sonreir

i've had a tough time getting out of bed this week. no, i haven't been staying up that late watching scrubs. it's that i feel completely emotionally drained. last week i was doing the annual freak out of "i don't want to leave my family why do i always miss out on what they are doing and i don't want to move out for another nine months i can't leave my mom again." and then i was doing the "i can't believe the missionary i thought i would marry is finally home and we are driving each other crazy i feel bad for dumping him i'm a terrible person for hurting another human being this way." and then i did the "i think i'll go back to hawaii for one more semester so i'll run over the the U and ask them about transfering oh no i can't believe they only accept four classes from my major now what do i do." and then trying to make a decision based on what will be best for me, not about how i will miss my family, boyfriend-who-i-actually-like-for-once, and life in slc. not to mention the almost sacred feelings i have for hawaii and how much i wanted to be there right now.

i didn't know what to do until we had a family prayer and my brother reed asked that i would know what to choose. and five minutes later i chose to stay in utah, where the schooling would be better for my career and life. where it snows and turns grey for five months and the inversion makes the pollution worse that LA's. far from the beaches i love and the palm trees and choir and my job tutoring koreans and the smell of salt water. i had already made up my mind to go back to hawaii like 12 times. but that prayer, it always gets ya.

so even though i have been home for three months, it almost feels like i just got here. i feel a little awkward again, like it's not my house. my little brother zane thinks it's funny to point out the window in the car and say "look collette! the ocean!" he has been doing that all summer, but when he did it this week, it killed me a little.

i went to alex's homecoming, that missionary who i didn't wait for, and everyone had questions for me about hawaii. i kept talking in present tense, e.g. "yeah it's great i live in a little house on the beach and i tutor esl students and i am in choir. oh i love it so much." till i remembered that morning i canceled my flight and it's past tense now. good memories tense.

it's not all sad though. my brother reed played a show and instead of missing it, i was there with the family, cheering his metalness on. it's been great to hear "we are so happy you are here." from chad and zane every day. my dad and i don't have to cram in little fishing trips because i'll be gone. i had a girl's night with my mom and we watched the time traveler's wife. i'm buying a new coat for winter. there's a piano in my living room, instead of having to find one on campus. and i still have a ticket for hawaii whenever i choose to go. (this spring)

thank goodness for erika dick, who recognizes how sad i am even though i won't call her back because it breaks my heart to hear her voice, but she still found someone to take my spot in the house, and is figuring out a way to ship my stuff home. i can't express how much i love her. miss you hawaii.