i am a woman, therefore i have been harassed, followed by strangers, sexually assaulted, and belittled.

there is a lot of traffic in my mind tonight.

like the rest of the country, i've been reading and hearing a lot about the shootings in isla vista last week. i've read the debates about patriarchy's effect vs mental illness, heard terrible things said blaming women for teasing guys and leading them on, blah blah blah, the whole nine yards internet thing. 

i've also been on a ted talks kick, listening to my favorite topics, women, gender, gay rights, sexuality, feminism. ya know, just exposing remington to the good stuff. 

it's been a lot of information to consider. i've heard stories of women who have been abused by their partners, gang raped, women who rescue children from the sex trade, and women who've undergone genital mutilation. 

then of course, the recent, shocking news of the shootings. 

one of my friends posted this story about a sundanese woman sentenced to death for refusing tore renounce her christianity, with a caption saying something like, it's 2014, how are these things still happening? 

i feel so angry. 

how the hell are these things still happening? 

how have we not all agreed on what the problem is. how have we not all come together and decided to change the way we think about women. how have we not educated our sons, brothers, fathers on what patriarchy does. 

how is it that just a few years ago when i was at the fire station, the topic was about if a woman teases  a man sexually, that she isn't allowed to change her mind about having sex with him. 

literally, a man said to me, "if she is going to be a tease about it, she can't go back. when we're at the point of actually having sex, it's too late for her to change her mind." 

a grown man, a firefighter, a father, a respected part of the community, hell, a person i liked. 

how are we raising generation after generation of boys to feel entitled to women. to think it's acceptable to hit, grope, harass, rape, assault, and even shoot women. (and other men.) 

or even the smaller things, that are still an enormous part of the problem. 

like when an older man driving by while i was out for a run stopped in the middle of the road, asked for my number, and when i wouldn't give it to him, he followed me for several blocks. i was too scared to run home, for fear he'd know where i lived and stalk me (or worse) so i kept running and running and tried to ignore his catcalls. 

like when a man working at a version wireless booth in the mall asked me to go out to his car and give him a blow job in his backseat. this was a man i didn't know, who i was talking to for the first time. 

like when my boss while i was working for a newspaper waited until we were alone and then remarked on how my big my breasts were. 

like how the youth program in my church taught me that my modesty determined the self control of the boy. 

like the way i'm nervous to walk to my car in the dark when i'm leaving the gym, and i keep my keys clutched in my hands if i need to stab an assailant. 

like how in high school, groups of boys would ask me to show them my breasts on a weekly basis. inside the actual high school. and when i wouldn't let one of them feel me up at a track meet, he made up a story about "getting some from me" and told everyone. 

like when i was being assessed by a male psychiatrist and he was asking me about my sexual assault. he asked who he was, and i told him an older boy who i'd had a crush on. he condescendingly asked, "how could you like someone who was assaulting you?" 

speaking of the sexual assault, how did a boy feel like he had a right to my body, no matter what i said? how did he feel it was acceptable to tell me afterwards that my friend had nicer breasts than me. how did his friends allow him to take me behind closed doors, when they were standing right outside and knew what he was going to do to me, knew it was against my will. 

i have enough of these stories to fill a book. i know that you do, too. 

people will talk, say things like, "that shooter was a psychopath. he had a mental illness. we need better gun control." 

1 in 4 women. that's how many will be sexually assaulted in their lifetimes. 

and i'd be willing to bet my life that you can't find a single woman who has never felt harassed or afraid in the presence of a man. 

why is it so hard for us to address the real issue here, that misogyny and patriarchy are the culprits.
could this all have something to do with the way women are sexualized and objectified? the way women are portrayed as the prize you win in movies, music, video games? how men are expected to be tough and solve problems with their fists. 

i'm not trying to man bash. i am lucky to have many great men in my life, and i'm sure you are too. patriarchy also harms men. men aren't just violent with women, they are violent to other men. they rape other men. patriarchy tells men they don't have self control. that they are entitled. that they can't show emotion or weakness. don't be a girl. these don't have to be truths for men. 

(and yes i know that women can rape and abuse others, too.) 

stop teaching boys and girls that the girl's modesty is in charge of the boy's self control. 

stop saying "you throw like a girl." "don't be a girl." "you're crying like a little girl." why is it the worst thing for a little boy to be anything like a girl? what does that say about what it means to be a girl? 

stop saying that boys will be boys. 

if someone makes a joke belittling women, speak up. tell them why you don't like that. 

teach your sons how important it is to have empathy and that it's okay to show your feelings, to have feelings. 

the isla vista shooter didn't just wake up one morning and feel like killing people. 

basically just read this article.  and if you haven't, check out the #yesallwomen hashtag. also this article hit home for me. 

also, this is really awful. 

now that i have destroyed all your hope in humanity and now that you are as angry as i am, listen to this ted talk and i promise you will be filled with hope again. and know that if we all speak up, talk about our experiences, and have those uncomfortable but important conversations with everyone we know, like the argument i had with those firefighters about rape, which they finally ended up understanding, (but only when their captain came in and told them he'd eff up any man who did that to his daughter, but at least the point got across, even if it did have to come from another man in authority, because my opinion meant nothing) things will change. 

things have to change. 

xo.