the things precious

there are a few things in my life i consider precious, sacred even. i guess you could call them my priorities. at least i would hope the precious pieces of life take precedence over all else. among these are my faith, (taken as both noun and verb here) my family, and music.

i have been thinking a lot the past few weeks about what matters to me. what i would stand up for, even sacrifice for. am i living my life in a way that supports my belief system? how far will i go to protect my beliefs?

i have always tried so hard to be careful. don't offend anyone. don't hurt anyone's feelings. it's ok if they don't believe what you believe, just don't offend them. by all means, listen to them belittle your faith, but don't stand up for yourself in case you (heaven forbid!) hurt their feelings. am i neglecting my own priorities? am i taking the easy way out? am i a coward?

or am i trying to be respectful of others? i guess it's up to me to decide that.

my younger brother is 16. he has recently decided we are brainwashing him by wanting him to sit with us in church. every sunday our family holds its breath, bracing itself for an outburst, slamming doors, him tearing off on his longboard to blow steam. my mom's tears, the ones she tries to hide from us, being the strong mother she is.

so tonight he comes home, all flushed and pleased with himself for meeting some girls at the gateway. man i love that kid and his perfect teenagedness. well, as of late we have had conversations that start well and then slowly lead into arguments. and then fights. we are both a little pigheaded. i don't even have the excuse of being a pigheaded teenager anymore. anyway, we had an argument about church and both of us ended up in tears. kind of the opposite of what religion is supposed to make ya feel. not that the actual religion was doing anything. it was the contrasting ideas about it that did the damage.

and here's where the argument i can hear in my head starts in.

head: really? you think this helps him at all? fighting?
me:* well someone has to stand up for what you believe.
head: he isn't even hearing what you're saying. you're just making him more mad.
me: why can't he see that he's being closed minded too?
head: you were the same way at his age? remember how you promised never to forget how it feels?
me: if he can be blunt about what he thinks, so can i.
head: you better go say sorry before you make things worse.
me: sometimes i can see people's point about organized religion.
head: stop that right now. you can see both sides of the argument with your brother too. now go fix this.

and then i go fix this. but still feel sad when he says, "it's ok. im just tired of everyone in the whole world being mormon and not caring what i think."

instead of arguing, i leave his room thinking, i feel the same way sometimes, but really? what do i even believe? how can i help him to see that everyone is not judging him; he's being insecure. and if they are, what does it matter? am i being a coward by not standing up better for my beliefs? or should i keep choosing my battles?
i guess knowing your beliefs and priorities isn't just something you can decide once and keep forever. everything changes. it's up to us to decide who we are and who we want to be, and then work toward it. constantly pruning, trimming, and repotting our ever evolving precious and sacred priorities. makes sense, i guess.

*yes "me" and my "head" are two separate entities.