the time my nemisis became my friend

good news. remember the girl from the gym who i just couldn't stand? and how it bothered me so much that we had this mutual disdain? this morning at kickboxing we had a breakthrough.

so to backup a tidtch, i learned why i instantly couldn't stand her. in my psychology of love class, i learned that being in a heightened state of arousal can cause us to misinterpret our feelings. so for example, if you're standing on a very high bridge and it's swinging and dangerous, and a super mc-hottie comes to rescue you, you might mistakenly place your feelings of adrenaline and being swept off your feet onto the hot rescue man, instead of just realizing that you are freaking out from certain danger of the scary bridge. well apparently this can go both ways. like if you're at the gym in a state of arousal (from the cardio workout, you pervs, not because i'm aroused aroused) and there is a girl there who you are a little bothered by, because her abs are so incredibly nice that she really could wash her laundry on them, then that feeling of being bothered could be blown incredibly out of proportion, leading you to post shallow and rude things about her on your blog. or to have a feeling of dread the entire week before kickbox class.

no really, tons of people who are in accidents or disasters together end up together, in true love. it's true. it's science.

so, having this knowledge, i decided to try again. and today, when we were supposed to find a partner to "spar" with, i asked her to be my partner. and when she mentioned her husband, i asked her how long she has been married. which led us to a conversation about the adjustments of married life and then we were laughing and making jokes and pretty soon we were friends. and yeah, i'm still a little jealous of her rockin' bod and i'm pretty ashamed of myself for my previous post, but this right here, this is progress. you know, being the change and all that. plus i have a new friend. :)

and yeah, i am using psychology to justify all my faults. knowledge is power, yo.

some musings

the past few weeks i have felt overwhelmed, and not just with finals. (and out of the ten semesters so far i have done in college, this summer was by far the worst.) the past few weeks i have felt myself responding with sarcasm, cynicism, and disbelief to everything i come across.

my psychology textbooks are filled with the problems of the world- marriages that don't last, partners who cheat, parents who abuse their babies, poor black women who trade sex for food and end up with HIV, (i went on a random AIDS kick and read all kinds of the latest stats. fastest growing group of people who are infeccted: african american women.) i learn about how neurotic personalities lead to lonelier, shorter lives, and i am afraid that's going to be me. i worry about my eating habits. i worry about my younger brothers and if they're happy and becoming good men who treat women with respect.

i have been far too concerned with what other people think about me. does travis's family think i'm a good fit for him? does my dad approve of the person i have become? do those people on facebook who i don't ever see think i've let myself go since i got married? do the people i love know i care for them?

then there are the things i see all around me that bother me and make me feel helpless. like yesterday, in line at the sunflower market, the pictures on the magazines. a beautiful, busty, incredibly fit woman with the caption, "you can lose those jiggly legs in 3 weeks!" why should losing my jiggly legs be my first priority? don't i have enough to worry about?

or like on sunday, i was teaching our class about how to make homelife better. one section in the teacher's manual specifically instructed me to tell the boys in the class to learn how to take care of children and to be involved in childcare in their own homes someday. i told the boys this, and they said things like, "don't all girls want to do that baby stuff? shouldn't boys do the outside work and girls do the inside work?" even the girls in the class said they would rather do the "girl" jobs. and i feel so helpless to explain everything.

then i feel overwhelmed when even thinking about raising my own children. there are so many things in our culture that i disagree with. how do i raise a kid to know better when it's all around us.

last night when i was cruising around on the facebook, i stumbled on an event that just bothered me. it's a walk/run to support making utah "less uptight." reading the comments and all the hate for the lds church breaks my heart. it breaks my heart that some lds church members have that kind of hate for homosexuality.

basically, i want to change the world, but i feel completely helpless.

all i can do is change myself, like that famous gandhi quote: "be the change you want to see in the world." i don't have the power to change the minds of those who harbor hatred for something they barely understand. i don't have the power to control the media and what they publish. i can't control what other people think of me.

but i can learn and do everything in my power to understand people who are different from me, so they don't seem so alien. i can show compassion to every human being i meet. i have to stop caring about what other people think, because i'm the only person i have to impress.

"Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think." -Benjamin Disraeli
"Once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to." -Alan Keightley
also. i'm going to permanently delete my facebook. right now. :) much love to all of you. :)

condoms and gluesticks.

disclaimer: this post talks about condoms. if that makes you uncomfortable, just click the little red X at the top right. but, with that opening line, you're probably going to keep reading.

i'm taking accutane right now. it's my second go 'round and it's working great. maybe sometime i'll get brave and post my before and after pictures. some serious pimple-idge. anyway, if while you're taking accutane, you should happen to get knocked up, your baby will be born without ears. and some other sad birth defects. so while i'm taking accutane, travis and i have to use two forms of birth control. i chose the iud and condoms. (last time i took accutane was before we were married, so i got to claim abstinence as my birth control. how cool is that?)

well, buying condoms is always a pretty good time. first off, you get to stand in the awesome FAMILY PLANNING aisle, right next to the vagisil and monostat. and for some reason, it's always late at night, and the florescent glow adds some real romance to the occasion. last time we went condom buying, as we stood there, studying options (glow in the dark! warming and cooling! ribbed for her pleasure! - i'm sorry, but warming and cooling all up in my business just seems like a bad idea.) anyway, we're standing there staring, and this woman walks up and stands next to us. she looks pretty upset about something. then, she abruptly grabs a pregnancy test, mutters under her breath, and stomps off. we felt pretty bad for her, but appreciated the drama.

well last night was that blessed time again. luckily for us, school supplies were on sale so we picked up some glue sticks for 50 cents. after playing the game of "whose blood pressure is the lowest?" (it was mine, btw, but travis did beat me in lowest pulse. and i know that should be "lower" not "lowest" but "lowest" sounds more like an actual game name.)

oh ps, there are some condoms called "magnums" that are for the extra large and i feel really strange about that because of magnum guns. so if you're extra large, it's a gun... and that's pretty frightening and freaky to think about. geeze, what does that do for the self esteem of the guys not buying magnum? why does a man's self esteem need to be centered on size? why is extra manliness associated with guns and therefore, violence? oh and the packaging is pretty intimidating, too. (no pun intended...)



anyway, we picked out our non-magnum condoms and headed up to the front to checkout. i handed our cashier the booty and our good-find-gluesticks. when you buy condoms, the cashier always does this double take and then tries to act like he didn't just picture you... buying condoms. so our cashier, a young strapping lad, does the double take and i'm not going to let that go unnoticed. so i said, "should make a pretty good combination right?" he started stammering and laughing, saying, "um... i guess the glue would help against the pregnancy thing right? or something?"

thanks man, that's a new one.

travis and i walked out laughing, with him telling me that once again, i have gone too far.

(yesterday) happy brithday harry potter! oh and happy one year anniversary!

finding out that we were married on harry potter's birthday (thank you alyssa) only made me love our wedding day more.

so yesterday was the big one year mark for travis and me. and what a wild ride this year has been!


i have heard a lot of single people (and i used to say it, too) say that people rush into marriage. that people should get to know each other better and make sure they know what they're getting in to. well, a year into it, i can honestly say that i don't think a person will ever know exactly what they're getting in to. travis and i had known each other since we were 15 and dated on and off for two years before getting married. i thought we knew each other, but there are things about a person you just don't discover until you are sharing a home, paying bills, deciding who will do what chores and the cooking, and deciding when and if you want to start a family.

the first year of marriage? definitely hard for me. adjusting to living with only one roommate who is gone two to three days of the week was difficult. adjusting to living in a fixer upper construction zone of a house was not a good time. when you're dating and not paying a mortgage, going out on dates is a lot more fun. figuring out how to make ends meet when college tuition and buying a new roof both suck all the money out of the account was a little bit scary. turns out i have a huge fear of having a baby and when travis's side of the family harasses me about kids i get defensive. learning how to balance each other's families was one of the hardest things about the past year for me.

the good news? we did it. we adjusted to living with each other's various habits. we remodeled our house into a place that feels really nice. we learned how to budget and save and cook instead of going out to cafe rio for lunch. we have started figuring out how to balance our extended families while enjoying our own little family. i mean seriously, we had 10 DAMN DOGS living, pooping, and crying in our basement all winter! none of this year was easy! (i told travis i may never forgive him for making me birth his dog roxy all night while he was at the fire department.)

but here we are, still married and loving each other so much more than a year ago when all this started. honestly, it makes me a little worried for what next year may bring, but i kind of think it will only get easier from here. the cliche is that nothing worth having is easy. this hasn't been easy in any way and i'm so happy to have the first year over with.


so what have i learned this year about us? i learned that it's hard to pick a fight with travis because he just laughs the angrier i get. (which in turn, makes me angrier...lol) i learned that we make a really good team when we're doing projects around the house and yard. we're really good at teaching our sunday school class and we are both really good with adolescent punks. :) we're good at training our dog, charlie and when we sit down and create a budget, we stick to it. we're good at taking care of each other when we're sick. travis always knows how to make me feel better about myself. i think i help travis have more confidence in himself, like, he has dance moves none of you would dream he could do! i really have learned that commitment isn't just a word, it's keeping a sarcastic comment to yourself, laughing when you want to yell, supporting his dreams even though it means you have to sleep alone 1/3 of the time, appreciating everything he does for you, and yes, birthing a huge, angry, scary white lab for him. and, it's 100% worth it.


so yes, in our culture, 50% of marriages fail, most of them within the first three years. marriage is a huge change and adjustment that isn't easy, but completely worth it. travis is my best friend, my lover, my partner in crime, and my eternal companion. i'm so thankful for him and for everything he does for me. as it said in his card yesterday, "one year down, 77 more to go!" (our goal is to live to be 100.) oh and i should probably share something else about his card. he made it himself. on the front, he cut out an enormous, ripped, shredded black man's body and glued in on. then inside the card, it says, "maybe if i looked like this without my shirt, our first year would have gone a little more smoothly." ha! love that man. :)

happy one year babe!

dear marriage,

you have been very enlightening this past 11 1/2 months. i've enjoyed much of you and i've adjusted to much of you. but really, it would be lovely if you would allow me to see my husband a bit more. i know, i know, it's not really your fault... but then, it seems we saw each other a whole lot more when we were just dating. and i know, we weren't paying for anything really and now we have a whole host of grown up bills, but i really miss this man i call my "life partner."

you see, travis is working 97 hours this week and this isn't the first time. turns out growing up is a little lonely sometimes.

the other day, a song came on the radio and it was a song i first heard in hawaii. i thought wistfully of days being crammed in the evans' bimmer, smashed next to people i loved, not a care in the world except hoping the weather would be sunny that day. but that's not true, because i had stresses and worries then, just different ones. seems like before i got married i worried a lot about boys- who liked me, who would ask me out, who i was going to end up with. i worried about my looks, my weight, my skin, roommates, etc. i'm sure in a few years i'll look back at myself in this stage of life and think my worries were trivial.

i remember before i was married or thinking about marriage, i felt like it was so far away. it was something "those" people did and "they" were a different sort of people than me. i felt like they didn't need my friendship anymore and that they were just living happily ever after. turns out people still need support after they are married. marriage isn't a cure-all.

sometimes i wish i could line up all the "me's" from different stages in my life and let them have a pow wow. the little kid me would probably tell the now me to calm down and make more time for reading good books. i would tell the 15 year old me to hang in there, that people get nicer later in life. i doubt that the now me would listen to the sage and wise 50 year old me saying, "don't worry so much about keeping your house clean or your face made up. just enjoy the fact that you have so much energy."

this thing we go through, this life thing, it's not always roses and daisies. sometimes when i read, or rather, stalk, other blogs, it sounds like everyone else's life and marriage are so perfect. oh so no one else has petty fights with their husbands about household chores? no one else ever thinks rude thoughts about their spouse? apparently i'm the only one who ever hurts her husband's feelings? i'm not buying that. maybe we should all sit down together and be honest about the things that make us angry, blue, or lonely, instead of reading each other's blogs about how wonderful life is.

and there's the part of my brain telling me to stop being so ungrateful. because there really are wonderful things in my life. i have a loving family, supportive friends, the opportunity to get my education, a freaking goldendoodle! not to mention the most amazing part of my life- travis randy bodtcher. :) after working 15 hours yesterday and all day today, when i visited him at the station he rubbed my back. (don't worry; i rubbed his too. i'm a pretty decent wife like that.) i'm stressed out about money and he's like, don't worry, i'll take care of it.

i guess i just want anyone who reads this blog to know that adjusting to marriage is pretty hard. but when it's good, it's good. and us married people, we're a lot like single people- we just have more sex. (no really, the numbers don't lie; i learned that in my psychology of love class.)

basically, i love my husband, new phases of life take adjustment, we always want what we used to have, and i'm thankful to have this life to figure it all out.

redheads and RIP

there is a certain code between neighbors. you're polite, you compliment their flower garden, you wave hello when they drive by on their way to work. if you get really friendly with them, you might teach their children piano lessons or invite them to join your weekly book clubs. it's all well and good to be friends with your neighbors, but the problem with neighbors is that when things don't go so smooth, they're still your neighbors. if you have a breakup with a friend, chances are you don't see that friend anymore. but ah, the neighbors, they will still be across the street, taking their dog for a walk in front of your house, and possibly sitting in the pew across from you in church services.

you might recall that for mother's day, travis gave me two little kittens. they were adorable and sweet and it was very thoughtful of him.

but what does this have to do with the code of ethics between neighbors?

let's do a little math equation:

sweet neighbor cat gives birth + neighbors give you two cute little kittens + the kittens disappear after two months

= their adorable four redheaded children asking me "how are the kittens doing?" with their giant blue eyes staring up at me. and me answering, "um. well. the kittens, they disappeared."

gasps.

me adding: "we're really really sad about it! we looked everywhere but they are gone. we hope someone nice just took them in."

those beautiful blue orbs still staring as their expressions
turn to disgust at the cat killer before them.

then i run into their father a few days later. he is a very serious and solemn man. he asks me the dreaded question and i get the same kind of reaction. lying did cross my mind, until i thought about the kids asking me to see pictures and me having to print pictures of cats i find online and carry them around with me when i'm near their house. and that was just too messy.

the truth shall not set me free.
for i am a cat killer.

the moral of the story is: don't take free things from the neighbors. don't accept favors or darling little kittens, especially if there are four little kids who adore said kittens and are devastated to see them go. and then to hear that they have disappeared.

also, between this and the whole me wanting to kill roxy thing, please don't show my blog to peta. thanks :)

also, as humorous as i try to make this post sound
i really was upset about the cats disappearing

hope you're in a better place kittehs.

doodle humps

real quick.

i have to go take a test, but i needed a break from studying.

a couple days ago, travis and i were running errands. we decided to take charlie along, since we try to take him along everywhere we go. after hitting the bank, we had to go to one of the fire stations to sell a guy our leftover roofing supplies. the guys working aren't guys i know very well, since they aren't on travis's platoon or crew. i was happy to have charlie along, because he is a great icebreaker.

when we walked up to the station, charlie ran up to one of the guys (i will name him billy for privacy's sake) and i waited for the usual response: "oh wow! cute dog!"

nothing. except billy seemed annoyed and acted like charlie was in his way. i quickly called charlie over to me. billy didn't seem to be a dog person. (which is fine; i don't like most dogs either.)

travis talked to billy and another guy for what seemed like hours while i tried to keep charlie out of the way. the other guy really liked him and that made me feel less awkward. i finally asked billy, "do you have a dog?" he told me he didn't, that he wasn't really a dog person.

as we were getting ready to leave, the guys started teasing us about being newlyweds and all the "perks" that come along with that. dirty, dirty firemen. :) just as i was teasing them back, charlie, seeming to sense the sexual vibes of the conversation, approached billy, mounted his leg, and full throttle humped him.

i was thoroughly shocked that my sweet, innocent doodle could know how to do that. and then billy, probably to save face, had to ask,

"have you ever seen travis do that before?"

needless to say, i won't be taking charlie back to that fire station any time soon.

douglas clyde charles

in honor of father's day i would like to say a few things.

this is my dad: douglas clyde charles

and me, obviously. this was taken last saturday after we went mountain biking up millcreek canyon, had spoon me, and then curry in a hurry, in that order.

my dad is a really great person. everyone says that about their dads, usually, but really my dad is a great person. even if he weren't my father, i would still be his friend.

these are a few examples of my dad's character.

growing up, my dad worked hard. he worked at a job he hated, fidelity investments, for a long time. even with all the long hours, he still had time to play catch with us, cook dinner with my mom, come to all our sports and music events, and take us on trips. my dad is huge on working hard and playing hard, so we spent summers at my family's cabin in island park, where my dad dragged us out fly fishing and took us motorbiking. in the winters he planned huge snowmobiling trips. my parents didn't have much money, but the little they had was spent making memories with our family.

when i graduated from high school, i told everyone i was moving to the beach to become a bum. my dad would have none of that, and he straight up told me that if i didn't move out and go to college, he would kick me out. if i went to college, he would help me pay for it. the kicker was that i had to move out. none of this living at home going to school thing i wanted to do. that summer we fought every time we spoke and i thought he was pretty much the meanest man alive. looking back, i'm so glad he kicked me out of the nest, because i learned so much living on my own.

my dad met travis two years ago, when he was picking me up for a date. my dad was in the kitchen cooking and i thought, i'll leave these two alone for awhile and see how it goes. (my dad totally denies this story.) as i was leaving the room to "grab my purse" i heard my dad ask travis, "so. you want to be a fireman. isn't that really hard on your family life?" DAD! my dad really wasn't TEAMTRAVIS for a long time and it was because he wanted me to be sure about such a huge decision.

my dad adores my mom. i have this memory of a time we were on a motorbike ride with the family. we were riding alongside this field and suddenly my dad jumped off his bike, ran into the field, and picked a bunch of wildflowers. he ran over to my mom and handed them to her. he still flirts with her, teases her, takes her on exciting dates, and splurges for her birthdays and christmases, always surprising her. the only time i remember my dad getting really angry with my brother was when he made my mom cry. my brother got the belt that day and i vividly remember hearing the belt slap his bottom and then his screams.

my dad raised me to always try harder, always do your best, always plan something exciting to look forward to, don't worry about what other people think of you. he taught me to love good music and he's a pretty stellar dancer. he's thoughtful; he never talks about himself, but he'll listen to my silly stories. he's very generous with his time and money. the older i get the more we are friends and the more i realize i'm a lot like him. - not that i'm generous and awesome- he has flaws just like anyone else. but seriously, whenever i'm being ridiculously stubborn and sarcastic and travis calls me "doug" - it's the best feeling. i'm so thankful to have a father who takes care of our family and is a wonderful example of living life to the fullest.

happy father's day daddy! love you!

the sportsbra not hottie who helped me break my good streak

ok. i know i made that goal to think nice thoughts and say sweet things about others. well, this story will involve me breaking my goal. (didn't take long)

you know when you meet someone and you instantly feel mutual disdain? even when it's a stranger and you haven't even had words yet? something about the way the person carries herself/himself, or maybe their scent, or terrible provo poof? (you know, the rat's nest found living atop many provo girl's crown area? i really believe it's a living thing.) and not only are you bothered by the person, but you can tell they don't care for you either?

this happened to me about a month ago. it's always surprising to me when this happens, because there aren't many people who bother me right off the bat. there's this girl who started coming to kickboxing and weights classes i go to. there's a certain behavioral code in these classes for us regulars. everyone has a certain spot, everyone gives each other their space, etc. when a newbie comes along, we give her a few classes to figure out our system, and then carry on with the new addition. well this girl, she started coming and taking my spot. i have worked up to the spot in the front left and everyone knows this is my spot. so this girl comes along and starts trying to take my spot. i'm nice about it, just kind of quietly boxing her out and getting there early enough to get it before she does. but i feel this awful feeling coming from her and i'm shooting it back, like we want to box each other's stomachs or something.

i promise i'm not that violent of a person. usually.

at first i thought, maybe i'm just jealous because she is pretty thin and works out in just a sportsbra, something i have always wanted to be bold enough to do. (my stomach has never, is not, and probably will never be rock hard abs of steel.) but then after staring at her a lot, i realized that she doesn't have that rockin' of a bod and i'm not jealous. just really shallow, apparently.

so i tried to change my thoughts about her. i smiled at her every day, said hello. she didn't respond with anything more than a nod or acknowledgment. she even started moving to the other side of the room the minute i smiled at her. i tried to think good thoughts about her, but i started thinking about her more than just at the gym. like these annoyed thoughts would pop up anytime i thought about my workout or going the next day. as much as i tried, i still dreaded seeing her every day, and even started going to different classes to avoid her, because seeing her made me break my goal of being nice.

last friday, i got to the kick class a few minutes late. she was there. in my spot. so i took the spot next to her and took a deep breath. the minute she saw me, she stopped warming up, grabbed her jacket and keys, and walked out. walked out! this is not in my head!

i didn't see her at all this week. and i haven't thought any nice thoughts about her, in fact, i keep thinking "i won!" over and over.

i don't even know her name. i don't know anything about her. all i know is i don't like her and she doesn't like me. and i don't see that changing anytime soon. :)

everyday life, including neighbor dick and dirty dirk

thursday night. i just finished watching dirty dirk and co. defeat the heat with my dad. that is i watched it with my dad, not that my dad helped in the defeating. ahem.

i was lucky enough to see travis for a day this week. he'll be back next tuesday morning. ah, the things i could say sometimes about being a firefighter's wife... but i won't because it's just late and i'm just lonely. his job makes him so happy and there are many perks for me as well. i just can't think of any right now.

life has been pretty wild the past month. i overestimated my willpower and am doing summer semester. i thought i would give the trax business a break and do online school. so far it's not my favorite thing, but i'm trying to make the most of it. and the thousands of dollars i paid to participate in pretty much teaching myself the course material. i'm taking health psychology, psychology of love, (i know, right?) and, here's the kicker, infancy development. oh yeah, i'm learning all about pregnancy, infancy, and babies! i was signed up for adult development, but there wasn't enough enrollment (surprise) so i had to scramble at the last minute, and guess what class was the only one left? but really, it's fascinating and i'm learning so much. i have butt loads of respect for the female body and what it's capable of, but i don't necessarily want to utilize the lady bits right now.

what else? oh yeah the house being for sale. so there have been a few very interested people, but no offers yet. it keeps me on edge, because the house has to stay spotless all the time and i never know when the phone will ring and i'll have to grab charlie and vacate the premises so strangers can come over and touch my belongings. it's all very exciting though and i know it will be worth the stress.

so remember our grumpy neighbor, dick, (bah!) the racist? well, i have been trying to make friends, like always saying hi and asking him how he's doing, and i have made some progress, but the other day was serious friendship making. i had charlie outside and he was on his porch staring at us. i said good morning and he asked me what i had there. i took the initiative and dragged charlie across the street so he could pet him. we had a full on conversation and he ended up telling me all these personal things about his life. he also asked me about "the damn sign" in our yard and that he hoped we wouldn't be able to sell. thanks a bunch dick. :) feels good to have made a friend out of the old basty.

also. i have a new goal. when we were in junior high, my friend lilian and i made a pact that we wouldn't talk about people behind their backs and it made a huge difference in our happiness levels. so now that i have talked ish on neighbor dick, i will set this goal, no more gossip, negative thoughts, etc. about other people. i used to be a lot better at giving people the benefit of the doubt, so it's time for a change.

life really is great. when you stop complaining about never seeing your husband and how "rough" school is. enjoy some pictures of our getaway to island park last weekend and have a nice night.

we taught charlie to walk upright. like a human.

went four wheeling all day and enjoyed sunshine.

for sale, doodles, and loving the one you're with

last friday night neither of us felt like cooking, so we headed out to the pie to ingest a month's worth of carbs and fat. mmmmm.

side note: the first day i start my period, i am allowed to eat whatever i please, guilt free. a few days ago when i was eating a kit kat at my parents' house, my mom looked at me, surprised, because i don't usually eat that kind of junk at night, and travis, without looking up from his game of angry birds, said to her, "it's period day. she can eat whatever she wants." seriously, the man is a dream.

anyway, the period was still giving me an excuse to eat anything, so travis and i ordered a cheesy, meat loaded pizza. as we were sitting there, wolfing down goodness, we said:

c: this is taking years off of my life!
t: laughs, i know right!
c: so we have to eat the same amount of slices then!
t: wait! what slice are you on? stop!
c: you're on 4 and i'm on 2! you stop!
t: well i want to die first anyway.

like ten minutes later:

t: wait! how many have you had! stop!

and i really hoped someone at another table heard him and thought he was an overbearing, abusive husband fueling my eating disorder.

we just have a really good time all the time.

in other news, our house is officially on the market! (second one down) yesterday my uncle, our realtor, called me with news that three people had inquired about our house yesterday morning. oh and they wanted to come over in 2 hours! i ran around cleaning showers and hiding laundry piles. they were early, naturally, so i watched this cute little family with three kids walking though our home. it was a little strange, seeing this family walking through our house and thinking they could live here instead of us. i'm never very good at settling down anywhere. i always have this itch to be going somewhere else, learning something else, etc. so i'm very excited for our new adventure to get going.

i saved the best for last. obviously if you're my facebook friend, you know we bought a goldendoodle last week. travis had been looking at them online for months and there was a litter in sandy, so we went to look, just for fun. turned out travis fell in love with the breed and i fell in love with one of the puppies. they were extremely cheap and we talked them down even cheaper, so we decided to buy one! we named him charlie, (thank you brittany bezzant, hollar!) and he is great. :)

more from the redbrick house

we have decided to sell our house and move to daybreak,
so we've been working hard to finish everything.
and i found a rug for the front room :)

remember all the time i spent in the yard planting?
everything is starting to bloom!

no more giant, prickly bushes! no more random flower beds! (covered them in sod)

new windows and finished molding.

i bought frames from the DI for cheap and then used pictures
from my textbooks, magazines, paintings, and photos of our family to fill them.
cheapest craft ever.

another shot of the new windows. and some excellent fake flowers.

bah! i love this door so much!

i have had so much fun decorating this house,
but i never ever want to live in a fixer upper again.
there's always a mess to clean.
that being said, i really appreciate all the family
who spent hours helping us refinish floors, hang doors,
put up crown molding and base, paint, sheetrock,
tile, re-roof, and everything else.

if you know of someone who wants to
live in murray in a beautifully updated home,
please let me know. :)

sphincter upset

i want to start this off by saying something truly personal.

i have always been blessed with regularity, the kind that you flush. i'll just come out and say it: i am lucky enough to poop several times a day, never have constipation or intestinal cramping. i rarely get sick, and probably only suffer from diarrhea twice a year. that being said, yesterday as i stood in my kitchen, gulping down 8 ounces of miralax, because i hadn't had a bowel movement in three and a half days, i stood back and thought, "when did this become my life?"

let me back up a few days.

last friday, i was lucky enough to go to the women part's doctor (as it's named in my phone) to have an IUD put in. or rather, shoved in. as aforementioned, i had a pretty bad experience my first time to the gynecologist when i passed out and fell off of the exam table. so, needless to say, i was entirely freaked out. my dear mom took me, because travis was working, and she did her best to keep me calm, but really, nothing can soothe a girl whose legs are in the stirrups and a strange (but extremely handsome, but then i love prematurely grey hair) older man staring at her hoo-ha.

when i'm nervous, i talk a lot and it's not always appropriate. so about the time dr. barton began to "feel me up" i had to ask, "how's my vagina?" dr. barton glanced up and replied, "oh, it looks very good, very healthy." my reply. "oh good, that's what every girl loves to hear!"

and so it began.

for those of you who haven't experienced an IUD, let me just say that it hurt. worse than anything else has ever hurt in my life. stabbing pain of my uterus being literally ripped. and there was blood and the doctor didn't want to go through with it because of how loud i was yelling. but there was no way i wasn't finishing after feeling all that pain, so he quickly shoved the thing up there, through my cervix and into my little, unstretched by pregnancy uterus. afterwards, i got sick, puked a ton, almost passed out a few times, and then had some very intense cramping. my sweet mom ran to the pharmacy to get me lortab, and that helped a lot.

the doctor had gotten to know me pretty well by then and said the best thing to comfort me. he came in to check on me after, and said, "it could be worse. at least you're not pregnant." i wanted to kiss him!

so apparently, my body really loves lortab. i had never had any drugs like that before, but once it kicked in, i was feeling gooooood. we went wedding dress shopping with my aunt and cousins and i was a little more inappropriate than usual, at one point yelling, "that dress really makes your boobs look so perky and luscious!" the woman working at the shop didn't really know how to handle it. my cousin also had strep throat, and they were trying to keep it on the DL, but i loudly asked her how she was feeling and mentioned that she had strep at least 4 times.

anyway, back to the miralax. so after all the trauma and pain, and then the intense cramping that followed me home, i was reluctant to, shall we say, push in any way down there. so i didn't poop for a day. then two. then by day three, i was freaking out. hence the miralax.

plus i got a terrible cold. pretty much my body is railing against me for the foreign device now living inside my (according to the doctor) textbook uterus. but i am proud to announce that an hour ago, i had a bowel movement, did the deed, dropped the duce, or travis's personal favorite, "took the cosbys to the pool."

anyway, the pain is a lot better and travis has taken excellent care of me. plus he gave me a cat for mother's day and decided he wanted one of his own, too. oh and, one last thing. the doctor told me i had the strongest pelvic floor muscles he had ever seen. i've been bursting with pride that the pilates and yoga have actually worked. :)

hope your sphincters and rectums are all in good health!

the dog un-whisperer

i'm supposed to be doing research for my last final due this thursday. instead i'm doing this, guiltily, so i'll try to keep it short.

basically this afternoon i felt like getting outside and doing some yard work. the rosebushes in the back had grown like 8 feet tall so i took the clippers to them. an hour later i had blood dripping down my legs and had killed 2 spiders, but the bushes are considerably smaller. i was looking around admiring my mad gardening skills, when i noticed travis's dog, roxy, looking forlornly at me from her pen in the back. please let me out she seemed to beg.

in case you don't know, roxy and i have a terrible relationship. i have cursed, hit, abused and hated on her just as much as she has been a huge sock eating, puking, pooping, babypuppy abusing shit to me. but because she is travis's dog, i have tried my best to make friends. and she looked so sad sitting there and the weather is so nice out, i thought, i'll put her on her leash and let her out for a bit.

something else you should know about roxy. when travis is around, she's an angel. when travis is gone, she runs away and i have to chase her. in the past, this has allowed the neighbors to see me at my finest, classiest moments, like when i run down the street in my sweats and scream curse words and also for my bishop to witness me choking her and beating her while yelling at him, "i hope this dog gets hit by a car!" and if you're thinking, oh sad, collette beats animals and is pretty much the cruelest person ever, let me just say that i love animals, but roxy, she is not of this earth.

so today, i had somehow forgotten all roxy put me through last winter and though i'd let her out. i prepared her leash and tied it to the tree in advance, i had figured out her chain collar, now all i had to do was get it around her neck before she ran away from me. it started well; i got the chain on her and was trying to tie her up, when she started jumping and the chain was slipping off her neck. i was sitting on her and she started panicking, probably thinking i was trying to hurt her, and she got really aggressive with me, i freaked out and she slipped out of her chain and was gone.

oh great.

so i started chasing her down the street, where she was running circles around an ancient man doing yardwork. she stopped to take a HUGE green dump in the neighbor's yard, but was off again. i'm not as fast as she is, so i was hoping to corner her somewhere. instead, she veered right into another neighbor's, (and conveniently enough, ex boyfriend of mine) driveway. i heard the sounds of dogs fighting and then a woman screaming. i upped my pace to a sprint and found that roxy had run straight into their kitchen. (apparently their front door was open.) roxy was fighting/playing with their dog and the screams were coming from the pregnant wife, and who could blame her. roxy saw me coming and tried to escape capture by running for the stairs. at this point, i was done playing games. i took a running start, and then a magnificent leap through the air, landing right on top of her back and straddling her.

this was the tackle of all tackles. if i were a pro linebacker, this would have been replayed on espn repeatedly. i would have won an award. you get the idea.

i turn around to see my old flame and his pregnant wife staring at me and was brought back to the embarrassment of reality. roxy and i did the walk of shame home while i considered turning her into this.

the worst part of the whole thing: i almost didn't go after roxy and really considered telling travis she was abducted, while hoping she would get hit by a car. does rat poison work on dogs too? ...


go ahead, call peta on me.

horn tooting

ok so i submitted a piece to a feminist blog a few weeks ago, not really thinking it would ever run, but they posted it! on the front page! :) i'm probably more excited than i need to be, but i really hope this explains a little more of what feminism is and why it's so important. it's very personal and i hope it doesn't offend any of you. i meant it to be helpful to anyone who is struggling with these kinds of problems.

this is the link: http://thefbomb.org/2011/04/dear-feminism/

check out the rest of the site; it's really great! :)

my obsession with the doodle

i can't stop googling pictures of these:

GOLDEN DOODLES!

basketful of doodles!

oh noes! doodle mated with a snuffleupagus !

seriously? have you ever seen such hilarious/adorable animals?


this is where they come from ^


they are allergy friendly, light to non shedding, smart, pleasers, and


extremely expensive. :(

(like everything else i like.
seriously take me to the D.I. and i will accidentally
find the most expensive thing in there
and it will be the thing i want.)

but i am scheming ways to afford one.

this will come to pass. :)

the late night ramblings

disclaimer: this post is way too long and way too ridiculous. don't feel pressured to read.


Nostalgia is a seductive liar. ~George Wildman Ball
Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days. ~Doug Larson
Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect!
~Owens Lee Pomeroy
Everything can be killed except nostalgia for the kingdom, we carry it in the color of our eyes, in every love affair, in everything that deeply torments and unties and tricks.
-julio cortazar

I don't think nostalgia has to be negative.
-van morrison

I know what it's like to be in one place and dream of another. I also know what it's like to feel that nostalgia is a fairly useless thing because it is stasis.
-mira nair

in case it's unclear how i feel tonight, i feel homesick and nostalgic. it all started with my mumford and sons pandora station. you know how sometimes pandora or shuffle on the ipod seems to read your mood and keep playing those songs you love most? tonight as i was washing my face, pandora kept spitting out music i fell in love with when i lived in hawaii. band of horses, coldplay, and glen hansard.

when i lived there, it was like my all emotions were heightened. as i have mentioned before, that island helped me heal from many things that i struggled with. that music played an enormous role in the healing. sometimes i wish i could write those artists and thank them for writing the words i so needed to hear, but i'm sure they receive letters like that on a daily basis.

ever since i was a little girl, i have wanted to go back to "the before." the summer of 5th grade was especially great, and after it ended, i would daydream about those great days. i used to commit certain moments to memory and then go through all the moments over and over, so afraid i would forget the happiness. i guess i really struggle with letting go of good things.

so tonight i have been thinking about all the wonderful events in my life. i remember my first year of college, moving into an apartment filled with half naked gymnasts and football players, playing poker and dani california blasting from their stereo. those muscly girls hauled all my boxes of pots, pans, bedding, and even furniture up three flights of stairs and were welcoming, coarse language and all.

the first meal i cooked after moving out was spaghetti and meatballs, those terrible costco meatballs that you can literally warm up in the microwave. my roomates were impressed. and then i drove home that weekend, a mere four days later. i was speeding and got pulled over. totally pulled the "it's my first time away from home officer; i just miss my parents so much." line and didn't get a ticket. i was going at least 95.

i remember my first love leaving on an LDS mission, and just knowing i couldn't live without him. i saved his all voicemails on my phone, and late at night when sleep wouldn't come, i would listen to them over and over, sobbing. that first love was so sweet, such teenage puppy love, staying out till 4 every morning to go train watching, talking about nothing, and listening to brand new or bayside's acoustic cd. after he left, i couldn't listen to music for a long time.

i remember every time i would come home for a weekend, my three brothers running to the door to hug me. they seemed to grow so much those three years i was gone. it meant the world to me, their excitement. thinking about it now makes me cry. i love those boys so much.

then of course there was the year i spent living in hawaii. that first house, three miles from school, and that purple beach cruiser i borrowed from the tongans sharing our duplex. the first time i met erika dick, i knew we would be friends. she talked a hundred miles an hour while she hung up her colorful clothes in the closet we shared. our toenails were painted the same orange and we laughed about that. she had tegan and sara playing in the background on her laptop.

i remember riding my beach cruiser to the grocery store, tamuras, and smelling fish and mildew. the big brown woman who taught me about pineapples as i was picking one. i remember hitchhiking for the first time, asking the man if he planned on raping me before i would get in his car. we always took our books to the beach and pretended to study. i still have scars on my knees from the mosquito bites i got while talking to travis on the phone outside. we didn't get phone service in the house. he used to stay up late and talk to me, while i paced the beach park across the street from the house. it was usually raining.

obviously i am homesick. it's late and the iron and wine isn't helping at all. i guess the point of all this rambling, is that sometimes i feel like i'm bursting with all these memories that make me who i am. and i look at travis and wonder if he ever feels that way and if i could ever know all the memories that make him, him. and if it even matters. but it seems like it does. do you know what i'm trying to say here? do you ever feel so full of memories and so homesick for those times that you can't stand it almost? not in a sad feeling way exactly, but a filled kind of way?

there's an ingrid michaelson song that goes,

they say that home is where the heart is

i guess i haven't found my home
and we keep driving round in circles
afraid to call this place our own.
and are we there yet?

i really like the way maya angelou put it and i will leave this ridiculous post at this:

You can never go home again, but the truth is you can never leave home, so it's all right.

all the gross things you never needed to know

so lately i haven't been the best blogger evar. school has been sucking all motivation from my soul. oh but i love it so much! if i could just go to school for the rest of my life and not have to pay for it...

anyhow.

this is a small recap of life the past couple months.

• random jaw popping pain.

ok so when i started dieting, of course i had to have a replacement for my addiction to sweet food. i started chewing gum. like, a pack of gum in thirty minutes. in the back of my head it was like, "ok this is too good to be true... it's like candy without the calories! this will catch up to you." about a month ago, i woke up with this terrible pain in my ear. positive i had an ear infection, we went to the doctor that very same day. turns out, we paid instacare 40 bucks for the young, fiercely cocky doctor to tell me to stop chewing gum. apparently i have given myself arthritis and gotten my jaws all out of whack. somehow that hurts my ear. well i stopped chewing gum, but started chewing licorice and salt water taffy. so now, i have this terrible, jaw bone grinding, pop! anytime i swallow. this will not end well... ha!

maybe it's like this for you, but i swear i always have the most random sicknesses/physical problems! there was the terrible case of hives i had senior year, covering my entire body and face and head and they were literally the size of dinner plates. lasted one day.

then there was the time in my first year of college, we went hot tubbing. a few days later, i developed BOILS all over my body - boils filled with PUS and that took three months to go away. my roommates probably thought i had an std. some crazy bacteria. did anyone else who went hot tubbing that night get them? no way hosea.

then there's always the story about my first trip to the gyno. not sure it's really internet appropriate, but it involved the creepy old man, the scared 17 year old (me, lol this isn't that weird, you perv!) passing out and falling off the table, bumping my head. the doctor told me to stay put while he got some juice but i threw my pants back on and peaced out of there.

good grief i didn't mean for this post to turn into all the grossest things ever. back to the bullets?

• gardening!

we went flower shopping (!) and now have the most beautiful yard ever. if you remember our racist neighbor and his snarkish comments about our yard, you'll understand why i have to beat his yard this year. his grass really is extremely green though.

• new windows and the new front door. pictures soon to come.

• i'm all set up to graduate next spring. now i am trying to decide what master's program is the best fit. and next fall i get to start volunteering at the rape recovery center. there is a light at the end of the academiatunnel.

• travis's new name for himself: housewife bodtcher. he also has a theme song which i will try to catch on tape for you. but i don't know how i would do it without him. he does so much around the house and takes such great care of me. i try not to write about how great he is every post, but being married and in school has been the easiest semester ever.

basically life around here is the same as always. constantly laughing and running around in socks seeing who can slide the furthest down the hardwood floored hallway.

travis weighs more and that is the ONLY reason he always wins.

good night!

spring break in st. george

for spring break, travis and i drove to st george
to stay with my grandparents.

it was a much needed vacation.

we hiked snow canyon.

yes. it was necessary for him to even take video of this beaut.

-we spent time with my family, played hand and foot with the senior citizens from my grandparents retirement community, went to the st. george temple, and ate so much food! we went to an art exhibit, had a romantic bike ride at sunset, and went house hunting for travis's dad.

-we also learned that the extremely thin walls at my grandparents' weren't a newlywed's best pal.

-we laughed nonstop for the whole week. if there is something travis and i have going for us, it's our ability to be silly with each other, tease each other, and find humor in everything. driving down, i saw this huge, black, flapping shape on the side of the freeway. i thought it was an enormous bird, and pointed, saying, "WOW!" really loud. then i looked at travis to see what he thought about it, and he had this look on his face, like i was crazy. turns out the dark shape was a garbage bag. travis looks over to see his wife freaking out over a trash bag on the side of the road.

the rest of the trip he would periodically screech, "ka kaw ka kaw!" (bird sounds.)

marriage = hilarious.

garden wombs

it's march. which means...

my garden is blooming!

i have been having dreams all winter that the flowers bloom and are as big as my head and a little alice in wonderland-esque. they aren't quite that big yet, but travis and i peek outside several times a day, checking to see what else has popped up.

also, yesterday i was getting dressed, put on a shirt i hadn't worn in a while, and it seemed a bit tight around the midsection. the scale says i'm not gaining weight, but the shirt disagrees. so of course i freaked out, thinking i had to be pregnant. i took a pregnancy test that is supposed to take three minutes to decide, and it declared my womb empty after about 2 seconds. poof! red minus sign before the pee even had a chance to cool. ...(sorry...)

so basically the garden outside is blooming while the garden in my uterus is pretty boring. :)

ehem.

blooming in the womb- alan schwartz

sunshine, winning, and fat wieners

so i had a good moment on sunday, involving sunshine, winning, and fat wieners.

ok, before you click the red X at the top right, let me explain. i bet you will laugh at least a little.

after church on sunday, travis and i decided we needed to go outside and play. we had a new game, some kind of horseshoes thing, that needed breaking in, plus it was a gorgeous sunny day. we picked up travis's family on the way and headed to the park a few blocks from our house. we got to the park and set up the game and tossed the football around for a bit, just enjoying the day and the playful banter from the family.

well this guy is out walking his dogs, right, these two dachshunds who look a lot like this:

just the average looking, healthy dachshund, yes?

well as they walk by and are clear across the park at the other end, i tell my brother in law, kellen, "you have to see these fat dachshunds who live in our neighborhood!" and i start telling him all about how their bellies hang to the ground and when travis and i drive by, we drive by 3 or 4 times just to keep looking and travis finally has to drag me away because the owner has waved 3 times now and is looking suspicious.

the fat ones look like this, i promise

so anyway, i am telling kellen all about the dogs and how unbelievably fat they are, when the guy walking his thin dogs clear across the park turns around and yells at me, "are you talking about my wieners?!"

how in the great hell did he hear me from all the way across the park??

i yell back, "no, no sir your wieners look fantastic! i was not talking about your wieners at all because they look fit and nice!"

and then i realize that travis's family and the entire park has just heard me yell at a complete stranger how great his wieners are.

the intense and sappy love post

no matter how many times it happens, i am still amazed at how with the right attitude, we can take something terrible and make it into something great. our neighbor committed suicide almost two weeks ago. this was someone who travis always looked up to, as he was a firefighter for salt lake city. it was a painful, terrible thing for travis (and everyone else of course) to go through, especially because when travis was young his foster brother committed suicide. but in all this pain and sadness, God presents us with possibilities for growth and for good. because of this travis and i have grown closer and trusted each other with so much more. i honestly keep thinking, "how can i ever get any happier and feel closer to this man?" and then the next day comes and i literally can't believe how happy we are.

it's been amazing to be married and to trust each other on this level i never knew existed. tonight when i left the fire station and was waving goodbye to travis, i got tears in my eyes because i was sad to leave him. good grief, he'll be home in a day, but the thought of my best friend being separated from me for even a day was enough to make me cry. ha! i never thought this would happen to me. :)

when you're close enough to someone to marry them, you think you have some small idea of what loving them feels like. i had no idea it would ever feel like this, and i can only imagine how intense it will be in even another year. a tangible measure of this growth is in the story of our little bed. when we first got married, sharing a full sized bed was only a little short of torture. neither of us slept well and we were constantly fighting for space and covers. now, we smash together and have the best sleep of our lives. when we stayed at anniversary inn, the queen sized bed was way too big and we were happy to get back to our full. i wish i could express the joy and fulfillment i find in being married to travis, but words are pretty limited.

i just never knew i had the capacity to love someone so much and accept that kind of love in return.

ok, ok this is getting wayyy to serious. :) love you and hope you have a great night!

and if any of you think you need to make some remark about "just wait until you have kids" please keep it to yourself. im enjoying the time i have to be just with my husband :)