hawaii trip, january 2015

january is always rough for me. the holiday sparkle ends, the salt lake city smog death cloud settles in, and summer seems like it will never come. this year with travis gone, january's dreariness was accompanied by my lonely heart. so spur of the moment one morning in the beginning of the month, i booked a flight to oahu, my favorite place in the world and the place that felt immediately like home. 

family and friends helped with remy, so i was flying solo. although i moved out when i was 18 and lived on my own in several places, included when i moved to hawaii and didn't know a single soul, living somewhere and taking yourself on vacation are different situations. when you move somewhere, you are busy setting up your new home and getting settled into a job or school. when you take a vacation, you don't really have anything to do. my first night, after the long flight, finding the rental car place, negotiating with the rather rude rental car salesman, finding my way from the airport to laie without GPS, (sent a prayer heavenward and then felt very guided, and if you know me, you know that my sense of direction is completely missing.) ended up eating dinner very late, and then realized every member of my little family was 2000 miles from each other, i was feeling pretty lonely and wondering if i'd made a mistake in going alone. 

but a good night's rest helped, and the next morning i decided i would embrace the alone time and just do whatever i wanted for the next four days. i started the day by walking through my old neighborhood to hukilau beach. my hair had inflated several inches from the humidity, and the old smell of tropical flowers and salt water comforted me. 

beautiful hukilau beach at sunrise.

these steps where i finished my morning runs, had deep conversations with friends, and kissed a cute boy, back when i called this place home.

it was wonderful to feel that sense of peace and joy i only ever feel near the ocean. 

after breakfast of macadamia nut pancakes at the hukilau cafe, i headed down to kailua in search of better weather. (laie is the rainiest place on the island of oahu.) lanikai beach was everything i wanted in a relaxing beach day. sunshine, white sand, clear water. i napped for a few hours, finished my new book, and didn't change a single diaper or wipe a snotty nose. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lunch was teri beef at fat boys, which was AMAZING.

i headed out in time to catch the sunset at sunset beach on north shore, but had to stop to photograph this scene, in kaneohe bay. one of the great things about traveling alone, is that you can stop and get camera happy any time you want without worrying about slowing anyone down or dealing with a screaming child.

i made it to sunset beach just in the nick of time to catch this beautiful scene.

seriously, this is a real place that exists all the time and why do i not live there. is what i think every single day of my life. after the sunset, i stopped at ted's bakery and devoured an egg and cheese breakfast sandwich for dinner. and then of course i stopped at angel's and shared a shave ice with bonnie after she got off work, my sweet friend who still lives in laie and who i stayed with.  poor sentence structure.

the next morning i slept in a bit, had a simple breakfast of groceries i'd bought, and then headed down to kailua again. i decided i wanted to kayak out to the mokulua islands, which are right off lanikai beach.

it was rainy when i got to kailua, so i had an acai bowl for lunch from lanikai juice while i waited for clearer skies.

i rented a kayak and hauled it from the rental place a few blocks away from the beach. i looked quite the sight to passersby tugging a little trailer with all my might down the road in my swim suit.  i started the journey on kailua beach and passed lanikai beach and then headed straight out towards the mokes. 

this picture was taken at almost the halfway mark of the trip out there. round trip it took about three hours. 

there were two decently big waves coming from opposite directions when i made it to the island, so my landing was far less than graceful. it seemed as though everyone was staring as i heaved the kayak up to the beach. the island appeared to be a good party spot. i smelled marijuana and a lot of alcohol. everyone was smiling and laughing.

a few minutes after arriving, a woman approached me and said in a thick new york accent, "i told my husband and sons i had to come over here and ask you, did you kayak out here all on your own?" i told her yes, that i was in oahu alone. she gripped my arm and exclaimed, "honey, are you in the coast guard? the military? i can't believe a teeny thing like you paddled out here all alone!"

so yeah, my day was made.

i awkwardly asked a guy to take my picture. it was so beautiful with dark volcanic rock and blowholes splashing up.

i hung around for about a half hour, got hit on by a group of the guys drinking and asked repeatedly, "did you really paddle out here all alone?" 

i forgot what it's like to not have a baby with you all the time and to have the attention of dudes. it's weird. 

loaded up the kayak and headed out to rough waters. luckily a giant hawaiian man took pity on me and helped me launch and keep from drowning. i made it to kailua beach and basked in the sun for a few more hours. then my stomach begged me to go to ted's and get another teri beef plate. which i did. also chocolate haupia pie. 

i ate. all. of this. 

then walked down the road to sunset beach to see the show / sunset again. i didn't have my real camera with me, but i snapped this on the phone. 

the next day was saturday, and bonnie was off work! i was getting a little bored of being by myself, so it was great to have a human to hang with. we headed up north shore and found the volcom pipe pro surf competition. 

the last surf comp i'd been to on north shore, was the day after thanksgiving. i had been walking along the beach on my phone, talking to my mom. an enormous wave came crashing up further than the previous ones, snatched me up, and pounded me around until the phone was dead and i was bleeding from the forehead. as i scrambled up the beach to safety, the announcer called out, to the hundreds of people watching the surfers, "remember to stay away from the surf people." 

this time i stayed safely away from the water and had fun playing with my new 70-200 mm travis bought me for christmas. i was pretty happy with how this shot came out, considering i wasn't using a telephoto lens. 

pretty soon bonnie and i got hungry and headed to, you guessed it, ted's. where she had a teri beef sandwich and i devoured this shrimp plate. 

then we drove up to turtle beach and saw a handful of turtles! took some pictures, sat in the surf, and got all caught up on each other's lives. 

there are probably way to many bikini shots of me here. but i work freakin' hard for my body.  thanks bonnie!

that night her husband, rhett, met up with us in haleiwa for thai food. we tried haleiwa eats, but they are still closed (major bummer) so we found a pretty good thai truck. and a lot of mochi ice cream. i found remington a cute stuffed lobster. stuffed animal, not like an actual stuffed real lobster.

we stayed up late talking and laughing. how i miss my friend!

the next day was sunday, my last day. of course i spent it at the beach. the sun was hot, i swam in the ocean and felt completely joyful and at peace. read a book. met a older man who told me all about his line of lingerie for men that is based on cave man days and prehistoric furs. he got a little too friendly and told me i could move into his apartment above his garage. this was about the time i decided to leave the beach.

and go to ted's. again. and eat a teri beef plate and chocolate haupia pie. again.

after hanging with bonnie's family and playing games, getting showered and packed up, we said goodbye and i headed to the airport. which is an entire story in itself, as i got really lost and came pretty close to missing my flight. two layovers and a sleepless night later, i was back in slc and feeling the landlocked blues.  

luckily this boy was waiting for me with a big kiss and hug. 

great trip seeing my friend Pacific. 

xo. 

one of those, sunflowers growing in patches of weeds, posts.

there are so many things.
i've been avoiding this former safe haven of mine for a lot of reasons.
i wrote a post a few months ago when i was having suicidal thoughts and it was like, pretty real. 
didn't post it because i was afraid that errbody would think i had lost it. again. i've never not posted something i gushed into this blog.

then a friend made a comment about how every time he checks my blog he sees another crisis in my life and i was like, yikes, i'm that person.

which i never used to care about.

of course there is the whole, travis joining the military when i didn't want him to and marriage is hard sometimes but i don't want to talk about it on my blog because it's pretty personal and unlike a certain uncle of mine likes to think i don't post every single detail of my life for the public to read. thing.

and now the current situation which is my husband being two thousand miles from home while i'm here being the only parent to our toddler son who throws food and tantrums all over my face.

plus the feelings that come from getting further and further from the religion you were raised in and how you want to write about it but not disappoint your loved ones.

yes, i know i'm a person who has a lot of feelings and maybe i do have crisis after crisis. don't we all?

a lot has been going on. but tonight i'm thinking a lot about all the good that has come from this current "crisis." you know me, trying to find the silver lining or the sunflowers in weeds sheeeeeet.


the two things that are keeping me sane right now are two things i never would have experienced if travis hadn't left, my job and my climbing gym membership.

working with the junior high kids has been... i can't even find the word. incredible or amazing isn't right. i feel smart again. useful. completely encompassed in the love you feel for kids you are trying to help. ready to get serious about becoming a therapist. this opportunity has helped me realize the right program for me is social work, and i am surrounded by social workers who will write me the best letters of recommendation. the kids are wonderful, smart, strong, resilient, hilarious. i never would have applied for a job if travis had stayed here. i only started looking because i didn't want to be home alone with a babe all day every day. plus, travis's sister, melissa, watches remy while i work, and it has been wonderful getting to know her and her kids better and having her get closer to remy. i'm so lucky to have such a good mother and friend to take care of my boy.

then the climbing thing.

we've dabbled a little in the past, bought the gear, gone occasionally.  but this time, it filled the hole of travis being gone and gave me something new to work toward. being on the wall and only having to think of the next move to make is therapeutic, almost to the point of being spiritual for me. my good friend and i were talking about religion and feeling spiritual and how it's not just something you find in church. for me, climbing is that feeling of calm. the days i climb, my depression and anxiety are nowhere to be found. i come home at night and don't have the OCD issues and certainty that remy will somehow die in his sleep if i don't swaddle him the exact right way with the blanket tag facing down. (for reals.) i've gotten closer to my brother chad, who is my climb buddy, and i feel a new confidence and love for my body.

these things are huge! if travis hadn't joined the national guard, i wouldn't have experienced any of it.
blah blah, with hard things come great opportunities for growth, blah blah, you've heard it all before.

it doesn't make it any less meaningful for me.

xo.

(here is that damn suicidal post i was too afraid to make public.) fighting it.

this is not a cry for help. 
i am not suicidal. i'm doing fine. 
this post was written back in september. 
by the way, c.w., this post talks about suicide. 


today i went to see my psychiatrist to get my refill.
so basically i got to pay $30 to spend seven minutes with a guy i barely know, who stares at my file on his clipboard and says dumb things.
i see him roughly every two months, so it's not much skin off my nose. but today he really bothered me.

in general, with the whole 'robin williams is an actor i loved so i feel the need to talk about his suicide and my opinion of it online' thing really bothered me. there has just been a lot of suicide talk lately and i guess today was the last straw.

my depression hasn't been doing so great lately. the past month and a half it's come creeping back. my energy is low, i'm not that interested in things, i feel numb or sad or like my insides are ripping apart, i nap almost every time remy does in the afternoon even though i get plenty of sleep at night, and i'm having a hard time connecting to others. there have even been days where i think about ending my life.

this is nothing new; i spent most of my teenage years and early twenties fighting these feelings.

and i'm not saying this so that you will call me and say, "oh collette! read your blog! i am so sorry!" (obviously that's nice of you to say. half of the time i write here i don't even think about anyone reading it. this is not a cry for help. i have lots of help. i'm okay.)

i guess i just want to say that depression is tough.
i'm not trying to be selfish.
i actually hold most of it in and try really hard to be happy, to be thankful for everything i am blessed with, and to listen and serve others.

today the psychiatrist made several comments that i was a little shocked to hear.

"oh so you aren't doing as well with the depression. have you had suicidal thoughts?" thumbs through my chart. "you've actually attempted suicide before right?"

"yeah."

"huh. you tend to go from doing well to suicidal pretty fast."

"uh huh."

"well you can't be doing that now. you have a baby to think about."

"yep."

"you need to let go of resentment over things and work on some forgiveness."

i actually started laughing at this point. "doctor, if you'd give me your secrets on how to do that on command, i'd love to hear it."


seriously this man has gone to medical school. i'm assuming he's pretty intelligent. so i'm always shocked when he says things like this.

he's not all bad though, really.
when i first started going and was still adjusting to medications and fighting the postpartum depression at its worst, i had a really bad week. it was so bad that i dropped remy off at my mom's and then headed home to end my life. it was scary. i was done.

then my phone rang. it was my doctor, calling to check on me. i held the phone in my hand trying to decide if i should answer. i answered and immediately started to sob, telling him i was driving home to kill myself and that i didn't want to and that i was afraid. he talked me through it very calmly, reminding me that it was probably the medications making me feel worse and that it would pass. asking if i needed to go back to lds hospital to commit myself. he brought me back to myself and made me promise to call him the next day. that phone call saved my life.

and here is where i can hear matt walsh, freaking matt walsh of the matt walsh blog, which i will not post a link to because i do not want to add to his blog traffic, saying things like, "no one was forcing you to drive home and kill yourself. you had a choice."

MATT WALSH. PLEASE DON'T WRITE THINGS ABOUT SUICIDE ANYMORE.
PLEASE DO NOT WRITE ANYTHING ANYMORE.
YOU. DO. NOT. UNDERSTAND. SUICIDE.

or at least that was the impression i got after reading his piece of garbage about robin williams.

also. matt walsh.  YOU DID NOT PERSONALLY KNOW ROBIN WILLIAMS. STAY THE EFF OUT OF IT.

yeah, that whole thing really chapped my behind and actually, the entire thing with the whole internet thinking they needed to weigh in on robin william's suicide was disgusting.

unless you have been there, you do not understand.

i don't know exactly why my depression worsened this past month. one week i was pretty happy. then the next i was sad again. when i say sad i mean, i have an ache inside of me that is oh-so familiar. the ache settles into my chest and stomach and hands and eyes. as i go about my day, the ache is there, distracting me from remy, telling me travis doesn't really love me, reminding me that i'm damaged ridiculous boring useless exhausted.

until you have fought with this ache following you around, you don't understand how a person with a good life, a beautiful child, and a loving husband could think about ending it. physically, there is something wrong with my brain. PTSD and depression have physiologically changed my brain. that doesn't mean that i am not going to keep fighting it, taking my meds twice a day, and going to therapy.

just means that it's hard. hard enough without the internet and my psychiatrist making those kinds of comments. depression is real and it physically hurts.

when i'm having a particularly rough day, i listen to this ingrid michaelson song on repeat. hopefully if you are feeling the ache, this helps.

San Francisco in November
The water, it's still warm

When you're broken,
You can't tell them what went wrong

Ohhh, ohhh
Ohhh, ohhh

Jumper is what they'll name you
Just another jumper
You're not the first

When you're broken,
You can't tell them where it
When you're broken, 
You can't tell them where it hurts

1, 2, 3
1, 2, 3
Did you count 1, 2, 3?
Did you count 1, 2, 3?
Easy as 1, 2, 3
Easy as 1, 2, 3
Easy as 1, 2, 3
Did you count 1, 2, 3?

And then...

Ohhh, ohhh
Ohhh, ohhh

I'm sorry that I never met you
And I'm sorry that we never touched

When you're broken,
You forget there's so much
When you're broken,
You forget there's so much more
You forget there's so much more
You forget there's so much more
than you. 



there really is so much more and it is possible to feel it.
keep fighting it.
xo.

family fail-tures.

so i'm a photographer.  so i'm obsessed with photos. and i obsess over creating perfection for everyone else's photos.  i advise you what to wear, where to go, what time will be best. i goo and gah and jump around like a loon to get babies to smile. when a mother tells me her kid isn't a smiler, that's my challenge to get that kid to smile and i will do whatever is necessary. i've gotten grass stains on my jeans, broken a flip flop and gone barefoot for the shoot in the weeds, been bitten by 100 misquotes, come dangerously close to a moose, trespassed, hiked through snow up to my waist, invited a gang of skateboarders to join a bridal shoot, stood outside in 20 degree weather and in 95 degree weather. been rained on, sunburned, waded in a lake. gotten up before the sun, stayed way past my bedtime. 

i'll do whatever i can do to make your pictures perfect.

then, there's the challenge of my own family pictures. i have the awful obsession with perfection, but i'm not able to take them. i also love my equipment and am skeptical of a lot of photographer's gear. i don't want to pay anyone else! like probably every other photographer out there, i just want to take my own family pictures, dammit. 

alas, it never works. 

this year, first we tried my brother reed. he has a good eye and is willing to use my camera. there was finally a day that travis didn't work and i didn't have a shoot already scheduled. it was the only day available. i round brushed my hair. travis actually put gel in his. i'm wearing eyeliner. remy's outfit was perfect and all the clothes finally fit him, not to big, not yet too small. (the struggle is real, okay.) 

and then. we get to our location. and remington throws the biggest fit. he refuses to cooperate. i even ran to a store near where we were, bought a bag of cookies, and let him eat all of them. 

nope. 

i was pretty devastated. 

this was the best one we got and we used it for christmas cards. which i have yet to mail. ... 

yeah, they are funny and definitely more entertaining than if remy had just cooperated.
sigh.



so then my mom wanted to do family pictures with the charles side. there was a mix up about what my brothers were wearing, my mom dashed to the mall ten minutes before we were supposed to start, blah blah blah we didn't get the lighting i wanted. also i don't like using a tripod and then running to my place and hoping it turns out. these ones were okay.

as my heart explodes with love. 

my dad was teasing me about acting like i didn't want to be in the photo with him, so this. 

was pretty bummed this one came out blurry. but we are still cuuute. 

i probably will never get that perfect shot i have envisioned. maybe in a few years when rem is old enough to listen to me, but still young enough not to be a grump about pictures. 

not ideal, but still a good time to look through. 

always dissatisfied, 

xo.