this tuesday, and THERE IS NO WAY ANY KIND OF SPERM IS GETTING ANYWHERE NEAR MY BODY WITHOUT A VERY STRONG BLOCKADE.
especially with travis's susperswimmers and my grandma's fertility being passed to me.

eh hem.

the no-sex-thing was pretty easy for us, mostly because, let's be honest, we have had sex a total of four times since last august. and by sex i mean, let's try but end up crying because i'm too sick to really do it.

yes, sex is important in a relationship, but turns out you can survive without it and actually grow very strong.
but still, let's get that IUD in there, stat.

oh yeah, another physical recovery thing, starting to exercise again. i was nervous that it would be tough, but i waited the full six weeks and then worked out three times this week. not only was it fine, it was amazing! going to kickboxing again for the first time was pretty emotional. my teacher hugged me, i cried, etc. etc., healing process, etc.
and i haven't been as sore as i imagined nine months without exercising would make me.

cool.


emotional recovery

someday when i'm sitting down talking with God, i'm going to ask Him why it had to be estrogen and progesterone. don't we women have enough to deal with, without having these hormones?

emotionally this has been a roller coaster, as i'm sure any new mom would agree.

you're so excited and happy and on cloud nine. and yet, you cry all the time and feel so alone.

our first week home, i was on a high. running on three hours of sleep a night. i felt completely manic and wild. travis kept telling me to slow down. then, exhaustion hit. the exhaustion fueled the depression, the depression fueled the isolation, the isolation further fueled the depression. cycle repeats. it's more overwhelming than you can imagine, being in charge of this little person, who you love more than anything, this little person who is 100  percent helpless. such anxiety i've never felt! walking down the stairs at night with him to make a bottle, my mind's eye would see me stumble and drop him, and hear his anguished cries of pain. i would see travis's face, blaming me for harming our son. it was like i had no control over my thoughts. if remy was laying on a blanket on the floor, i would imagine if i accidentally stepped on him. whenever i placed him in his bouncer, i would get on my hands and knees and examine the thing for safety. what if something was unhooked? what if there was a malfunction and he fell out? sleeping was and sometimes still is terrifying. i lay there, listening to him breathe, a sound that now seems magnified, like someone gave him a megaphone, and i lay there trying to sleep but all i can do is listen to make sure he is breathing.
 "dear God, please let me keep my son here. please don't take him away from me." i would pray every night.

then there's the fear that you'll do something wrong.

like when i was changing his diaper and his umbilical chord fell off. i was convinced it was because i had snagged it on the diaper. i cried and cried.

then two days later, his circumcision ring fell off and i cried some more.

last week, his right eye swelled up. we took him to instacare, as it was ten pm. the nurse practitioner explained that his tear duct was clogged, that it is very common in newborns. he was going to be fine.
and i cried the whole drive home. because i can't keep everything bad from happening to him. i can't protect him from life. travis asked, "babe, what's wrong? he's fine!" and i sobbed, "i can't protect him from everything! someday someone is going to break his heart or let him down and i won't be able to stop it from happening."

slightly irrational maybe?

that love, it makes you feel crazy things.

i cry a lot.
i cry for my pregnant self who had no control over anything.
i feel like my body let me down and i cry for that.
i cry when remington smiles at me.
i cry when i sing to him because of love's overwhelming power.
i feel lonely sometimes and i cry for that reason.

it's getting better though. we're all adjusting to the responsibility of parenting and the lack of sleep. my hormones are getting back to normal, my body is getting back to normal. whatever "normal" is now, because it sure isn't what it was before pregnancy.


some tips for surviving postpartum

• take a shower and get ready for the day, even if you don't have plans. do something to make yourself feel pretty, because even though that shouldn't matter, it does.

• give yourself time. when you try on a pair of skinny jeans and they don't button, yes, like me, you might cry about it. but when you're done crying, remind yourself of what your body just accomplished and then pull on a pair of pants with a stretchy waistband. 

• wait the full six weeks to lift heavy things and exercise. i tried doing some push ups and sit ups at three weeks, and ended up making myself bleed more. just wait and give your body time. 

• get out of the house. repeat, GET OUT OF THE HOUSE. if you're like me, and depression makes you reluctant to reach out for help, then at least answer the phone when friends call. (thank you lilian.) get out of the house and go do something fun, maybe even with other moms who can reassure you and makes jokes about new mommyhood. 

• don't beat yourself up if you get frustrated with your baby. travis's first day back at the fire station was rough. i was exhausted and feeling terrified at 48 straight hours alone with remington. i was frustrated with him because he was fussing and not going to sleep. then i felt terrible for being frustrated. luckily, mom came to the rescue. when i admitted how upset i'd gotten with my sweet, innocent infant, my mom laughed. "do you remember me looking you in the eyes saying, 'what! what do you want!'" of course i don't. and remington won't remember me feeling upset either. obviously, if you feel like you want to put your baby in the oven, that's an issue and let someone help you. but being frustrated from exhaustion and stress is normal. 

• have a person you can call for comfort. in my case, that's my mom. she has come to the rescue over and over, whether it was how to fix remy's diaper rash, (dab mylanta on his bum with every diaper change, seriously works like magic.) or the idea of taking the bottles upstairs every night and making them there instead of trekking down the stairs in the dark or taking care of your baby for you so you can nap. or even, as my mom did, letting you sleep an entire night while she watches him. moms are great. 

• have one-on-one time with your partner. make out a little, or a lot. go for a walk. laugh. let yourself remember that person you were before you got pregnant and consumed with babyness. listen to loud, profane music, if that's your thing. (sometimes it's mine.) do something you love everyday, like exercise, or play music, or paint. just don't forget to be a human being. 

they said it would take six weeks to get back to "normal." whatever that means, because there is no going back once you've started this journey. i know i'll never be the same, and turns out i like the person i am now a little better.

xo.