the past few weeks i have felt overwhelmed, and not just with finals. (and out of the ten semesters so far i have done in college, this summer was by far the worst.) the past few weeks i have felt myself responding with sarcasm, cynicism, and disbelief to everything i come across.
my psychology textbooks are filled with the problems of the world- marriages that don't last, partners who cheat, parents who abuse their babies, poor black women who trade sex for food and end up with HIV, (i went on a random AIDS kick and read all kinds of the latest stats. fastest growing group of people who are infeccted: african american women.) i learn about how neurotic personalities lead to lonelier, shorter lives, and i am afraid that's going to be me. i worry about my eating habits. i worry about my younger brothers and if they're happy and becoming good men who treat women with respect.
i have been far too concerned with what other people think about me. does travis's family think i'm a good fit for him? does my dad approve of the person i have become? do those people on facebook who i don't ever see think i've let myself go since i got married? do the people i love know i care for them?
then there are the things i see all around me that bother me and make me feel helpless. like yesterday, in line at the sunflower market, the pictures on the magazines. a beautiful, busty, incredibly fit woman with the caption, "you can lose those jiggly legs in 3 weeks!" why should losing my jiggly legs be my first priority? don't i have enough to worry about?
or like on sunday, i was teaching our class about how to make homelife better. one section in the teacher's manual specifically instructed me to tell the boys in the class to learn how to take care of children and to be involved in childcare in their own homes someday. i told the boys this, and they said things like, "don't all girls want to do that baby stuff? shouldn't boys do the outside work and girls do the inside work?" even the girls in the class said they would rather do the "girl" jobs. and i feel so helpless to explain everything.
then i feel overwhelmed when even thinking about raising my own children. there are so many things in our culture that i disagree with. how do i raise a kid to know better when it's all around us.
last night when i was cruising around on the facebook, i stumbled on an event that just bothered me. it's a walk/run to support making utah "less uptight." reading the comments and all the hate for the lds church breaks my heart. it breaks my heart that some lds church members have that kind of hate for homosexuality.
basically, i want to change the world, but i feel completely helpless.
all i can do is change myself, like that famous gandhi quote: "be the change you want to see in the world." i don't have the power to change the minds of those who harbor hatred for something they barely understand. i don't have the power to control the media and what they publish. i can't control what other people think of me.
but i can learn and do everything in my power to understand people who are different from me, so they don't seem so alien. i can show compassion to every human being i meet. i have to stop caring about what other people think, because i'm the only person i have to impress.
"Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think." -Benjamin Disraeli
"Once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to." -Alan Keightley
also. i'm going to permanently delete my facebook. right now. :) much love to all of you. :)
first, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO don't delete it!!!
ReplyDeletealso, I love you and you are my hero. You change me.
Whaddya know -- we both blogged today and used the word "musings" in our title! Haha :) Nice.
ReplyDeleteAmen -- I think it's so easy to let what you THINK other people are thinking about you affect your decisions and self-esteem, but really, it doesn't matter what others think!! Oh, I'm a huge believer of that. I love that you're okay to be your own unique self! It's the best "you" you can be.
By the way -- that movie we made was different than the "Oops! Don't suppose you have flood insurance..." one, it was called "Everything You Are," and we didn't get past the intro... :) But, haha!!! I almost forgot about that one! (Not really, how could I forget it??) I need to dig that one up... hahaha :) So many funny memories.
You have just voiced all of the things I have been feeling/thinking/ugh--YESS. lately. Thank you.
ReplyDeletenot sorry for always creeping.
Plz don't delete, I'll miss you!
ReplyDeleteThat said, I get ya. I feel ya. Life's sometimes a little shit that you want to wring its neck. But the thing is, you DO know better and you can do better for your kids. I feel pretty confident that the church and world are filled with progressives like you that value love and decency and equality viewed through the crucible of the true gospel. So feel placated knowing that your kids might not feel as alone as you do.
you are so true.
ReplyDeletei love you so much.
don't worry what I think about you, but I do think the world of you. You can do anything.
You know Collete? After I read your blogs that so openly talk about sex and other normal normal things, I think you'd be a really cool older sister!
ReplyDeleteI always read thinking how cool it would be to live in a room across from you and talk to you about a n y t h i n g.
hey thanks you guys, srsly. :)
ReplyDelete