catchup

here are some pictures from the past few weeks. charlie bear is growing at the speed of light! he us getting so big that when he accidentally runs into me, he knocks me off balance. he's a ton of work, but also pretty good company.


got meself a hair trim and some bangs. always nice to have a bit of change and freshen up the hairs.


my dear friend alyssa entered an essay writing contest at byu and she won! she invited me to be her guest of honor at the homecoming ceremonies where she read her essay. then there was a fancy shmancy luncheon with all the byu bigwigs, where she received a check for $1500! inspirational!


liana is such a great example to me of being truly committed to religion. we try to hit up the temple every friday afternoon. here we are standing in front of the jordan river temp.


after the women's conference a few weeks ago. i do enjoy being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

what a difference a year makes

remember last year? when our flowerbeds looked like this?
those horrible bushes? and crazy weeds? overgrown everything?

seriously, why were those weeds growing in the lawn?

things look a bit better this year. a fellow fireman hooked us
up with some sod for the random missing lawn parts.

my mom helped me plant starts and bulbs last fall and
i spent hours of my summer mornings weeding and pruning.
also, murray city gives away free mulch every friday afternoon,
which helps the beds look finished and keeps the weeds down.

these flower beds still have a long way to go, (hopefully someone else
will be taking care of them) but they were a great learning experience
and i'm pretty darn proud of myself.

must read

after writing that post last night, i realized i forgot something vital.

this book is the bible of all things skincare and makeup.

the skin care business makes billions of dollars

off of fancy packaging and advertisments.

don't be sucked in! do your research and know what

you're putting on your skin!

i used to sell lancome makeup at macy's.

i made a pretty decent commission.

after reading this book, i couldn't sell the skincare anymore.

because it's full of fragrance and oils that are bad

for skin and just mask the problems.

i would refer my customers to clinique or este lauder.

seriously, read the labels of your lotions and face washes.

it will help!

being brave

about a month ago, i became myself again.
i used to pride myself on a my ability to say what was on my mind.
then i got married. and worried all the time. what did people think about me being married? (they didn't care.) what if i offended travis's family when my opinions were different, and they frequently are. was my dad proud of me? did my mom think i mooched off their food too much and that i should grow up and cook more?

i stopped being brave. i started keeping things bottled up inside instead of just saying them out loud. i assumed that people were thinking the worst of me all the time and became very defensive. i stopped defending my beliefs and myself.

surprise! i became very unhappy with myself.

for about 5 months, i even lost the ability to sing in my high range. (which has never happened except for once when my confidence was shaken for a week.) every time i tried to go past a D, my voice cracked. i thought i was going crazy. turns out my ability to sing is intimately tied to my confidence and self love.

well, after i spoke up to that woman on trax, something inside me just kind of, broke loose.

a family member harrassed me about never coming to events. instead of apologizing, i said what i thought.
i went to church today without wearing any makeup.
i said what i thought to that ex boyfriend who blames me for everything and writes ridiculous songs about me and then plays shows where everyone knows what he is talking about. (i promise to tell this story soon.)

and i am now posting my pre-accutane pictures for all the world (the 20 people who read this blog) to see. plus, if you suffer with acne, maybe these will help you figure out how to treat it.

before i started accutane, nov. 2009

also, my face was a bit more round 20 pounds ago.

if you've never had to deal with acne, this might seem silly to you. but waking up every morning to find giant red erruptions, is very depressing. i have had acne since i was in 6th grade. the boys in my class used to chase me around, yelling for me to pop the pimples i had on my chin. in 7th grade, a boy told me to get some clearasil. this harrassment doesn't go away as we get older.
i have washed my face every night since i was 12 years old without missing a single night.
i have tried every over-the-counter cream, miracle bursting facewash, useless topical prescription, chemical peels, proactive, $50 bucks a pop makeup counter-false-hope there is.
once, i even went to a very shady "second hand shop" in sugarhouse and bought pills that supposedly cleared up your skin.
the instructions for the pills were in chinese.
i still have no idea what i put in my body with those.
when i went away to college, the acne doubled. tripled. sharing a room with a gorgeous girl and her flawless skin didn't help my insecurity. i used to get up earlier than anyone else so i could apply the chockloads of foundation to hide my skin.
i used to sneak down the stairwells (most people used the elevators) to go tanning to burn the zits off. (that doesn't work, by the by.)
once, a group of people who lived in our appartment complex were going hiking. i was invited, but my skin was extra bad, so i said i was busy. my roommates cooked a big breakfast for the guys, and they were all in the kitchen having a great time. i had to pee, but didn't want to have to face anyone without makeup on. so i laid in my bed, clenching my parts so i wouldn't pee the bed. because i had to wait for them to leave before i could use the bathroom.
i have declined countless adventures i so wanted to do: hikes, dates, early morning sunrises, star parties, swimming, working out, running 5Ks, anything involving red-eye flights, and you get the idea.
when travis and i were first dating, he invited me to go play raquetball with him in the morning. i said maybe, and then when he called me to confirm our date, i ignored his 3 phone calls. because i didn't know how to say, "sorry, i have oozing pimples and huge pores, and i just don't feel comfortable letting you see them in all their red glory. i only value myself if i'm pretty, so how on earth could you ever love me?"
he wouldn't have understood then.
in fact, i used to only kiss him when it got dark, because i didn't want him to see my face after the makeup had been rubbed off. he honestly thought that i didn't want to see him while we kissed, because i didn't find him attractive.
i have a million of these stories. having acne is really hard. i knew i could never get serious with a guy until it was gone, because there was no way anyone was seeing me without make up on, which by the way, used to take me 45 minutes to apply.
then a miracle happened. i decided to finally just take the plunge and get on accutane, internet horror stories be damned! there is a lot of hype about accutane causing depression and much damage to internal organs, but it is just hype. i promise. i had never found a derm who actually listened to me, until i met mark pulver. i told him i was so tired of acne, and he suggested accutane.
it's intense. you have to take monthly pregnancy and blood tests. (because if you get pregnant on accutane, your babies will be born without ears.) your skin dries out until it cracks and bleeds. your ears scab. you scalp peels. you sunburn easily. you have to put aquaphor on your lips literally every 15 minutes, otherwise they chap and burn.
worth it.
plus the packaging is hilarious.
after the first month, my skin was already doing better. by month 3, all that was left were scars. by 5, it was gone.
it changed my whole life. i wouldn't have been brave enough to go to the gym and lose 30 pounds. i wouldn't have married travis. i wouldn't go to the pool, early morning classes, late nights with friends, etc. it even makes a simple thing like a haircut easier. (when you have makeup on, the hair sticks to your face. the water from the shampoo smears it...you get the idea.) my entire life is easier. i am so grateful that i was able to take accutane. it's amazing to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and not worry about the lighting making your skin look worse. it's amazing to be able to not wear makeup and to go to the grocery store without being afraid of running into someone you used to know.
if you struggle with acne, don't be scared off by internet stories about accutane. i can tell you, it works.

also, it's really nice to be back to my old self. i never thought i would EVER show anyone these pictures. it's really empowering to just be honest, yeah?

:) if you have any questions regarding skin care or accutane, please email me: collette.charles7@gmail.com

pitchas and a few words

hanging out with my beautiful friend.
and my lazy eye.
but seriously, liana is mah rock!

watching my brother's kickball game with my puppy

sometimes travis does this with his hair after he showers.
it's amazing.

another one of travis in his handsome v-neck.

jeeze, another one of travis. how adorable is he in his fishing gear?

my daddy

rock climbing in american fork canyon. i'm getting braver.

started a new semester of school and found some high waisted pants.

my charlie d00d.

picked huckleberries in island park and then had wholewheat huckleberry pancakes. mmmm

been working on my guns

trimmed my baby's face hairs

livin' it up and getting dirty

insert foot in mouth, rinse and repeat

obviously, travis is at work and i'm supposed to be doing homework. otherwise, i wouldn't write two ridiculously long blog posts in one day. but some funny stuff happened last weekend and i figured i should document.

i have a small problem. some know it as the "foot-in-mouth" syndrome. it appears to be getting worse as time goes on.

disgusting.

not only do i frequently put my foot in my mouth, i am getting worse about just blurting out what's on my mind. enjoy a few of my recent experiences starting with the most recent:

as i have expressed, i'm getting pretty frustrated with selling our house. it's becoming almost a sensitive topic. so this morning on our walk with charlie, when our sweet old neighbor said, "i guess you're not leaving us yet?" i answered, rather curtly, "we're trying!" she didn't say anything else and travis gave me the look.

noice.

a few days ago i was heading home from school. the train was extra crowded and as we shuffled in, the entire train was greeted by the rantings of an angry woman. "get out of the way! i have to be able to see my kids!" the poor soul stepped out of the way, only for her to yell, "ow! now you're on my left toe!" she turned to her friend and whined, loudly enough for everyone to hear, about how uncomfortable she was. we were practically standing on each other and as the train sped down toward the city, everyone jerked forward and back. her friend said, " i think there was more space in the first train." to which the angry woman replied, "then why did everyone get on this one?" she was still speaking in her outside voice, meaning for us to hear how upset she was.

naturally, i opened my mouth and called out, "because we were all waiting in line for this one!"

she looked shocked that i had said anything. but i didn't stop there.

"you say you're uncomfortable, but you're the one sitting in a seat; we're all standing on top of each other. so maybe you should just keep your mouth shut."

everyone on the train looked amazed. a few quiet chuckles escaped. the woman looked to her friend for support and then stammered, "well i wasn't talking to you, so maybe you should mind your business."

to which i replied, "everyone on this train can hear you complaining, so it is my business."

awkward... luckily her stop was long before mine, because the way she and her friend kept whispering and pointedly looking at me, i know she would have kicked my ash.

moving on to last weekend.

travis and i joined my family for a little getaway in island park, idaho, where my grandparents own a cabin. my mom and i dropped the guys off for a long day of fishing and then we headed out to the idaho state fair. great time, blah blah. by the time we went to retrieve the menfolk and their boat, it was dark out. while my mom (so i thought) was backing up the trailer into the dock, i walked down to say hi to travis. i was standing above on the dock and called down to him. he was talking to a medium height, bald man, who could only be my father. i made a joke and the man laughed. while he was laughing, he put a cigarette into his mouth and lit up.

"dad!? are you smoking a cigarette!?" i asked in a very loud, concerned voice and then realized-

"are you my dad?"

he was not.

ok, now let's go back another few months.

one of my favorite cousins was in town and was bringing her boyfriend over to meet the family. i was really excited to see her and to meet this guy she had told me all about. so we meet him, it's going great, and he seems like a great guy. then my dad asks him what he does for work.

"i weld potato beds."

only it sounded more like, "ahh waalld poe tae tah bades." pretty heavily accented.

well if you know me well, you know that i am constantly speaking in different accents, because i think it's hilarious. i even teach sunday school in a russian accent sometimes.

so, when her boyfriend says this, naturally, i repeat what he said, only i accent it like, a hundred times more heavily, so that i sound like a completely uneducated farmer. oh and really loudly too, like when some people are trying to get hispanic people to understand english by yelling.

"AHH WAAALLD POE TAE TAH BAAADES."

silence.

until my mom scolds, "collette!" and my dad mercifully changes the subject, and travis gives me the look.

turns out the boyfriend had just returned from a mission in texas, and the accent was probably heavily influenced by this fact.

it's not all bad, this foot in mouth business.

turns out i laugh all the time.




(if this cousin happens to read this, i'm really sorry if i hurt any feelings. it was not intended. i don't have a problem with texan accents and was only trying to bond with the boyfriend.)

a true love post

i want to say a few things about travis.

although i could probably write an entire blog about him and our relationship, (oh wait, they have those right? married blogs?) i try not to only talk about him, because this is not a married blog. it's not a "travis and collette" blog. i started this blog before i ever even could guess travis and i would end up together. but obviously, travis is a giant part of my life, so he's bound to come up every now and then. *smile.

also, i take no issue with married blogs. also, i've said "blog" so many time that it doesn't look like a word anymore.

back to travis.

it's so wild to me how deeply you can know a person. there are levels. as previously stated, one of my biggest fears is that no one will ever know me completely. it's probably a fear of mine because i have had a hard time keeping close friends over long periods of time, and as most little girls (or at least the girls in my circles) learn, you have to have a best friend to keep track of who you are, so that when you need help or something big happens, you have someone who knows all your history and can fully appreciate your situation. well, i didn't have that kind of a long term friend growing up. it didn't help that i dated an outrageous amount of boys and the one boy i did go crazy for ended up breaking mah heart. ok, enough of this collette.

basically, i have a hard time opening up to people and have been disappointed time and time again. it wasn't any different with travis. when we first started dating, he kept telling me i had to open up, or we couldn't progress. turns out, even now that we're married, i still have a hard time with this. the people i loved most kind of broke me for awhile, so it's hard to believe that won't happen again. (oh jeeze, sound like a high school girl much?)

but, turns out travis is a magician. or at least really patient, caring, loving, and good at making me feel comfortable. needed.

i had a really bad night a few weeks ago. i felt angry at anyone who had ever hurt me. angry at myself. i couldn't sleep. i was in a really dark place, just not seeing the point to this life. in the middle of the night, i jumped out of bed and told travis i was going for a walk. he asked if he could come and we went for a long walk, where i fumed and stormed. when we finally got home, i started to cry. it was an alarming amount of crying, to the point where travis asked if we should call someone. my choice place of crying is in the bathroom, on the floor. travis sat there on that dirty bathroom floor with me and let me cry. he killed the spider who decided to join us. he brought me more toilet paper to blow my nose. he held onto me and just let me feel everything. and then when i could finally talk again, he asked me to tell him what i was thinking about.

and i told him. i told him everything. even the really bad, petty, hopeless, angry things i didn't want to tell anyone, ever. instead of looking shocked or judging, he offered really good advice.

about a month ago, the night before i turned 23, i had another rough night. i was angry at the boy i thought i loved a long time ago, because i am always the bad guy. (this is a really long story and i'll have to tell it sometime.) basically, he went on a mission and i didn't wait. and while i wasn't waiting, i realized he wasn't good for me and that he hadn't actually treated me all that great.

well, i had a really big sack full of letters he wrote me while he was gone. when he came home and things didn't work out, i couldn't let myself throw all those letters away. they represented four years of loving someone and of a lot of growing up. those letters had been sitting in the basement of our house. travis knew what they were, but he didn't bother me about them. i would actually think about those letters a lot, because i knew they needed to go, but i couldn't bring myself to throw away that part of my life.

so that night, before my birthday, i told travis, "i need to burn some stuff."

and we lit up a huge bonfire.

travis helped me burn hundreds of letters.

those are just two examples of how i know travis loves me. what kind of man is comfortable with listening to his wife cry about how much a previous boyfriend hurt and is still hurting her, without being uncomfortable or jealous or feeling insecure?

not to mention letting his dog go live on a farm in idaho and buying me my doodle, working long weeks so i can finish my degree, and so many other little things he does to make me happy.

it's been incredible to come to understand travis better and to let him know me. i don't know how i ever got along without him.

:) hope this makes at least a little sense.

post script

not twenty minutes after that last post, i was making lunch in the kitchen, looked outside, and saw a strange middle aged, hawaiian shirt wearing, fattish, man walking through my backyard.

my first reaction- AHHH!! stomach drops, heart beat races, sympathetic nervous system activates, and i duck out of sight.

great. if someone ever does try to break into my house, i'm going to duck and hide? apparently i'm all about the flight, not the fight.

after i realize that the man is holding one of our for sale flyers and not a lethal weapon, i get really excited and stealthily watch him stare at our house. he walked all around, stood in front of the giant window, and stared inside for a few minutes, while i crouched behind the curtains, holding my breath...for some reason.

(it's my house, dang it! i shouldn't have to hide behind curtains. the sympathetic nervous system makes us do crazy things...)

the middle aged, fattish man did drive a brand new white corvette. maybe he's rich enough to buy our house?

and he should probably pay extra for those years he took off my life, skulking around my backyard like that.

dear corvette driving, stalking man: if you ever come across this post, i'm sorry for calling you fattish. and for that hawaiian shirt you were wearing.

between him and the young couple who parked in front of our house for 15 minutes the other night, i'm feeling all privacy slipping away.

5 things to know about selling a home

our house is for sale.

when we decided to sell our house, we thought, no big deal. our house is beautiful, in the desirable city of murray, in a great neighborhood. we'll sell it in no time.

yet, here we are, three months later, with the damn sign still sitting in the front yard.

i would like to share a few things i have learned about selling a house.

1. expect rejection and don't let it be personal.

after spending countless hours and thousands of dollars (of wedding money, i should add) making your house look gorgeous and feel homey, it can be hard to accept that someone else doesn't like it.

"but we redid the _____!"

"but the new windows and roof!"

no. not everyone likes your house enough to want to live there. yes, you chose nice colors and painted your door red, and spent way too much time on the landscaping. get over it.

2. keep the house clean at all times and don't be upset when you have to rearrange your day for a showing.

you might have your busy day all planned out to a tee. don't be surprised when your realtor sends you a text saying, "showing at 2?" and having to drop everything to mop, spray down, wipe off, and dust your house. don't be upset when the family viewing your house sticks around for an extra hour or two, when you have a test for your online class and really need your quiet office. don't be too bothered when you spend hours cleaning and then the family rejects your house ten minutes after the showing. hey, at least your house is consistently clean now.

3. get over the personal space issues.

strangers are going to come over and touch your stuff. (that was not meant to sound so dirty.) they will examine your closets and toilets. your showers will be scrutinized for cleanliness. your pantry and its contents will be judged. either take or hide the most valuable of items, and get over the idea of a stranger walking through your bedroom.

4. expect bad manners.

when you have a showing, you'll get excited. this is the one! you'll think to yourself. you'll watch from a distance, pretending to walk your dog, as their car pulls up and the family files into your house. you'll drive by as slowly as possible and creepily peer through your windows at them, trying to get a read on their reactions to your home. after they leave, you'll anxiously await hearing from your realtor to hear the verdict. the day will go by, and nothing. another day, and then another, and your realtor apologizes because their realtor hasn't returned his calls. your hopes will slowly die, and you'll forget your former optimism. you may even get strung along by a family who promises to write an offer, then takes three weeks and then offers $40 grand below your asking price. you have to expect these terrible manners and move forward.

5. don't stop loving your own home.

between wanting a new home in a new location, and hearing so many families reject your home, it can be easy to start resenting the home. it won't sell, it's not what you want anyway, it's a money pit, etc. you might start avoiding going home and spending time there because it's not what you, or apparently anyone else wants. even though you'll have to halt the work on the house, stop hanging pictures (because of the holes) and stop decorating, you should still appreciate the home for what it is and what it has taught you. enjoy and love your home, and keep praying and hoping that someday, someone, will see the home's potential and quality.

because it will happen.

eventually.

go here to view our MLS listing.

slacking and coveting my husband's body...um

it's 9:51 am.

kickbox starts in 9 minutes.

i am sitting in my kitchen, eating junior mints.

i have homework, an online stats class to figure out, a house to clean, a tape to transcribe, and laundry to do. i need to shower and get myself ready for class later.

instead, i have been sitting here, playing on picnik for the past 45 minutes.

at least i'm awake right?

so things are pretty good around here. i'll fill you in bullet style:

• i celebrated my 23 birthday! (pictures to come when/if i ever find the USB cord.) travis arranged for a guy he works with to take us rock climbing. we drove down to american fork canyon around 7am and had a really good time. later that night travis took me shopping for new running shoes and then out to cheesecake factory, where i devoured the chocolate coconut cheesecake. (side note: when travis took me shoe shopping, he had a $20 gift card that he graciously let me use. how did he get this gift card? the fire department challenged their employees to lose body fat, and for every half percentage lost, they would give away $10 to sport's authority. how did travis, who is already only 14 percent body fat, manage to lose another percentage you ask? by eating hamburgers, brats, and THIRTY chocolate chip cookies in ONE day! they tested him the weekend after and he had lost body fat. he probably burned calories digesting all those cookies. life isn't fair, amirite?!)

• our fridge, that has slowly been dying over the past year, finally kicked it. (with my cheesecake leftovers inside, so those had to go to, which was almost worse than having to buy the new fridge.) we went fridge shopping and used all my tuition money on the beautiful stainless steel kitchen idol! it even has a water/ice button! oh being married and getting excited about new appliances... by the by, why does something always have to break right around the time tuition is due? does this happen to everyone else?

• school started. i'm taking four classes- stats, psych of adolescence, childhood and adolescent development, and techniques of counseling. other than stats, i am in love with this semester! my techniques of counseling class is going to be three hours a week of practicing counseling each other. no tests, just applying real things i will be doing after graduation- the way every class should be, in my opinion.

• several of my close friends came out to utah for a visit- bonnie and morgan and jane a few months ago- and it was really great to spend time with them and catch up.

basically life is going on as usual. summer is coming to a close and i'm ready for some cooler weather and leaves turning gold.

enjoy some of the products of my picnik time wasting!
(because you just want to keep seeing my wedding pictures...)

10 down, 2 to go. and yes. i know that's too much college.

gonna brag it up for a sec.

my teachers finally posted summer semester grades.

my 10th semester of college
the hardest semester of college.
my first time doing online classes
and our internet was down for two weeks
right during midterms.

the worst summer i have ever had.
well second worst.
i'm sure it would have been easier
if i hadn't just had my IUD put in,
bought a puppy, and decided to sell our house
all at the same time.

but my 3.8 GPA
made all those missed vacations,
late nights, 12 hour paper writing sessions,
thousand + pages of reading,
countless hours of online lectures,
and daily crying

worth it.

(when i started at the U, i made a goal:
never to get below an A-.
so far so good.)

thanks travis, both of our parents, and any of you who
talked me down and reassured me i could do this.

two more semesters and i'm done with my undergrad. :)

this is how i feel right now.

last summer, atop the crouching lion hike in oahu.

the time my nemisis became my friend

good news. remember the girl from the gym who i just couldn't stand? and how it bothered me so much that we had this mutual disdain? this morning at kickboxing we had a breakthrough.

so to backup a tidtch, i learned why i instantly couldn't stand her. in my psychology of love class, i learned that being in a heightened state of arousal can cause us to misinterpret our feelings. so for example, if you're standing on a very high bridge and it's swinging and dangerous, and a super mc-hottie comes to rescue you, you might mistakenly place your feelings of adrenaline and being swept off your feet onto the hot rescue man, instead of just realizing that you are freaking out from certain danger of the scary bridge. well apparently this can go both ways. like if you're at the gym in a state of arousal (from the cardio workout, you pervs, not because i'm aroused aroused) and there is a girl there who you are a little bothered by, because her abs are so incredibly nice that she really could wash her laundry on them, then that feeling of being bothered could be blown incredibly out of proportion, leading you to post shallow and rude things about her on your blog. or to have a feeling of dread the entire week before kickbox class.

no really, tons of people who are in accidents or disasters together end up together, in true love. it's true. it's science.

so, having this knowledge, i decided to try again. and today, when we were supposed to find a partner to "spar" with, i asked her to be my partner. and when she mentioned her husband, i asked her how long she has been married. which led us to a conversation about the adjustments of married life and then we were laughing and making jokes and pretty soon we were friends. and yeah, i'm still a little jealous of her rockin' bod and i'm pretty ashamed of myself for my previous post, but this right here, this is progress. you know, being the change and all that. plus i have a new friend. :)

and yeah, i am using psychology to justify all my faults. knowledge is power, yo.

some musings

the past few weeks i have felt overwhelmed, and not just with finals. (and out of the ten semesters so far i have done in college, this summer was by far the worst.) the past few weeks i have felt myself responding with sarcasm, cynicism, and disbelief to everything i come across.

my psychology textbooks are filled with the problems of the world- marriages that don't last, partners who cheat, parents who abuse their babies, poor black women who trade sex for food and end up with HIV, (i went on a random AIDS kick and read all kinds of the latest stats. fastest growing group of people who are infeccted: african american women.) i learn about how neurotic personalities lead to lonelier, shorter lives, and i am afraid that's going to be me. i worry about my eating habits. i worry about my younger brothers and if they're happy and becoming good men who treat women with respect.

i have been far too concerned with what other people think about me. does travis's family think i'm a good fit for him? does my dad approve of the person i have become? do those people on facebook who i don't ever see think i've let myself go since i got married? do the people i love know i care for them?

then there are the things i see all around me that bother me and make me feel helpless. like yesterday, in line at the sunflower market, the pictures on the magazines. a beautiful, busty, incredibly fit woman with the caption, "you can lose those jiggly legs in 3 weeks!" why should losing my jiggly legs be my first priority? don't i have enough to worry about?

or like on sunday, i was teaching our class about how to make homelife better. one section in the teacher's manual specifically instructed me to tell the boys in the class to learn how to take care of children and to be involved in childcare in their own homes someday. i told the boys this, and they said things like, "don't all girls want to do that baby stuff? shouldn't boys do the outside work and girls do the inside work?" even the girls in the class said they would rather do the "girl" jobs. and i feel so helpless to explain everything.

then i feel overwhelmed when even thinking about raising my own children. there are so many things in our culture that i disagree with. how do i raise a kid to know better when it's all around us.

last night when i was cruising around on the facebook, i stumbled on an event that just bothered me. it's a walk/run to support making utah "less uptight." reading the comments and all the hate for the lds church breaks my heart. it breaks my heart that some lds church members have that kind of hate for homosexuality.

basically, i want to change the world, but i feel completely helpless.

all i can do is change myself, like that famous gandhi quote: "be the change you want to see in the world." i don't have the power to change the minds of those who harbor hatred for something they barely understand. i don't have the power to control the media and what they publish. i can't control what other people think of me.

but i can learn and do everything in my power to understand people who are different from me, so they don't seem so alien. i can show compassion to every human being i meet. i have to stop caring about what other people think, because i'm the only person i have to impress.

"Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think." -Benjamin Disraeli
"Once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to." -Alan Keightley
also. i'm going to permanently delete my facebook. right now. :) much love to all of you. :)

condoms and gluesticks.

disclaimer: this post talks about condoms. if that makes you uncomfortable, just click the little red X at the top right. but, with that opening line, you're probably going to keep reading.

i'm taking accutane right now. it's my second go 'round and it's working great. maybe sometime i'll get brave and post my before and after pictures. some serious pimple-idge. anyway, if while you're taking accutane, you should happen to get knocked up, your baby will be born without ears. and some other sad birth defects. so while i'm taking accutane, travis and i have to use two forms of birth control. i chose the iud and condoms. (last time i took accutane was before we were married, so i got to claim abstinence as my birth control. how cool is that?)

well, buying condoms is always a pretty good time. first off, you get to stand in the awesome FAMILY PLANNING aisle, right next to the vagisil and monostat. and for some reason, it's always late at night, and the florescent glow adds some real romance to the occasion. last time we went condom buying, as we stood there, studying options (glow in the dark! warming and cooling! ribbed for her pleasure! - i'm sorry, but warming and cooling all up in my business just seems like a bad idea.) anyway, we're standing there staring, and this woman walks up and stands next to us. she looks pretty upset about something. then, she abruptly grabs a pregnancy test, mutters under her breath, and stomps off. we felt pretty bad for her, but appreciated the drama.

well last night was that blessed time again. luckily for us, school supplies were on sale so we picked up some glue sticks for 50 cents. after playing the game of "whose blood pressure is the lowest?" (it was mine, btw, but travis did beat me in lowest pulse. and i know that should be "lower" not "lowest" but "lowest" sounds more like an actual game name.)

oh ps, there are some condoms called "magnums" that are for the extra large and i feel really strange about that because of magnum guns. so if you're extra large, it's a gun... and that's pretty frightening and freaky to think about. geeze, what does that do for the self esteem of the guys not buying magnum? why does a man's self esteem need to be centered on size? why is extra manliness associated with guns and therefore, violence? oh and the packaging is pretty intimidating, too. (no pun intended...)



anyway, we picked out our non-magnum condoms and headed up to the front to checkout. i handed our cashier the booty and our good-find-gluesticks. when you buy condoms, the cashier always does this double take and then tries to act like he didn't just picture you... buying condoms. so our cashier, a young strapping lad, does the double take and i'm not going to let that go unnoticed. so i said, "should make a pretty good combination right?" he started stammering and laughing, saying, "um... i guess the glue would help against the pregnancy thing right? or something?"

thanks man, that's a new one.

travis and i walked out laughing, with him telling me that once again, i have gone too far.

(yesterday) happy brithday harry potter! oh and happy one year anniversary!

finding out that we were married on harry potter's birthday (thank you alyssa) only made me love our wedding day more.

so yesterday was the big one year mark for travis and me. and what a wild ride this year has been!


i have heard a lot of single people (and i used to say it, too) say that people rush into marriage. that people should get to know each other better and make sure they know what they're getting in to. well, a year into it, i can honestly say that i don't think a person will ever know exactly what they're getting in to. travis and i had known each other since we were 15 and dated on and off for two years before getting married. i thought we knew each other, but there are things about a person you just don't discover until you are sharing a home, paying bills, deciding who will do what chores and the cooking, and deciding when and if you want to start a family.

the first year of marriage? definitely hard for me. adjusting to living with only one roommate who is gone two to three days of the week was difficult. adjusting to living in a fixer upper construction zone of a house was not a good time. when you're dating and not paying a mortgage, going out on dates is a lot more fun. figuring out how to make ends meet when college tuition and buying a new roof both suck all the money out of the account was a little bit scary. turns out i have a huge fear of having a baby and when travis's side of the family harasses me about kids i get defensive. learning how to balance each other's families was one of the hardest things about the past year for me.

the good news? we did it. we adjusted to living with each other's various habits. we remodeled our house into a place that feels really nice. we learned how to budget and save and cook instead of going out to cafe rio for lunch. we have started figuring out how to balance our extended families while enjoying our own little family. i mean seriously, we had 10 DAMN DOGS living, pooping, and crying in our basement all winter! none of this year was easy! (i told travis i may never forgive him for making me birth his dog roxy all night while he was at the fire department.)

but here we are, still married and loving each other so much more than a year ago when all this started. honestly, it makes me a little worried for what next year may bring, but i kind of think it will only get easier from here. the cliche is that nothing worth having is easy. this hasn't been easy in any way and i'm so happy to have the first year over with.


so what have i learned this year about us? i learned that it's hard to pick a fight with travis because he just laughs the angrier i get. (which in turn, makes me angrier...lol) i learned that we make a really good team when we're doing projects around the house and yard. we're really good at teaching our sunday school class and we are both really good with adolescent punks. :) we're good at training our dog, charlie and when we sit down and create a budget, we stick to it. we're good at taking care of each other when we're sick. travis always knows how to make me feel better about myself. i think i help travis have more confidence in himself, like, he has dance moves none of you would dream he could do! i really have learned that commitment isn't just a word, it's keeping a sarcastic comment to yourself, laughing when you want to yell, supporting his dreams even though it means you have to sleep alone 1/3 of the time, appreciating everything he does for you, and yes, birthing a huge, angry, scary white lab for him. and, it's 100% worth it.


so yes, in our culture, 50% of marriages fail, most of them within the first three years. marriage is a huge change and adjustment that isn't easy, but completely worth it. travis is my best friend, my lover, my partner in crime, and my eternal companion. i'm so thankful for him and for everything he does for me. as it said in his card yesterday, "one year down, 77 more to go!" (our goal is to live to be 100.) oh and i should probably share something else about his card. he made it himself. on the front, he cut out an enormous, ripped, shredded black man's body and glued in on. then inside the card, it says, "maybe if i looked like this without my shirt, our first year would have gone a little more smoothly." ha! love that man. :)

happy one year babe!

dear marriage,

you have been very enlightening this past 11 1/2 months. i've enjoyed much of you and i've adjusted to much of you. but really, it would be lovely if you would allow me to see my husband a bit more. i know, i know, it's not really your fault... but then, it seems we saw each other a whole lot more when we were just dating. and i know, we weren't paying for anything really and now we have a whole host of grown up bills, but i really miss this man i call my "life partner."

you see, travis is working 97 hours this week and this isn't the first time. turns out growing up is a little lonely sometimes.

the other day, a song came on the radio and it was a song i first heard in hawaii. i thought wistfully of days being crammed in the evans' bimmer, smashed next to people i loved, not a care in the world except hoping the weather would be sunny that day. but that's not true, because i had stresses and worries then, just different ones. seems like before i got married i worried a lot about boys- who liked me, who would ask me out, who i was going to end up with. i worried about my looks, my weight, my skin, roommates, etc. i'm sure in a few years i'll look back at myself in this stage of life and think my worries were trivial.

i remember before i was married or thinking about marriage, i felt like it was so far away. it was something "those" people did and "they" were a different sort of people than me. i felt like they didn't need my friendship anymore and that they were just living happily ever after. turns out people still need support after they are married. marriage isn't a cure-all.

sometimes i wish i could line up all the "me's" from different stages in my life and let them have a pow wow. the little kid me would probably tell the now me to calm down and make more time for reading good books. i would tell the 15 year old me to hang in there, that people get nicer later in life. i doubt that the now me would listen to the sage and wise 50 year old me saying, "don't worry so much about keeping your house clean or your face made up. just enjoy the fact that you have so much energy."

this thing we go through, this life thing, it's not always roses and daisies. sometimes when i read, or rather, stalk, other blogs, it sounds like everyone else's life and marriage are so perfect. oh so no one else has petty fights with their husbands about household chores? no one else ever thinks rude thoughts about their spouse? apparently i'm the only one who ever hurts her husband's feelings? i'm not buying that. maybe we should all sit down together and be honest about the things that make us angry, blue, or lonely, instead of reading each other's blogs about how wonderful life is.

and there's the part of my brain telling me to stop being so ungrateful. because there really are wonderful things in my life. i have a loving family, supportive friends, the opportunity to get my education, a freaking goldendoodle! not to mention the most amazing part of my life- travis randy bodtcher. :) after working 15 hours yesterday and all day today, when i visited him at the station he rubbed my back. (don't worry; i rubbed his too. i'm a pretty decent wife like that.) i'm stressed out about money and he's like, don't worry, i'll take care of it.

i guess i just want anyone who reads this blog to know that adjusting to marriage is pretty hard. but when it's good, it's good. and us married people, we're a lot like single people- we just have more sex. (no really, the numbers don't lie; i learned that in my psychology of love class.)

basically, i love my husband, new phases of life take adjustment, we always want what we used to have, and i'm thankful to have this life to figure it all out.

redheads and RIP

there is a certain code between neighbors. you're polite, you compliment their flower garden, you wave hello when they drive by on their way to work. if you get really friendly with them, you might teach their children piano lessons or invite them to join your weekly book clubs. it's all well and good to be friends with your neighbors, but the problem with neighbors is that when things don't go so smooth, they're still your neighbors. if you have a breakup with a friend, chances are you don't see that friend anymore. but ah, the neighbors, they will still be across the street, taking their dog for a walk in front of your house, and possibly sitting in the pew across from you in church services.

you might recall that for mother's day, travis gave me two little kittens. they were adorable and sweet and it was very thoughtful of him.

but what does this have to do with the code of ethics between neighbors?

let's do a little math equation:

sweet neighbor cat gives birth + neighbors give you two cute little kittens + the kittens disappear after two months

= their adorable four redheaded children asking me "how are the kittens doing?" with their giant blue eyes staring up at me. and me answering, "um. well. the kittens, they disappeared."

gasps.

me adding: "we're really really sad about it! we looked everywhere but they are gone. we hope someone nice just took them in."

those beautiful blue orbs still staring as their expressions
turn to disgust at the cat killer before them.

then i run into their father a few days later. he is a very serious and solemn man. he asks me the dreaded question and i get the same kind of reaction. lying did cross my mind, until i thought about the kids asking me to see pictures and me having to print pictures of cats i find online and carry them around with me when i'm near their house. and that was just too messy.

the truth shall not set me free.
for i am a cat killer.

the moral of the story is: don't take free things from the neighbors. don't accept favors or darling little kittens, especially if there are four little kids who adore said kittens and are devastated to see them go. and then to hear that they have disappeared.

also, between this and the whole me wanting to kill roxy thing, please don't show my blog to peta. thanks :)

also, as humorous as i try to make this post sound
i really was upset about the cats disappearing

hope you're in a better place kittehs.

doodle humps

real quick.

i have to go take a test, but i needed a break from studying.

a couple days ago, travis and i were running errands. we decided to take charlie along, since we try to take him along everywhere we go. after hitting the bank, we had to go to one of the fire stations to sell a guy our leftover roofing supplies. the guys working aren't guys i know very well, since they aren't on travis's platoon or crew. i was happy to have charlie along, because he is a great icebreaker.

when we walked up to the station, charlie ran up to one of the guys (i will name him billy for privacy's sake) and i waited for the usual response: "oh wow! cute dog!"

nothing. except billy seemed annoyed and acted like charlie was in his way. i quickly called charlie over to me. billy didn't seem to be a dog person. (which is fine; i don't like most dogs either.)

travis talked to billy and another guy for what seemed like hours while i tried to keep charlie out of the way. the other guy really liked him and that made me feel less awkward. i finally asked billy, "do you have a dog?" he told me he didn't, that he wasn't really a dog person.

as we were getting ready to leave, the guys started teasing us about being newlyweds and all the "perks" that come along with that. dirty, dirty firemen. :) just as i was teasing them back, charlie, seeming to sense the sexual vibes of the conversation, approached billy, mounted his leg, and full throttle humped him.

i was thoroughly shocked that my sweet, innocent doodle could know how to do that. and then billy, probably to save face, had to ask,

"have you ever seen travis do that before?"

needless to say, i won't be taking charlie back to that fire station any time soon.

douglas clyde charles

in honor of father's day i would like to say a few things.

this is my dad: douglas clyde charles

and me, obviously. this was taken last saturday after we went mountain biking up millcreek canyon, had spoon me, and then curry in a hurry, in that order.

my dad is a really great person. everyone says that about their dads, usually, but really my dad is a great person. even if he weren't my father, i would still be his friend.

these are a few examples of my dad's character.

growing up, my dad worked hard. he worked at a job he hated, fidelity investments, for a long time. even with all the long hours, he still had time to play catch with us, cook dinner with my mom, come to all our sports and music events, and take us on trips. my dad is huge on working hard and playing hard, so we spent summers at my family's cabin in island park, where my dad dragged us out fly fishing and took us motorbiking. in the winters he planned huge snowmobiling trips. my parents didn't have much money, but the little they had was spent making memories with our family.

when i graduated from high school, i told everyone i was moving to the beach to become a bum. my dad would have none of that, and he straight up told me that if i didn't move out and go to college, he would kick me out. if i went to college, he would help me pay for it. the kicker was that i had to move out. none of this living at home going to school thing i wanted to do. that summer we fought every time we spoke and i thought he was pretty much the meanest man alive. looking back, i'm so glad he kicked me out of the nest, because i learned so much living on my own.

my dad met travis two years ago, when he was picking me up for a date. my dad was in the kitchen cooking and i thought, i'll leave these two alone for awhile and see how it goes. (my dad totally denies this story.) as i was leaving the room to "grab my purse" i heard my dad ask travis, "so. you want to be a fireman. isn't that really hard on your family life?" DAD! my dad really wasn't TEAMTRAVIS for a long time and it was because he wanted me to be sure about such a huge decision.

my dad adores my mom. i have this memory of a time we were on a motorbike ride with the family. we were riding alongside this field and suddenly my dad jumped off his bike, ran into the field, and picked a bunch of wildflowers. he ran over to my mom and handed them to her. he still flirts with her, teases her, takes her on exciting dates, and splurges for her birthdays and christmases, always surprising her. the only time i remember my dad getting really angry with my brother was when he made my mom cry. my brother got the belt that day and i vividly remember hearing the belt slap his bottom and then his screams.

my dad raised me to always try harder, always do your best, always plan something exciting to look forward to, don't worry about what other people think of you. he taught me to love good music and he's a pretty stellar dancer. he's thoughtful; he never talks about himself, but he'll listen to my silly stories. he's very generous with his time and money. the older i get the more we are friends and the more i realize i'm a lot like him. - not that i'm generous and awesome- he has flaws just like anyone else. but seriously, whenever i'm being ridiculously stubborn and sarcastic and travis calls me "doug" - it's the best feeling. i'm so thankful to have a father who takes care of our family and is a wonderful example of living life to the fullest.

happy father's day daddy! love you!

the sportsbra not hottie who helped me break my good streak

ok. i know i made that goal to think nice thoughts and say sweet things about others. well, this story will involve me breaking my goal. (didn't take long)

you know when you meet someone and you instantly feel mutual disdain? even when it's a stranger and you haven't even had words yet? something about the way the person carries herself/himself, or maybe their scent, or terrible provo poof? (you know, the rat's nest found living atop many provo girl's crown area? i really believe it's a living thing.) and not only are you bothered by the person, but you can tell they don't care for you either?

this happened to me about a month ago. it's always surprising to me when this happens, because there aren't many people who bother me right off the bat. there's this girl who started coming to kickboxing and weights classes i go to. there's a certain behavioral code in these classes for us regulars. everyone has a certain spot, everyone gives each other their space, etc. when a newbie comes along, we give her a few classes to figure out our system, and then carry on with the new addition. well this girl, she started coming and taking my spot. i have worked up to the spot in the front left and everyone knows this is my spot. so this girl comes along and starts trying to take my spot. i'm nice about it, just kind of quietly boxing her out and getting there early enough to get it before she does. but i feel this awful feeling coming from her and i'm shooting it back, like we want to box each other's stomachs or something.

i promise i'm not that violent of a person. usually.

at first i thought, maybe i'm just jealous because she is pretty thin and works out in just a sportsbra, something i have always wanted to be bold enough to do. (my stomach has never, is not, and probably will never be rock hard abs of steel.) but then after staring at her a lot, i realized that she doesn't have that rockin' of a bod and i'm not jealous. just really shallow, apparently.

so i tried to change my thoughts about her. i smiled at her every day, said hello. she didn't respond with anything more than a nod or acknowledgment. she even started moving to the other side of the room the minute i smiled at her. i tried to think good thoughts about her, but i started thinking about her more than just at the gym. like these annoyed thoughts would pop up anytime i thought about my workout or going the next day. as much as i tried, i still dreaded seeing her every day, and even started going to different classes to avoid her, because seeing her made me break my goal of being nice.

last friday, i got to the kick class a few minutes late. she was there. in my spot. so i took the spot next to her and took a deep breath. the minute she saw me, she stopped warming up, grabbed her jacket and keys, and walked out. walked out! this is not in my head!

i didn't see her at all this week. and i haven't thought any nice thoughts about her, in fact, i keep thinking "i won!" over and over.

i don't even know her name. i don't know anything about her. all i know is i don't like her and she doesn't like me. and i don't see that changing anytime soon. :)

everyday life, including neighbor dick and dirty dirk

thursday night. i just finished watching dirty dirk and co. defeat the heat with my dad. that is i watched it with my dad, not that my dad helped in the defeating. ahem.

i was lucky enough to see travis for a day this week. he'll be back next tuesday morning. ah, the things i could say sometimes about being a firefighter's wife... but i won't because it's just late and i'm just lonely. his job makes him so happy and there are many perks for me as well. i just can't think of any right now.

life has been pretty wild the past month. i overestimated my willpower and am doing summer semester. i thought i would give the trax business a break and do online school. so far it's not my favorite thing, but i'm trying to make the most of it. and the thousands of dollars i paid to participate in pretty much teaching myself the course material. i'm taking health psychology, psychology of love, (i know, right?) and, here's the kicker, infancy development. oh yeah, i'm learning all about pregnancy, infancy, and babies! i was signed up for adult development, but there wasn't enough enrollment (surprise) so i had to scramble at the last minute, and guess what class was the only one left? but really, it's fascinating and i'm learning so much. i have butt loads of respect for the female body and what it's capable of, but i don't necessarily want to utilize the lady bits right now.

what else? oh yeah the house being for sale. so there have been a few very interested people, but no offers yet. it keeps me on edge, because the house has to stay spotless all the time and i never know when the phone will ring and i'll have to grab charlie and vacate the premises so strangers can come over and touch my belongings. it's all very exciting though and i know it will be worth the stress.

so remember our grumpy neighbor, dick, (bah!) the racist? well, i have been trying to make friends, like always saying hi and asking him how he's doing, and i have made some progress, but the other day was serious friendship making. i had charlie outside and he was on his porch staring at us. i said good morning and he asked me what i had there. i took the initiative and dragged charlie across the street so he could pet him. we had a full on conversation and he ended up telling me all these personal things about his life. he also asked me about "the damn sign" in our yard and that he hoped we wouldn't be able to sell. thanks a bunch dick. :) feels good to have made a friend out of the old basty.

also. i have a new goal. when we were in junior high, my friend lilian and i made a pact that we wouldn't talk about people behind their backs and it made a huge difference in our happiness levels. so now that i have talked ish on neighbor dick, i will set this goal, no more gossip, negative thoughts, etc. about other people. i used to be a lot better at giving people the benefit of the doubt, so it's time for a change.

life really is great. when you stop complaining about never seeing your husband and how "rough" school is. enjoy some pictures of our getaway to island park last weekend and have a nice night.

we taught charlie to walk upright. like a human.

went four wheeling all day and enjoyed sunshine.