the things i never set out to do

i like to think im not the kind of girl who flies by the seat of her pants.
i like to think i have life plans and stick to them. follow them through.
oh wait. recap of life's bigger decisions lately.
maybe ill go to SUU. graduate and teach there. no wait.
move to hawaii. never planned that one. just applied for funsies.
hmmm oh ok move there even though i don't know anyone
or anything really.
oh ok ill stay there, graduate, teach brown kids, marry a brown guy, stick around.
go home for the summer to work. fully plan on going back.
reserve housing. make a class schedule.
oh no, wait i better stay in utah. even though my plane leaves
in three days.
ill go to the U of U. linguistics? sure, sounds good.
travis bodtcher? didn't we go to high school together? oh hi let's date.
marriage? nope i don't like that at all.
oh wait am i married now? wait that wasn't part of my plan...
kids. ill wait. no no really. im not ready.
so i peed on a stick this morning and well...

hahahah tricked you! don't worry. it's all good and empty wombwise.

but i did change my mind about the U of U.
school starts tomorrow but i won't be on the train or in class.
im going to massage school in oct. :) go ahead. judge me. ill finish school after im a massage therapist and have a better idea of what i want to do.

but honestly i keep doing all the things i never set out to do.
and im so darn happy. :)

the marriage life

life is really crazy right now.

the only reason i have a spare moment to type this is because it's sunday morning before church and we don't work on the house on sunday.
travis and i got married. it was a beautiful, wonderful day and when i get pictures back im sure ill write a novel that no one will want to finish because of how ridiculously long and epic it will be.
we went on a honeymoon to myrtle beach and had so much fun and learned way more about what being married is and how to make it work best than i thought i could learn in a week.
then we flew home to real life.

and it was even better than the big day and the honeymoon.

our house is under construction. the walls and ceilings needed mudding and sanding.
every room needs primer (for the oil based existing paint on the walls) and paint. ceilings too.
oh and new base and doors and hardwear and cover the hardwood floors and a new countertop for the kitchen and stove and bug bomb for spiders and don't even think about moving in yet because of how much we have to do.

our ideas of style and decorating are very different.
travis wants to redo everything brand new.
i want to keep the original (and not always intact or in nice shape) features of the house.
so we are learning what compromising means.
for any of you who know me well, you know this is a NEW idea to me.
compromise? psh. :) i don't do that.
oh yes i do.
and because i love that man so darn much ill learn how to compromise and he's usually right anyway.
don't tell him i said that.

so we have been working on the house every second and i don't shower or clean up. shaving? who does that? it's gym shorts and ponytails.
my dad said, "didn't take you long to let yourself go did it?" thanks dad :)
travis's sister melissa got married friday. it was the perfect day.
i showered, shaved, groomed, plucked, masceraed.
wore heels.
travis said, "it's been a while since you wore a tight fitting shirt. and your hair looks so nice."
haha

so yeah. im an old married woman.
i love it!
travis is the sweetest and funniest and we have had some good arguments
and some good making up :)
and mostly just loving each other more every single day.

oh! our house has some great colors.
the kitchen is a yellowish cream
the front room is sage green blue ish
the bathrooms are b r i g h t bluegreen
the bedroom is orange. but more of a peach really.
the art studio/office/study/library is cream
the tv room isn't done yet.
(i have to name all the rooms so there isn't room for a baby room. it there is room a baby will come and we don't want that now do we)
but yeah the house is amazing.
the only furniture we have is our bed and new piano.
so all we really need. :)

life really just gets crazier. exciting though.
i love all of it.

the man who is my man

oh and in a week im getting married to travis randy bodtcher.

thank you for having the balls to ask me out on a date, instead of just to hang out

thank you for never playing games and for always being honest

thank you for still opening my car door two years later

thank you for never letting me pay for a date and for never making me feel guilty for it

thank you for still taking the time to take care of me while you were in paramedic school

thank you for being patient with my homesickness

thank you for my ee cummings book

thank you for always laughing and keeping me grounded

thank you for being attractive and not knowing it

thank you for bringing me flowers

thank you for watching grey's anatomy with me for hours

thank you for letting me watch pretty woman over and over

thank you for a house with roses

thank you for reassuring me

thank you for telling me i was pretty even when i was thirty pounds heavier

thank you for always killing the spiders

thank you for always taking me lunch when i worked at macy's

thank you for being an example of a good person

thank you for loving all my bad parts

thank you for taking your job so seriously

thank you for waiting for my dad to love you

thank you for eating spicy thai food even though it makes you sick

thank you for introducing me to your family

thank you for being thoughtful every day

thank you for asking me to sing to you all the time

thank you for always knowing how to make me feel better

thank you for praying with me

thank you for asking me to marry you every day for six months even though i said no

thank you for my beautiful ring

thank you for not wanting kids for five + years

thank you for marrying me in one week

the house we bought

so life is crazy this month.

travis bought a house. actually, he keeps telling me "we bought a house."

the house is a fixer uper and i have fallen deeply in love with its character.

yesterday we- travis, josh, randy, mandi, and i- sanded the wood floors and cleaned the bathrooms, which by the way were horribly disgusting. like urine and who knows what else on the walls. but anyway, travis always blows my mind with his man skills. he knows or learns to do anything that needs doing.

marrying a man who can fix everything is a really good move. :)

we took off all the molding around the base and doors, removed old curtains, and basically made a mess of the house. but as our cousin mandi said, "the more we rip the house apart, the better it looks." after hours of sanding and sweeping, the wood floors are gorgeous.

we are almost done choosing paint colors. (!) i have all these elaborate decorating ideas.

but the best part of this whole house thing is that ill be living there with travis.

the 4th of july

4th of july weekend.

• caught a fish on a fly rod
• rode a horse named annie who was kind of a jerk
• spent time with family
• ate so much ice cream from my uncle's dairy huckleberry cheesecake
• went running with travis every day
• had a bridal shower with the reeds
• cheeseburger and homemade rootbeer
• sang and played guitar for the ladies at my great grandma's nursing home
• kidnapped great grandma and took her to the firework show
• saw way too much beautiful scenery
• fell more in love with my fiance

the poppies

the neighbor up the street grows the most gorgeous poppies.

the blue and green

my love affair with the ocean

it had been a very long day of traveling. flying, waiting, driving, waiting, and then the van full of strangers dropped me off in the driveway of a white duplex surrounded by jungle, accompanied by two suitcases, a longboard, and my guitar. my phone had died hours before. i was almost three thousand miles away from any person i knew by name.

after finding my way to the door, claiming my bed, and leaving my belongings in this new humid place with the sounds of chickens, cars blaring on the highway, and brown people playing reggae, i set off to find a beach.

i didn't have to go far. across the street was a beach park. the spongy grass felt strange on my bare feet and the trees dropped prickly things that stuck to my toes. a small incline led to the beach and the thickness of jungle and palm trees opened up to a sea of blue green grey waves. in disbelief i slowly neared the edge of sand and looked out to the ends of the earth. sobs escaped from my throat. i was home. and so began my love affair with the ocean.

it is difficult to describe the comfort of living so near to the ocean to someone who has only visited or seen pictures. i don't know if every person who lives near an ocean feels the same sense of love and security as i did, but the ocean became so much more to me than a place to swim, socialize, or admire. i took all my problems, insecurities, doubts, as well as my joys and dreams, to the ocean.

i learned a healthy respect for the ocean as well. there were a few times i honestly thought i was going to drown and die. i learned when to get in and swim, and when to just sit on the shore and watch. there is a certain trust one must have when entering those waves. i watched men surf in thirty foot waves. i saw beautiful brown babies learn to float in calm waters. bad weather and flooding caused the ocean to become brown and muddy, full of debris; still she was beautiful.

there were things from the past haunting me, halting my growth and progression. i took these things to the ocean. usually just in thoughts, but some nights i screamed and beat my fists. i wrote letters to the people who had hurt me, penned them with the sea air in my face and the smell of salt on my lips. i saw many a full moon's reflection over the dark waves and watched sirius make his way through the night sky. the ocean was always there, always listening.

the ocean heard thoughtful discussions with close friends, held us in her arms, and heard us sing. friendships grew, love grew, and we grew.

the day i left hawaii, i spent the entire afternoon at the beach, saying goodbye. it was heartwrenching, and i know this sounds so dramatic, but i truly felt i was leaving my best friend behind.

now im landlocked and far away from the humidity, hot sand, and loud reggae. im engaged to a wonderful man, and i have a happy life here. but the day after tomorrow im getting on a plane and flying back for two weeks. this may sound ridiculous, but i don't think i could get married and commit my whole life without talking to the ocean about it first. i am committed and im ready, but i need to feel that piece of myself i only ever felt there. i have to feel that piece and take it with me so i can be complete and whole.

"Heart, that sinks through fading colors deep
To the subaqueous stillness of the sea,
And floats forever in a moon-green pool,
Held in the arms of rhythm and of sleep."

(i am in need of music, elizabeth bishop)

check out the bluegrass band playing at our wedding

http://www.ridinthefaultline.com/music/faultline.mp3

they play at a bbq place every friday so we went to watch and pick apart some ribs. mmmmmhmmm

besides their fantastic music and 17 years worth of practice together, they have a comedy routine :)

and each musician totally looks like their instrument.

the bad attitudes

so i've been really stressed lately because i don't have a job. i feel like i have to get up early, work out harder than i normally would, be productive, and basically make up for the fact that i don't have a job and am "useless." grumpy, self absorbed, irritated, and pessimistic are some of the emotions i have been projecting onto the people i love.

what should be happening is i should take advantage of all this time to do the things i love: music, painting, reading, being outdoors, enjoying my family and travis. i should be using this time to enjoy planning our wedding. i may never have this much free time again in my life, so no more wasting.

im done stressing out over three months of unemployment/school being out for summer. the weather is finally gorgeous, im getting married to a wonderful man, going to hawaii for two weeks, im young, life is good.

no more stress
no more pessimism
no more grumpy

the sexy man who fixes sprinklers

he might be upset that i posted these...

i need help. im nubby with computers. please help me format this blog :) ?

the sweet girl who dipped underwater

travis and i went to his (our) niece's baptism. she asked me to sing, which is always such an honor. :) she's a sweet girl with an opinion about everything. classic oldest daughter. not that i know anything about that.

today travis and i scraped and painted the house he (we) is (are) buying. it was one of the most enjoyable days i have had in a while. for any of you who know me, you know i love to tease, make personal jokes, and be a little bit rude. all in the name of love, naturally. well when it comes to dating, this can be a problem. i have dated many guys who don't really know what to do with that part of me. feelings get hurt, ideas are mis- communicated. something i love so much about travis is the back and forth teasing we have without anyone being upset. we just laugh. i like to think im a clever person (lol) and travis keeps me on my toes. literally too. :)

the fantastic life

my life is wonderful, full, and blessed.

• i am engaged to the most thoughtful, caring, hilarious, respectful, handsome, smart, hardworking, etc etc etc man. like we are actually going to belong to each other. :)
• the weather finally warmed up and things are green again.
• i have a friend named benny who writes beautiful music with me and tells great stories. you should really meet him sometime; he's fantastic.
• im listening to hysteric by yeah yeah yeahs. acoustic. that in itself is enough to make for a nice night.
• there are girlfriends around me who help me feel ok with everything changing, support me, and keep me laughing. laughing is the absolute best medicine. i don't care who you are.
• family :) my family, travis's family, either way im so blessed to be surrounded by caring, genuine people.
• i have time to work out for an hour every day. feelin healthy.
• IM GOING TO HAWAII IN TWO WEEKS! oh man.
• oh did i mention im getting married? :)

the emotional woman

i have been pretty emotional the past few days. no really. i was at the gym, running on the treadmill, sweat dripping down my face, and since i was at gold's gym, i was running in the
cardio cinema (awesome) and watching coach carter. for anyone who hasn't seen it, it's about a team of kids who are going nowhere but basketball saves theirs lives etc. i don't even like this movie. but as the kids, after losing the final game (sorry if i ruined it) file out to greet the crowd after showering in the locker rooms, the crowd is still so happy to see them, cheering, etc. yeah it's really cheesy. but as i was running and sweating i started crying. right there in the gym. yeah.
then yesterday i taught sunday school and told a personal story because no one else would share. and i cried again.
then i was telling travis goodnight and that i love him. cried again. you get the picture.

all the times i have cried this week have been because im so happy. yes, the warm weather plays a huge role, but a big reason im so happy again is because i finally changed my attitude. im happy to be where i am right here and now. God blesses us with things we might not see as blessings at first. luckily He is patient enough to wait for us to thank him later. :)

the good life

my guitar is sitting on my leopard skin rug, leaning up against my wall. it's saying "why don't you play me anymore?" i played for a minute tonight, but just lost patience with the internet chords and not feeling like playing by ear. lately i have been messing with my harmonica and learning how to play bluegrass music with benny, guitar hero and mandolin learner. bluegrass is a good time to sing.

lately.
-took a trip to st george and zion's with travis. we hiked angel's landing, emerald pools, weeping rock, and got a little lost going the wrong way through the park. the good weather, being with my man, and seeing family was a great weekend.

-i started going to kickboxing, pilates, (a few months ago) and doing p90x. im working on getting ripped. haha we'll see. it's an awesome challenge and i love exercising. im never getting out of shape again.

-went biking in moab with my daddy. that man is a champion. his college buddies nicknamed him "mountain goat" for a good reason. while the young guys with their full suspension bikes were huffing and puffing, my father was cruising up slickrock and smoking everyone on his old beat up bike. he inspires me. plus it was nice to spend the day with my dad, talking to him about everything. (i made him explain politics and economics from nixon to obama to me during the drive.) im blessed to have doug charles as my father.

-i took a linguistics take home test. no big deal; it's open book open note. six and a half hours later im still not sure how i did. it's kind of like music theory, only with words... so hard yet i love that class so much.

life is good. im learning so much about being happy and making the most of the situation you're given. i have so much to be grateful for and im trying to deserve it all. :)

there's this thing called love

he whistles at me.
he takes me to church.
he shares books with me.
he takes me on dates.
he sings with me.
he makes me happy.

the man who became a paramedic

my boyfriend travis passed his national paramedic test! we are all so proud of him :) my mom and i made him a cake to say congratulations. way to go travis!

the bullets

• stayed up late watching scrubs with reed
• i love my wed night pilates class. it's something i feel like i do completely for me.
  
• we made meal plans in my health class today and i won a banana in a contest in class. oh yeah.
• it's freezing outside, but i love wearing boots.
• those boots have a five inch heel. i was feeling pretty sexy, crossing the street after getting off trax. there were quite a few people around. of course i fell flat on my face.
  
• travis and i ate chili for dinner. we didn't put rice in it. it's the mainland.
• my mom is the greatest mother bear of all time.
• the theme music to grey's anatomy, the piano song that plays during those tender moments, it actually brings me to tears sometimes. don't tell anyone.
• i really do understand the importance of attitude in living a happy life.
  
• phonology is amazing. loving the linguistics program. :)

the passage of a beautiful human

a big thing happened. i watched a friend die. she was on the last stages of ovarian cancer. months ago she asked me to come sing to her when she was dying so when her sister and one of my oldest friends, came over to my house in tears, i knew it was that time. i grabbed my guitar and we headed down the street.
she weighed probably less than ninety pounds, a shadow of her once busty and curvy self. the cancer had left her too weak to even hold up her head. i now understand the expression "death rattle." careful of iv's and tubes, i eased onto the bed next to her and sang somewhere over the rainbow, the song she had requested. the crowded room grew quiet, and karina's breathing calmed down. music is amazing.
i played for over an hour, singing folk songs, pop songs, church songs, drawing out anything and everything i have ever learned to play or sing. when someone knew the song, they joined in and were comforted. having something to contribute and do made all the difference in dealing with watching her die.
we stayed all night, making her comfortable, watching her grow weaker. she passed at midnight, just like her to make it to the next day. she is a beautiful, generous, selfless person, and i am blessed to have known her. she is an example of faith and attitude to me and i will never quite be the same for having experienced this.