the slc baby

three posts in a day. i must be procrastinating homework. travis is doing taxes and i am supposed to be watching a video lecture for my abnormal psych class.

earlier today we went downtown and i snapped a few photos. seriously, loving my camera and starting to feel less like a poser, especially since i learned the correct way to hold it. plus the thermometer in my car said it was 57 degrees downtown. um yes please.

i love this town. moving back to salt lake after living in hawaii was kind of a let down. but there are still plenty of reasons to enjoy living in the salt lake valley. in a ten minute drive i can be downtown, mountain biking up millcreek canyon, hiking, or snowboarding, (fine, that's like a 30 minute drive and i don't snowboard anymore). there are also several good lakes for boating.  okay, there's no ocean, but if i have to live somewhere inland, this isn't the bottom of the list.

adult child brides.

yesterday while travis and i were cooking dinner, the doorbell rang. we looked at each other in shock, because the entire year and a half we have lived in this house, our doorbell has probably only rang 10 times. most people who come over use the side door, and most of our neighbors, bless their hearts, are old enough to go to  bed by 7. and they never come over.

since travie's hands were full of spatula and chicken, i answered the door, nervously checking through the window before turning the handle. a young man, looking to be somewhere between eighteen and twenty five stood on the porch.
"hi, is that your car-" he started, looking behind me into the house.
"um?" i replied. "the car?"
"are your parents home?" he asked, still craning his neck to see behind me into the kitchen.
i stared at him.
"i am an adult. this is my house. that is my car." i stated. like a robot.
he apologized and then tried to sell me something, but i cut him off mid sentence and sent him on his way.

are my parents home. are my parents home!? good hell, i was wearing makeup! i know i look like a 14 year old without it, but i had some dark eye shadow going on.
maybe this is why i have a hard time feeling like an adult, who is old enough to be married, graduating from college, and selling her house.

earlier in the week, i was doing some grocery shopping at the sunflower market. i wanted to enter my name into a drawing for a hundred dollar gift card. the man at the booth looked at me with kind eyes, "honey, are you at least eighteen?"

then a few weeks ago at counseling, i had to give the ladies at the front desk permission for travis to get an email from my counselor. you know, HIPAA and all that.
"hi, i need to give you the slip so my husband can see the information my counselor wants to email him."
they looked at each other. one said, "so you really are old enough to have a husband?"
i looked from face to face. "how old do you think i am?"
a grey haired woman said, "well, if you told us you were fifteen, we would believe you."

whelp, i'm a child bride, actually.
but here's the kicker. i have started to find gray hairs on my head. i'm twenty three. gray. hairs. i have probably found five of them. what good are my baby face and smooth skin going to be if i have gone gray by thirty??

pretty funny right?

wining and dining

travis came home early from wyoming. and we partied like rockstars.

 we hit the good stuff hard on friday nights. 

in the wine glasses i found at the DI for a buck. 

and then ish gets a little crazy

trav cooked his signature meal for me

chicken fettuccine alfredo

but this time i experimented with the sauce 

and then he described to me his mustache plans for next week. 

also, our kitchen is pretty dark, like the lighting is terrible, so the pictures of our food, look pretty disgusting. i promise in real life, it was delicious. and no, i didn't take pictures of each step of each dish to walk you through making it. but i will leave you with the recipe for the sauce, which is gluten/butter/heavy cream free and also delicious. and easy.

• roughly a cup of low fat cream cheese 
• some milk... we used skim 
• a butt ton of fresh parmesan and mozzarella cheese
• a few cloves of finely sliced garlic
• salt, pepper, onion, parsley

i think that was it for ingredients. you add everything together in a bowl and mix and then throw it on the stove with the chicken. it seemed to thicken just fine after cooling.
enjoy!

creepin' on professor dempsey

feeling super creep right now.
for the story i want to tell, i needed a picture of one of my professors. he doesn't have one on the university page, so naturally, i google imaged him and there was one picture.


i have become that person who stays up late searching the intarwebs for pictures of her professors. when did this become my life??

here's the story. i am taking research methods from an outstanding teacher. he makes learning fun, he's enthusiastic, he told us to think of him as a "human professor" instead of those gradspeak robots who teach psych classes. he remembers our names and really tries hard. he even admitted that sometimes he gets nervous lecturing. and he remembered that i jokingly suggested doughnuts would help us stay awake (class is from 6-9pm) and he brought some today!

oh and he looks like patrick dempsey. 

which never hurts.

it's not the best picture of my professor, and he doesn't have a goatee anymore, but do you see what i mean a little bit? 


(remember, i'm kind of obsessed with (shame) grey's anatomy.plus, his mannerisms, crinkly eye smile, and laugh are similar too!)

today, we were all sitting there waiting for class to start. our teacher comes in and is setting up. he shows off the doughnuts. we all laugh. it's looking to be a great class. then i open my mouth.
"you know, professor ______, you have a celebrity look alike!" i blurt.
"oh really?" he says, "who?"
pause. "well, do you ever watch greys's anatomy?" and my voice gets quiet and embarrassed. the class listens intently. "he's the neurosurgeon, and you teach psychology, so it's even better!"
then one of the red headed Armenian twins speaks up. don't worry, the red hair is dyed. "wait, isn't he the one they call 'mcdreamy'?!" then the other twin joins in, "yeah! mcdreamy! you know, the hot one!"
at this point our professor is looking pretty red. "uhhh..."
i have already looked up a picture on my phone of mcdreamy and am showing it to my classmates. then i realize, i've basically just told my professor i think he's mcdreamy... 
i shrink in my chair. "okay, i didn't mean for that to be so ...inappropriate!!" i call out. the class is nervously laughing. our professor is looking at me now, saying, "i dunno, this just seems a little inappropriate..." he's laughing. of course i keep awkwardly apologizing and saying, "forget i said anything! i didn't mean anything! he's just a good actor..." WTH? WHY WHY WHY?? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER TAPE MY MOUTH SHUT???


ok then there's the situation a few weeks ago with my father in law.
i love my father in law. but can i just tell you that he is the most stubborn person on earth. no really, think of the most stubborn person you know and then multiply it by 10. i don't really want to go into the whole story, but basically, he knows how to poke the sleeping bear. me being the sleeping bear. two weeks ago, i got so angry at him, i walked over to the sink, filled a cup with water, walked back  to him, and dumped it into his lap. i basically supersoaked my father in law. oh and i swore at him, too, said "shit" in a sentence to him. and then i filled a bucket with water and was going to pour that on him too and travis had to pry it out of my hands.
and then travis asked his dad if he had wet his pants.


yeah, it's out of control.
i know i should just keep my mouth shut, or not react when someone is trying to get a rise out of me, but it's like in that moment, i just forget.
you guys do that, too, right?

love notes and gap teeth

travis is in wyoming for the week, installing cabinets with his uncle for some dollar bills. he was pretty sad the night before he left, being extra clingy and refusing to be in separate rooms. we aren't one of those couples who refuse to pee in front of each other. they're just bodies right? 

also, he doesn't ever want me to post the dates of when he's gone because he says it's not safe... uhhh how is that supposed to make me feel?? like i have to be on guard for a break in and attack the entire time he's gone if i post that he's gone because someone will take advantage of him being gone?? breathe.
i guess in his line of work, this paranoia is to be expected.

when i got up yesterday morning, he had left this note for me.

pretty darling. i hate spending money. like i had been wearing the same pair of contacts for two months because i didn't want to shell out 50 bucks (for 6 months worth... i'm not wearing supersonic contacts or anything...). also, i have been dying to dye my hair (punny right?) forever but feel guilty spending money on something so frivolous. travis is all about spoiling me, even though we don't have gobs of cash laying around. also, he is always telling me how proud of me he is, for being in school and working so hard. ah travis, my blog is turning into your shrine...

in other news, i have a huge test today for my sensation and perception class. it's the first test of the semester, so there's all that anxiety about the unknown. will he be a tough grader? will his questions be tricky? i have been studying my brains out, so we'll see.

oh and something else, something funny. this is what i looked like when i was ten years old. my mom dragged this beauty out of the archives last saturday.

pretty attractive amirite? oh i hated how i looked!! i still feel a little embarrassed looking at this picture, and i can vividly remember my some of my classmates being pretty awful about it. like the time i found a book one of the more popular girls made under a desk. kinda reminiscent of the burn book from mean girls. my name was in it, next to the words ugliest girl in the class. seriously, can we teach our children to be nice to each other?? grade school kids can be pretty cruel yes? i'm sure we all have a story like this repressed somewhere in our brains. well, after my initial glance at this picture feeling pretty ashamed and embarrassed, i remembered my new mantra of self love. and i decided to give her the chance she wished her peers would have. i love that gap toothed, coke bottle glasses, terrible haircut ten year old. i hope you love yours, too.

so the sex post is coming. i have two tests, a quiz, and a paper due on top of lectures and textbook readings. so this week is a little nuts. but you know how it gets when travis is gone... me up until 2am blogging about how much i miss the ocean... can you imagine if i was a drinker?? just be grateful you'll never have to know how sappy i could get.

oh and another thing. if you need something great to listen to, check this out. and everything else they do. they do solo stuff and collaborative as well.  they are one of those amazing powercouples who play music together. (thanks benny shell for introducing me.)

have a wonderful self loving tuesday. xo

a few scenic photos

so while the superbowl was going on, i felt like my time could be better spent outside taking some pichas.
these were taken in Bluffdale, Utah at my sister in law's.
i have never enjoyed utah winters, and a good portion of january and february are just dull and grey. i have been trying to be more positive this year and find some beauty in the cold.

superbowling

today was america's most cherished, eagerly awaited holiday. tears would be shed, oaths would be made, and celebrations would abound.
i hope you read that with as much sarcasm as i wrote it with.
i think the NFL is ridiculous.
i find it pathetic that americans place so much importance and spend so much money to watch overly inflated egos knock each other around.
sorry, i know that's super lame, not to mention hypocritical, considering i love the Utah Jazz.
and stepping down off of soapbox. 
whatev.
anyway, i had a good time hangin' out with trav's family, eating kettle korn and drinking ginger ale, and enjoying madonna's half time show. seriously madonna, you are immortal. (and why is it that all superbowl half time shows are so terrible???? you'd think that with all that money and attention at stake, they could do a better job?)

uh, love the braindead stare that football watching always creates.
made it through another season of constant football, phew!
now maybe i'll be travis's favorite thing again... (oh sad!! just a joke?)
hope your superbowls were ...super...
groaning. xo

sex talk.

ok. so if you're my facebook friend, you may have noticed this picture i posted last week:

so i was writing my research proposal with the aid of these books. i basically have to pretend to do research and go through all the writing that comes with it for one of my classes. i figured it i have to write a huge paper about fake research, i might as well do it on something i am passionate about: sex, wormen, orgasm, and bodies. you know, in the context of our culture. (if i did want to go to grad school and do research, this is what i would research.) so i want to do a couple posts about this and to get it all kicked off, i'm thinking you could read my research proposal. keep in mind that it's not perfect and that i haven't ever run research or used stats to analyze real data. so if it's all flawed, deal with it.
get ready for some sex talk. next week i'm gonna talk about two different books i read before getting married, one from the '60s and the other is the book in the picture, i heart female orgasm.
come on, who doesn't love talking about sex?!
no, i'm not going to talk about my own sex life. unless you have a question about something and then feel free, as always, to email me. i'm not embarrassed to talk about sex things. if you want to have orgasms and you just don't, i would love to talk to you about it.
creepy? nah, just direct and open.
enjoy!

Research Proposal for Psych 3010

Collette Charles (collette.charles7@gmail.com)

28 January 2012

Working Title of Proposed Research

Female Genital Labeling Correlates with Low Female Sexual Satisfaction and Orgasm.

How the idea developed & Objectives

            As a young girl, I was never taught what to call my female reproductive organs. I was aware of being different from my brothers, and even knew the word, ‘penis.’ I knew I had ‘privates,’ and thought of them as almost a lack of having a penis. Growing up, I participated in my public school’s Sex Education, where I learned about fallopian tubes, the ovaries, and of course, the vagina. But it wasn’t until I was preparing for marriage, and sexual intercourse, that I discovered the word, ‘clitoris’ and what it was. In my twenty two years of experience I had been unaware of a female sex organ, which I possessed, whose sole function is to provide sexual pleasure. It would be preposterous to think of a man who was unaware of his own sexual organs.  I began to wonder if other women were also unaware, and how gender sex scripts would be different if parents taught their daughters the clinical terms for their reproductive organs and if Sex Education Programs included the clitoris in their presentations. If women were educated about their sex organs and clitoris, would more women enjoy their sex lives, feel more dominant during intercourse, and experience orgasms? To investigate, I began reading the current research on this topic.

Hypothesis and Predictions

            Several scholarly articles, cited below, were of aid in supporting my hypothesis. Research shows that it is important for females to be instructed in early bodily knowledge to support sexual health and also that mothers are more likely to use vague terms such as ‘privates’ when teaching their daughters about their genitals (Martin et al.). There is also research showing that when mothers talk to their daughters about sex-related topics, they are more likely to discuss reproduction, romance, and morality issues, but not the topics pertaining to sexual pleasure (Martin et al.).  In a study conducted in the Czech Republic, women who were told in childhood and adolescence that the vagina was the organ important for orgasm were more likely to experience vaginal orgasm, suggesting that education about the female body influences her experience with sexual intercourse (Brody et al.). With the support of past research, my hypothesis predicts that vague genital labeling and incomplete education about female sex organs correlates with low female orgasm rates and women who are ill-prepared for a healthy, pleasurable sex life.

Proposed Method

My design will require a sample of participants who are female, heterosexual, sexually active, and age 18+. They will be invited to take a survey consisting of questions ranging from early sexual education, genital labeling, parental attitudes concerning sexual intimacy, orgasm frequency, and overall satisfaction with sexual experiences. The participants will be unaware of the hypothesis while taking the survey. The goal of the survey is to find a correlation between genital labeling and incomplete sex education and low satisfaction with sexual experience and orgasm.

Ethical Considerations

Due to the sensitive nature of my hypothesis, I will be keeping the participant names anonymous, something I think will encourage honesty in the participants. The participants will be told their survey is anonymous before taking it and will be debriefed afterwards, making sure they leave with complete knowledge of what we were looking for.    

Proposed Data Analysis

I plan to find a correlation between genital labeling and incomplete sexual education and low sexual satisfaction and orgasms. With the correlation, I will use the coefficient, r, to represent the measure of degree between genital labeling and low sexual satisfaction. I will use a scatter plot to demonstrate linear correlation between the two variables.

Preliminary List of References

Brody. (2011) Vaginal orgasm is associated with vaginal (not clitoral) sex education,  focusing mental attention on vaginal sensations, intercourse duration, and a preference for a longer penis. Retrieved January 26, 2012 from Academic Search Premier.

Martin, K., Veduzco, B.L., Torres, J., & Luke, K. (2011). Privates, pee-pees, and coochies: Gender and genital labeling for/with young children. Feminism & Psychology. Retrieved January 26, 2012, from Academic Search Premier (A64079949).

Martin, K., & Luke, Katherine. (2010). Gender differences in the ABC’s of the birds and the bees: What mothers teach young children about sexuality and reproduction. Sex Roles. Retrieved January 26, 2012, from Academic Search Premier (A48746743).

the luckiest

last night i heard a song i hadn't heard in years. and it just hit me so hard. you know when you hear a song you haven't heard in a long time and it makes you remember the last time you heard it?
the last time i heard that song, i was in a sad place. i just knew i would always be alone, that i would never find someone who would make me understand this song from a lover's point of view. i wanted to be the luckiest and feared i never would. i can remembering listening to this song on repeat late at night, over and over and over, and sobbing. i was missing alex, who was on his mission, and feeling convinced that i would never find real love.

i heard it last night in travis's sister's car. travis and i were sitting in the backseat together. it was dark, and the music was loud. all those emotions i felt the last time i heard it came flooding back, but they were accompanied by an overwhelming feeling of safety, gratitude, and love for travis. for such a long time i was convinced i would always be alone and never find someone who can handle my crazy, my stubbornness, my flaws, fears, self criticizing doubts, just everything. sometimes it hits me and almost literally takes my breath away, he loves me. 

then the song came to the last verse, about the old man who dies and then the wife goes too, and i lost it. sitting in the backseat of the car, and even now as i listen to it while writing this, i cry. i think about my grandpa who is sick with cancer and his wife being all alone if he dies, wandering around their big, empty house. i think about travis and i growing old, and how terrifying it is to love someone and take that risk, the risk of losing. i think about how our life together has just begun, how young we are, and how far we have left to travel together.

if you are currently alone and afraid, i know how awful that is. i know what it is to feel alone in a crowded, dirty, apartment. you watch everyone else find love and you feel left behind. it won't always be that way for you. maybe in a few years you will hear this song again and cry just as i did, in thankfulness.

 i'm so grateful for my life and that i have a person who shares it with me. when i remember just a few months ago, when i was so low, and compare it to now, it's just amazing.

a few weeks ago, i was treated unfairly by a family member. i was complaining to travis how unfair it was and he made an excuse for that family member, a valid, solid excuse. but that morning, i had gone to counseling and relived a particularly painful memory. i described to my counselor the first time he had assaulted me and how i can't remember exactly what happened, but that i can so clearly remember walking home from his house. even now, it's hard to say this. i remember walking home alone, in the early spring weather. it was about four thirty in the afternoon. i stood looking at my house from across the street, thinking my mom would wonder where i had been, that she would be preparing dinner soon, and that i had a soccer game later that night. i vividly remember thinking to myself, well, what happened, happened, and i'm done thinking about it. and then walking into my front door, like i had always done, except that i wasn't the same person anymore.

since then, anytime i have remembered that 14 year old girl, i have felt contempt, shame, guilt, anger at her for being so stupid, and self hatred. in counseling as i described this memory, i felt those things. i felt that my counselor probably also thought those things about that girl who let a boy use her and didn't stand up for herself. even though i can remember fighting back. for so long i felt i hadn't fought hard enough. and now, i'm a person who stands up for herself, so it's difficult to remember being a person who didn't have a voice. for so long, i have hated that 14 year old girl.

my counselor has been sending me home with reading materials about different ways to think about trauma, how you can approach those terrible thoughts with curiosity, acceptance, and patience, instead of shame, fear, and anger. and as i listened to travis make those valid excuses for the family member who hurt my feelings, i thought, no one ever made those excuses for me. i never made those kinds of excuses for me. all i ever did was hate that helpless girl. i never looked at her and said, "it's ok. you didn't know how to handle it. how could you have ever known what to do? it wasn't your fault and you are part of who i am and i love you."

and then something incredible happened.  i wept for her, that helpless, scared, junior high girl who didn't understand how a boy could take something without asking. that girl who just wanted to be liked, to be thought pretty. it wasn't her fault. it wasn't my fault. 


i grabbed onto travis and just wept into his shoulder. he knew why i was crying and he let me cling to him, something i had never done before, preferring to either hold it in or battle it out in private where no one could see my weakness. it's terrifying to let someone in, to let someone see you at your lowest. i truly am the luckiest. 

i don't hate her anymore. i am learning to look at her with sympathy and kindness, instead of cold indifference. it's the start of something. and i am so thankful for that.

date night

friday. date night. where should we go? oh okay, zupas it is. he drives, she wears red sweatpants and a ponytail, cause they've been married awhile and she has clearly let herself go. they still hold hands, though, and tease each other while waiting in line. then the wife notices that she knows the guy in line just ahead of them. "look travis, we had class last semester! we were friends!" she decides to surprise the guy by pretending to be very angry. "excuse me," she growls, "could you move it along please? some of us are hungry." then she stares him down to his soul, waiting for that spark of recognition once he remembers her.

he's confused. and the wife realizes that maybe she isn't as memorable as she thinks.

"oh um, sorry i'll hurry." the guy from class stutters. he doesn't remember the four months of sitting near each other, describing his girlfriend to her, the ring he has made for her, hearing about her husband, and so forth. the wife is embarrassed to the core.

"don't you remember me!? from your class?" she shrieks. he looks nervous that she might make a sudden move. meanwhile his girlfriend stares the wife down, get up off my man, beezy! she thinks. the wife feels even more awkward and says, "oh you must be the girlfriend! i have heard so much about you!" then mumbles to the guy, "did you propose yet?" to which he looks horrified that the girlfriend will overhear and shakes his head, no.

then the people in line behind are impatient and the guy and the girlfriend have paid and left.

the husband shakes his head at the wife and wonders aloud, "why does this always seem to happen with you?" but he is smiling at her.

house of dreams

so, house shopping.

is WAY better than house selling.
although, until march 1, when we actually close, i will have a pit in my stomach every day from worrying that all this house shopping is for nothing and that the buyers don't really want our house.
we have already had our hearts broken over a house we couldn't have. we were all set on reserving a lot and building, but then our credit score was a teesny bit under what we needed for a conventional loan, and the payments with an FHA loan were too high, so peace out beautiful brand new house i had already gotten attached too. so house shopping is still scary.
we made our first official offer on this guy:

i know, she's a beaut. and is apparently both male and female. i probably shouldn't be posting pictures of other people's homes online... so the problem here is that this house is a short sale, and thus, a bit of a long shot. but you can't help who you fall in love with RIIIIIIEEEEEEGHT? sigh. this house is the kind of house i could picture the pitter patter of little feet peeking around the stairs to see the tree on christmas morning, sitting in a swing on the front porch with my guitar in the evenings, backyard barbeques with family, and you get the picture.

you know, what's terrible about house buying, is that you have to be attached enough to the house that you would pay hundreds of thousands of dollars and want to live in it for 30+ years, but still not get too attached in case it doesn't work out. WTH am i supposed to do that!?!?!

plus, how weird is it to walk through and touch all those stranger's stuffs? these guys have an EXCELLENT collection of hard liquor on their counter. i feel like that lends laid back vibes to the house.well either that or alcoholic vibes.
anyway. i'm sure i'll let you know how it all goes. we're still hunting, so if you find anything good in daybreak, let me know.
peace. 

1 1/2 years ago ta'day

just bein' a newlywed, counting by six month increments. 

although travis made a good point,

"in celebrity standards, we've been married a lifetime!" 

 we played basketball this morning at the gym.

he taught me how to square my body to the basket. 

i almost beat him! 

he insists he wasn't going easy on me, but i know better. 

life is good. 

also, didn't travis totally nail my ring!
i feel like our rings are so, us.
travis is strong, steady, down to earth, sturdy.
i'm flamboyant, showy, and over the top...
(fun though.)
it's a good combo yes?