weeks 13 & 14

week 13 was a giant tease.
here, feel pretty decent for three days in a row and then go back to throwing up every day. also i somehow tweaked my back in the same place i sprained it last spring, which put a super fun twist on everything.

kneel over the toilet retching. OUCH MY NECK! OH MY BACK! puke, puke, puke, body convulsing uncontrollably. SHOOTING PAINS. then travis saying, "that looked really painful!"

haha.

thank goodness that week is over!!!

also, travis was at the station on halloween, so i hung out with my family and hit up his family's halloween party. luckily halloween is my least favorite holiday, or maybe a tie with new year's, but anyway, i wasn't too chuffed about it being low key.


this last week was week 14. most amazing week of my entire life.

started getting some energy back.
started feeling SO much better. still queasy at some points during the day, but NOTHING like before.
started exercising again. starting slowly, but better than nothing, right?
started being able to eat more foods, like clementines, bananas, oatmeal, pretzels, and even some rice and beans from red iguana! still can't eat meat, but i'll take what i can get.
started being slightly less sensitive to smells, which meant i could burn my cranberry mandarin candle!
had a doctor's appointment, which was awful and scary and had me crying through the entire thing. no worries, baby is great, i'm just afraid of my vagina. this dr. appointment requires its own post.

one thing i will never do again, is take my good health for granted.

the day before it snowed 34523 inches, (which was so exciting!) i took a walk around daybreak. the sky was so blue, the trees were so colorful, and the feel of sun on my face was intoxicating. i had my pandora feist/hem station playing in my headphones. and the wonderfulness of the moment, that i was outside, walking around, feeling good, it all just hit me. and i cried and cried. (i was glad i was wearing sunglasses, because there were other people out walking and i didn't need a scene.) that moment was a good one.

then, a few days later i was able to go back to the gym. another emotional moment for me. (don't worry, i kept the crying in check this time.) walking through those doors was like remembering myself, a person who was strong, not the sniveling, puke mess i have been the past several months. going back to the gym was a little like coming home. it's the same gym i started going to when i was so homesick for hawaii, the place that helped me lose 35 pounds, and also shed emotional baggage, the place i went the day before getting married, the place that was there for me when marriage was scary and i was unsure of everything else besides what was inside that gym. going back after my longest absence in almost three years, was incredible.

decked out in gym attire that still fits but is stretching a bit. 

anyway, the second trimester so far is much improved from the first. 

we find out if baby bean is a girl or a boy in three weeks! 

and i felt him/her move this morning! felt like really exaggerated butterflies in there for a split second and then it was gone. so crazy. 

happy new week everyone! thanks for all the love and support through everything. 

xo

week 12

week 12.

sucked.

i don't have a more colorful way of saying it. especially because i gave up swears the day we got the positive pregnancy test.

(if you are sick and tired of hearing how about how sick and tired i am, don't worry, week 13 has taken a turn for the better. hopefully this is the last vomit post. knocking on wood.)

week 12 was the week i was too sick to leave the house for three days straight. i couldn't drive myself anywhere, because driving and puking simultaneously doesn't work.

the small list of foods i am able to manage eating shrunk to extra sharp cheddar cheese and cinnamon toast crunch cereal.

by the way, something i wasn't expecting to have to deal with are my extreme food aversions. i expected to have wacky cravings, but i haven't even really had much of that. it's not that i'm craving a certain food, it's that i can't seem to find any foods i can stand to eat, or worse, smell. i have a sensitive schnoz anyway, but since becoming pregnant, i can't handle the smell of anything. i bought a pair of new black boots a few weeks ago and the first night with them in my room, i couldn't sleep because the new shoe smell was making me gag. i had to get up take them out of the room. i'll walk into my parents' house and the smell of whatever they are cooking sends me straight to the toilet to retch. i haven't been able to cook for months, because whenever i cook, something about the heat of the stove/oven plus the smell always makes me throw up. travis's deodorant makes me sick. anytime travis comes in from working anywhere, the smell of gasoline, or fire station, or wood shop makes me gag.

the ironies of pregnancy make me so angry.

at a time you actually need the extra calories, you can't eat anything, which makes you sicker. yeah, the old me who was slightly fatter is seriously peeved about this. 

or how about, here, enjoy having the nicest, perkiest boobs of your life. oh but sorry, they are going to ache and be far too sore to enjoy them. in fact, don't plan on ever being intimate with your husband ever again.

oh also, what's up with all the lower back pain i'm feeling? isn't that supposed to come later when i'm lugging a bowling ball around? and i'm really enjoying the sciatic nerve pain shooting up my butt cheeks, the pain i only used to feel when i pushed it too hard running. yeah, i haven't been able to exercise like that in several months either, which is making me crazy.

week 12 is the week i discovered my least favorite food to puke, which is boiled eggs. tiny vomit flavored egg chunks stuck in my nose, yummo.

i have to document all these details for myself because a few months after giving birth, my brain is going to release hormones that will actually make me forget how awful all this was. and honestly i'm not sure i will ever be doing this again.

please don't tell me that i will because my rage is a scary thing right now.
no really, just ask travis.

week 12. i was so exhausted that i sneezed green all over my arm, stared at it, and decided it was too hard to get up to clean it off. so it dried there, all crusty. this exhaustion is like nothing i've ever known. after puking your guts, kidneys, and liver out, and having vomit splashed all up in your hair, you don't even care. which is bad because the smell makes you sicker. but showering is pretty much the hardest because you have to stand the whole time, plus the hot air makes you throw up more into the shower.

i am so thankful that all our family planning, all $700 worth of IUD worked for us, because if this had happened while i was in school, i'm pretty sure i would have quit. i couldn't have handled the two hour a day train commute, (seriously, where would i have thrown up?) trying to find something to eat on campus between classes, plus the enormous stress of coursework.

i am so thankful for my mom, that she lives twenty minutes away, and how wonderful she has been through all of this. while working a full time (plus some) job and taking care of her own life, she finds time to come to my house, clean, and i mean scrubbing toilets and vacuuming clean, cook for me, bring groceries, and comfort me through my vomit fits. i've lost track of the number of times i've cried on her shoulder, her stroking my back and reassuring me that everything will be okay again. she is the most amazing person to me, always always giving to others. i hope i can be a piece of what a wonderful mother she is.

i am so thankful for travis. pregnancy has been really hard emotionally on me. i've had a hard time opening up to travis about it all, partly because i'm grossed out by how gross i am right now, and partly because he doesn't understand and he never totally will, as he has never been through this. i am thankful for his patience and willingness to do whatever i need. i'm thankful for how hard he works, especially because i'm not working and i'm not sure i could handle working right now. he has probably seen the worst of me during all this, being angry, saying awful things, crying, yelling, giving up, and being weak. anytime i head to the toilet to puke, he's right behind me, encouraging me, holding my hair, and trying to make me laugh. he's gone to five different stores to try to find something i could choke down. he hasn't even slept in our bed for over a month, because i am such a light sleeper now and he was making it impossible for me to stay asleep. so he sleeps on the couch. he makes it a point to kiss and hug me every day, reminding me i'm human, an amazing feat, because i'm about as cuddly as a rabid porcupine right now.

i'm thankful for prayer. if you could hear my mind, it would sound like this every few hours. heavenly father, thank you that i made it through the last few hours. please help me to get through the next few. the times times my stomach was rolling with hunger, but i've been too nauseous to eat. heavenly father, i need to eat something but i'm too sick. please either let me throw up, or feel better. and seconds later, i'm doubled over puking. and then i can eat. i'm thankful to have faith in a god who cares about my hour to hour physical suffering and gets me through it all.

as much as the last few months have sucked, i'm trying to find that silver lining, and i've found that i am loved, even at my worst.

here's the 12 week picture, the one day i got dressed. 

a little belly action going! 

peace out week 12! 13 is already looking up. 

xo