sonreir

valentine's.

2012-02-14T23:53:00.000-07:00

today was probably the best valentine's day i have ever had.
i woke up early and it felt like christmas, because i had a surprise for travis sitting out on the table, just waiting for him to wake up and be surprised.

yeah, travis was nominated for the husband of the year award by the american committee of husbandry. sorry ladies, maybe yours will take next year! just a basket full of treats, a cd, a candy mustache (because travis keeps sneakily trying to grow out his 'stache and i'm trying my damndest to discourage it.) and something red and lacy.

it's a handkerchief, guys. jeeze, pervs.
jk.

so after i ~~dragged him out of bed~~ woke him up nicely to see his present, we headed out to breakfast.
please, please if you live in murray and want to go out to breakfast, don't go to IHOP. instead, head over to the tea rose diner for either american or thai breakfast. or lunch or dinner for that matter. could go on and on about the curries. best thai food (in utah) i have ever had.

yeah, it's a dive. the owner is from thailand and she is quite the character. they also have a challenge that if you can eat a dish with their #10 spice level, you get your picture on the wall. but beware, you have to sign a waver and take antacids before and after you eat. anyway, this is why you should come here to eat:

don't worry, travis's french toast came with sausage, eggs, and hash browns, too. but seriously, those pancakes...

after breakfast, we watched some storage wars, decided i should skip my first class, and then headed to the gym to play some basketball. not sure if i have ever revealed this, but travis is quite a ball player (like last week when he was playing with some random guys and they called him lebron james, yeah he was pretty proud) and he's also a great coach. he always beats me, but he's pretty gracious about it. then we came home and celebrated our love... in a very loving, adult, and delightful way.

then i had my research methods class i can't miss, so i headed up to the U for three hours. the worst part about a night class is the 45 minute train ride home, but i'm sure you can guess who was waiting outside my class with flowers and a big kiss. (and the car, obvi.)

travis was shivering when he handed them to me. he hadn't wanted to turn on the heater because he was afraid it would wilt my flowers, so he drove all the way in the cold. pretty adorable. oh and as we were driving back, he popped the in new ingrid michaelson cd for me. seriously, travis is the husband of the year.

love them.

"i asked for peonies, but they aren't in season."

-travis r. bodtcher, HOTY.

(husband of the year.)

so then when we got home from class at 10pm, naturally, i wanted to take a few pictures with the two of us. travis was a pretty good sport about it. also, he was wearing a hat. so enjoy that hair of his. it was the best we could do with low lighting and 10pm smiles.

man candy

2012-02-13T10:07:00.001-07:00

remember that time my blog turned into a photography blog?

yesterday travis was about to shave his beard off, (he never gets to grow a beard because firemen can't have beards. but because we went up to wyoming and worked, he didn't go to the station and thus had a longer amount of time to grow said beard.) and i yelled, "wait!!!" and then forced him to take a few pictures. because his scruff just does it for me. oh gross...

i know i keep saying this, but i didn't know it was possible to love someone as much as a love travis. i'm embarrassed to admit this, but on saturday night, we went to the new rachel mcadams movie, the vow. i know right? so lame.

*spoiler alert* so in the movie, this couple gets in a car accident and the wife loses her memory of their marriage. and then the husband tries to help her fall back in love with him. soooo corny. this movie affected travis and i in completely different ways. for me, i watched the cheese fest of love and cried. not during the sad parts, but during the happy parts. because whenever i used to watch sappy, unrealistic "chick flicks" i would be so depressed and so cynical, thinking, this could never happen. and it will never happen for me. this time, as i watched this fictional couple interact with such ridiculous cuteness, i could totally relate. it was like, that looks familiar. i have that. and i cried. during the vow. groan.

so then after the movie, i asked travis what he thought of it.
"that movie made me super angry!" he exclaimed.
"angry? how could that sappy movie make you angry?" i was a little surprised.
"i could have killed him." travis said simply.
"what?? killed who??"
"that ex boyfriend! i can't believe he told the husband he would sleep with his wife. i wouldn't have just punched that guy; i would have killed him."

the ex boyfriend plays, i thought, i pretty minimal role in that movie. but that just bothered travis so much. the entire movie bothered him. as he said, "if you lost your memory in a car accident, i would try harder than that guy to help you get it back. he just gave up. i wouldn't give up."
swoon.
travis isn't a jealous husband and he wasn't a jealous boyfriend. i have a best friend who is a guy and we hang out all the time, just the two of us. travis is 100% good with it. so hearing his reaction to that movie was a pretty sweet moment for me. (not that i ever wanted travis to be a jealous partner, but it is nice to hear how protective he could be.)
plus, travis's naked bum, is so much nicer than channing tatums's bare backside. but then, channing tatum is just not my type. i'm obviously more into psychology professors who look like patrick dempsey. by the by, travis read that post and was like, oh a crush on your teacher huh? oops.
sorry for the sappiness; couldn't help myself.

good genes

2012-02-12T20:32:00.004-07:00

can i just say.

i may be biased, but my family is beautiful. we are missing my brother reed, who is on his mission. we wanted to take official family pictures today, but then it did this outside:

so we had to make do with my parents' living room.
overall a good day though. love sundays with family, church, and chain-watching chopped all afternoon eating kettle corn.
uhhhg, back to another week of school. three more months, three more months.

also, i really do want to take you or your family's picture, as soon as the weather lets us go outside.
so let me know.

the slc baby

2012-02-11T17:03:00.000-07:00

three posts in a day. i must be procrastinating homework. travis is doing taxes and i am supposed to be watching a video lecture for my abnormal psych class.

earlier today we went downtown and i snapped a few photos. seriously, loving my camera and starting to feel less like a poser, especially since i learned the correct way to hold it. plus the thermometer in my car said it was 57 degrees downtown. um yes please.

i love this town. moving back to salt lake after living in hawaii was kind of a let down. but there are still plenty of reasons to enjoy living in the salt lake valley. in a ten minute drive i can be downtown, mountain biking up millcreek canyon, hiking, or snowboarding, (fine, that's like a 30 minute drive and i don't snowboard anymore). there are also several good lakes for boating. okay, there's no ocean, but if i have to live somewhere inland, this isn't the bottom of the list.

adult child brides.

2012-02-11T12:52:00.000-07:00

yesterday while travis and i were cooking dinner, the doorbell rang. we looked at each other in shock, because the entire year and a half we have lived in this house, our doorbell has probably only rang 10 times. most people who come over use the side door, and most of our neighbors, bless their hearts, are old enough to go to bed by 7. and they never come over.

since travie's hands were full of spatula and chicken, i answered the door, nervously checking through the window before turning the handle. a young man, looking to be somewhere between eighteen and twenty five stood on the porch.
"hi, is that your car-" he started, looking behind me into the house.
"um?" i replied. "the car?"
"are your parents home?" he asked, still craning his neck to see behind me into the kitchen.
i stared at him.
"i am an adult. this is my house. that is my car." i stated. like a robot.
he apologized and then tried to sell me something, but i cut him off mid sentence and sent him on his way.

are my parents home. are my parents home!? good hell, i was wearing makeup! i know i look like a 14 year old without it, but i had some dark eye shadow going on.
maybe this is why i have a hard time feeling like an adult, who is old enough to be married, graduating from college, and selling her house.

earlier in the week, i was doing some grocery shopping at the sunflower market. i wanted to enter my name into a drawing for a hundred dollar gift card. the man at the booth looked at me with kind eyes, "honey, are you at least eighteen?"

then a few weeks ago at counseling, i had to give the ladies at the front desk permission for travis to get an email from my counselor. you know, HIPAA and all that.
"hi, i need to give you the slip so my husband can see the information my counselor wants to email him."
they looked at each other. one said, "so you really are old enough to have a husband?"
i looked from face to face. "how old do you think i am?"
a grey haired woman said, "well, if you told us you were fifteen, we would believe you."

whelp, i'm a child bride, actually.
but here's the kicker. i have started to find gray hairs on my head. i'm twenty three. gray. hairs. i have probably found five of them. what good are my baby face and smooth skin going to be if i have gone gray by thirty??

pretty funny right?

wining and dining

2012-02-11T09:37:00.001-07:00

travis came home early from wyoming. and we partied like rockstars.

we hit the good stuff hard on friday nights.

in the wine glasses i found at the DI for a buck.

and then ish gets a little crazy

trav cooked his signature meal for me

chicken fettuccine alfredo

but this time i experimented with the sauce

and then he described to me his mustache plans for next week.

also, our kitchen is pretty dark, like the lighting is terrible, so the pictures of our food, look pretty disgusting. i promise in real life, it was delicious. and no, i didn't take pictures of each step of each dish to walk you through making it. but i will leave you with the recipe for the sauce, which is gluten/butter/heavy cream free and also delicious. and easy.

roughly a cup of low fat cream cheese
some milk... we used skim
a butt ton of fresh parmesan and mozzarella cheese
a few cloves of finely sliced garlic
salt, pepper, onion, parsley

i think that was it for ingredients. you add everything together in a bowl and mix and then throw it on the stove with the chicken. it seemed to thicken just fine after cooling.
enjoy!

creepin' on professor dempsey

2012-02-07T23:27:00.000-07:00

feeling super creep right now.
for the story i want to tell, i needed a picture of one of my professors. he doesn't have one on the university page, so naturally, i google imaged him and there was one picture.

i have become that person who stays up late searching the intarwebs for pictures of her professors. when did this become my life??

here's the story. i am taking research methods from an outstanding teacher. he makes learning fun, he's enthusiastic, he told us to think of him as a "human professor" instead of those gradspeak robots who teach psych classes. he remembers our names and really tries hard. he even admitted that sometimes he gets nervous lecturing. and he remembered that i jokingly suggested doughnuts would help us stay awake (class is from 6-9pm) and he brought some today!

oh and he looks like patrick dempsey.

which never hurts.

it's not the best picture of my professor, and he doesn't have a goatee anymore, but do you see what i mean a little bit?

(remember, i'm kind of obsessed with (shame) grey's anatomy.plus, his mannerisms, crinkly eye smile, and laugh are similar too!)

today, we were all sitting there waiting for class to start. our teacher comes in and is setting up. he shows off the doughnuts. we all laugh. it's looking to be a great class. then i open my mouth.
"you know, professor ______, you have a celebrity look alike!" i blurt.
"oh really?" he says, "who?"
pause. "well, do you ever watch greys's anatomy?" and my voice gets quiet and embarrassed. the class listens intently. "he's the neurosurgeon, and you teach psychology, so it's even better!"
then one of the red headed Armenian twins speaks up. don't worry, the red hair is dyed. "wait, isn't he the one they call 'mcdreamy'?!" then the other twin joins in, "yeah! mcdreamy! you know, the hot one!"
at this point our professor is looking pretty red. "uhhh..."
i have already looked up a picture on my phone of mcdreamy and am showing it to my classmates. then i realize, i've basically just told my professor i think he's mcdreamy...
i shrink in my chair. "okay, i didn't mean for that to be so ...inappropriate!!" i call out. the class is nervously laughing. our professor is looking at me now, saying, "i dunno, this just seems a little inappropriate..." he's laughing. of course i keep awkwardly apologizing and saying, "forget i said anything! i didn't mean anything! he's just a good actor..." WTH? WHY WHY WHY?? WHY DOESN'T ANYONE EVER TAPE MY MOUTH SHUT???

ok then there's the situation a few weeks ago with my father in law.
i love my father in law. but can i just tell you that he is the most stubborn person on earth. no really, think of the most stubborn person you know and then multiply it by 10. i don't really want to go into the whole story, but basically, he knows how to poke the sleeping bear. me being the sleeping bear. two weeks ago, i got so angry at him, i walked over to the sink, filled a cup with water, walked back to him, and dumped it into his lap. i basically supersoaked my father in law. oh and i swore at him, too, said "shit" in a sentence to him. and then i filled a bucket with water and was going to pour that on him too and travis had to pry it out of my hands.
and then travis asked his dad if he had wet his pants.

yeah, it's out of control.
i know i should just keep my mouth shut, or not react when someone is trying to get a rise out of me, but it's like in that moment, i just forget.
you guys do that, too, right?

love notes and gap teeth

2012-02-07T11:41:00.002-07:00

travis is in wyoming for the week, installing cabinets with his uncle for some dollar bills. he was pretty sad the night before he left, being extra clingy and refusing to be in separate rooms. we aren't one of those couples who refuse to pee in front of each other. they're just bodies right?

also, he doesn't ever want me to post the dates of when he's gone because he says it's not safe... uhhh how is that supposed to make me feel?? like i have to be on guard for a break in and attack the entire time he's gone if i post that he's gone because someone will take advantage of him being gone?? breathe.
i guess in his line of work, this paranoia is to be expected.

when i got up yesterday morning, he had left this note for me.

pretty darling. i hate spending money. like i had been wearing the same pair of contacts for two months because i didn't want to shell out 50 bucks (for 6 months worth... i'm not wearing supersonic contacts or anything...). also, i have been dying to dye my hair (punny right?) forever but feel guilty spending money on something so frivolous. travis is all about spoiling me, even though we don't have gobs of cash laying around. also, he is always telling me how proud of me he is, for being in school and working so hard. ah travis, my blog is turning into your shrine...

in other news, i have a huge test today for my sensation and perception class. it's the first test of the semester, so there's all that anxiety about the unknown. will he be a tough grader? will his questions be tricky? i have been studying my brains out, so we'll see.

oh and something else, something funny. this is what i looked like when i was ten years old. my mom dragged this beauty out of the archives last saturday.

pretty attractive amirite? oh i hated how i looked!! i still feel a little embarrassed looking at this picture, and i can vividly remember my some of my classmates being pretty awful about it. like the time i found a book one of the more popular girls made under a desk. kinda reminiscent of the burn book from mean girls. my name was in it, next to the words ugliest girl in the class. seriously, can we teach our children to be nice to each other?? grade school kids can be pretty cruel yes? i'm sure we all have a story like this repressed somewhere in our brains. well, after my initial glance at this picture feeling pretty ashamed and embarrassed, i remembered my new mantra of self love. and i decided to give her the chance she wished her peers would have. i love that gap toothed, coke bottle glasses, terrible haircut ten year old. i hope you love yours, too.

so the sex post is coming. i have two tests, a quiz, and a paper due on top of lectures and textbook readings. so this week is a little nuts. but you know how it gets when travis is gone... me up until 2am blogging about how much i miss the ocean... can you imagine if i was a drinker?? just be grateful you'll never have to know how sappy i could get.

oh and another thing. if you need something great to listen to, check this out. and everything else they do. they do solo stuff and collaborative as well. they are one of those amazing powercouples who play music together. (thanks benny shell for introducing me.)

have a wonderful self loving tuesday. xo

a few scenic photos

2012-02-05T23:59:00.000-07:00

so while the superbowl was going on, i felt like my time could be better spent outside taking some pichas.
these were taken in Bluffdale, Utah at my sister in law's.
i have never enjoyed utah winters, and a good portion of january and february are just dull and grey. i have been trying to be more positive this year and find some beauty in the cold.

superbowling

2012-02-05T23:44:00.002-07:00

today was america's most cherished, eagerly awaited holiday. tears would be shed, oaths would be made, and celebrations would abound.
i hope you read that with as much sarcasm as i wrote it with.
i think the NFL is ridiculous.
i find it pathetic that americans place so much importance and spend so much money to watch overly inflated egos knock each other around.
sorry, i know that's super lame, not to mention hypocritical, considering i love the Utah Jazz.
and stepping down off of soapbox.
whatev.
anyway, i had a good time hangin' out with trav's family, eating kettle korn and drinking ginger ale, and enjoying madonna's half time show. seriously madonna, you are immortal. (and why is it that all superbowl half time shows are so terrible???? you'd think that with all that money and attention at stake, they could do a better job?)

uh, love the braindead stare that football watching always creates.
made it through another season of constant football, phew!
now maybe i'll be travis's favorite thing again... (oh sad!! just a joke?)
hope your superbowls were ...super...
groaning. xo

sex talk.

2012-02-05T00:27:00.002-07:00

ok. so if you're my facebook friend, you may have noticed this picture i posted last week:

so i was writing my research proposal with the aid of these books. i basically have to pretend to do research and go through all the writing that comes with it for one of my classes. i figured it i have to write a huge paper about fake research, i might as well do it on something i am passionate about: sex, wormen, orgasm, and bodies. you know, in the context of our culture. (if i did want to go to grad school and do research, this is what i would research.) so i want to do a couple posts about this and to get it all kicked off, i'm thinking you could read my research proposal. keep in mind that it's not perfect and that i haven't ever run research or used stats to analyze real data. so if it's all flawed, deal with it.
get ready for some sex talk. next week i'm gonna talk about two different books i read before getting married, one from the '60s and the other is the book in the picture, i heart female orgasm.
come on, who doesn't love talking about sex?!
no, i'm not going to talk about my own sex life. unless you have a question about something and then feel free, as always, to email me. i'm not embarrassed to talk about sex things. if you want to have orgasms and you just don't, i would love to talk to you about it.
creepy? nah, just direct and open.
enjoy!

Research Proposal forPsych 3010

Collette Charles (collette.charles7@gmail.com)

28 January 2012

WorkingTitle of Proposed Research

Female Genital Labeling Correlateswith Low Female Sexual Satisfaction and Orgasm.

Howthe idea developed & Objectives

Asa young girl, I was never taught what to call my female reproductive organs. Iwas aware of being different from my brothers, and even knew the word, ‘penis.’I knew I had ‘privates,’ and thought of them as almost a lack of having apenis. Growing up, I participated in my public school’s Sex Education, where Ilearned about fallopian tubes, the ovaries, and of course, the vagina. But itwasn’t until I was preparing for marriage, and sexual intercourse, that Idiscovered the word, ‘clitoris’ and what it was. In my twenty two years ofexperience I had been unaware of a female sex organ, which I possessed, whosesole function is to provide sexual pleasure. It would be preposterous to thinkof a man who was unaware of his own sexual organs. I began to wonder if other women were alsounaware, and how gender sex scripts would be different if parents taught theirdaughters the clinical terms for their reproductive organs and if Sex EducationPrograms included the clitoris in their presentations. If women were educatedabout their sex organs and clitoris, would more women enjoy their sex lives,feel more dominant during intercourse, and experience orgasms? To investigate,I began reading the current research on this topic.

Hypothesisand Predictions

Severalscholarly articles, cited below, were of aid in supporting my hypothesis.Research shows that it is important for females to be instructed in earlybodily knowledge to support sexual health and also that mothers are more likelyto use vague terms such as ‘privates’ when teaching their daughters about theirgenitals (Martin et al.). There is also research showing that when mothers talkto their daughters about sex-related topics, they are more likely to discussreproduction, romance, and morality issues, but not the topics pertaining tosexual pleasure (Martin et al.). In astudy conducted in the Czech Republic,women who were told in childhood and adolescence that the vagina was the organimportant for orgasm were more likely to experience vaginal orgasm, suggestingthat education about the female body influences her experience with sexualintercourse (Brody et al.). With the support of past research, my hypothesispredicts that vague genital labeling and incomplete education about female sexorgans correlates with low female orgasm rates and women who are ill-preparedfor a healthy, pleasurable sex life.

ProposedMethod

My design will require a sample ofparticipants who are female, heterosexual, sexually active, and age 18+. Theywill be invited to take a survey consisting of questions ranging from earlysexual education, genital labeling, parental attitudes concerning sexualintimacy, orgasm frequency, and overall satisfaction with sexual experiences. Theparticipants will be unaware of the hypothesis while taking the survey. Thegoal of the survey is to find a correlation between genital labeling andincomplete sex education and low satisfaction with sexual experience andorgasm.

EthicalConsiderations

Due to the sensitive nature of myhypothesis, I will be keeping the participant names anonymous, something Ithink will encourage honesty in the participants. The participants will be toldtheir survey is anonymous before taking it and will be debriefed afterwards,making sure they leave with complete knowledge of what we were looking for.

ProposedData Analysis

I plan to find a correlationbetween genital labeling and incomplete sexual education and low sexualsatisfaction and orgasms. With the correlation, I will use the coefficient, r,to represent the measure of degree between genital labeling and low sexualsatisfaction. I will use a scatter plot to demonstrate linear correlationbetween the two variables.

PreliminaryList of References

Brody.(2011) Vaginal orgasm is associated with vaginal (not clitoral) sexeducation, focusingmental attention on vaginal sensations, intercourse duration, and a preferencefor a longer penis. Retrieved January 26, 2012 from Academic Search Premier.

Martin,K., Veduzco, B.L., Torres, J., & Luke, K. (2011). Privates, pee-pees, and coochies: Gender and genital labelingfor/with young children. Feminism &Psychology. Retrieved January 26, 2012, from Academic Search Premier (A64079949).

Martin,K., & Luke, Katherine. (2010). Gender differences in the ABC’s of the birdsand the bees: What mothers teach young children about sexuality andreproduction. Sex Roles. Retrieved January 26, 2012, from AcademicSearch Premier (A48746743).

the luckiest

2012-02-02T09:56:00.000-07:00

last night i heard a song i hadn't heard in years. and it just hit me so hard. you know when you hear a song you haven't heard in a long time and it makes you remember the last time you heard it?
the last time i heard that song, i was in a sad place. i just knew i would always be alone, that i would never find someone who would make me understand this song from a lover's point of view. i wanted to be the luckiest and feared i never would. i can remembering listening to this song on repeat late at night, over and over and over, and sobbing. i was missing alex, who was on his mission, and feeling convinced that i would never find real love.

i heard it last night in travis's sister's car. travis and i were sitting in the backseat together. it was dark, and the music was loud. all those emotions i felt the last time i heard it came flooding back, but they were accompanied by an overwhelming feeling of safety, gratitude, and love for travis. for such a long time i was convinced i would always be alone and never find someone who can handle my crazy, my stubbornness, my flaws, fears, self criticizing doubts, just everything. sometimes it hits me and almost literally takes my breath away, he loves me.

then the song came to the last verse, about the old man who dies and then the wife goes too, and i lost it. sitting in the backseat of the car, and even now as i listen to it while writing this, i cry. i think about my grandpa who is sick with cancer and his wife being all alone if he dies, wandering around their big, empty house. i think about travis and i growing old, and how terrifying it is to love someone and take that risk, the risk of losing. i think about how our life together has just begun, how young we are, and how far we have left to travel together.

if you are currently alone and afraid, i know how awful that is. i know what it is to feel alone in a crowded, dirty, apartment. you watch everyone else find love and you feel left behind. it won't always be that way for you. maybe in a few years you will hear this song again and cry just as i did, in thankfulness.

i'm so grateful for my life and that i have a person who shares it with me. when i remember just a few months ago, when i was so low, and compare it to now, it's just amazing.

a few weeks ago, i was treated unfairly by a family member. i was complaining to travis how unfair it was and he made an excuse for that family member, a valid, solid excuse. but that morning, i had gone to counseling and relived a particularly painful memory. i described to my counselor the first time he had assaulted me and how i can't remember exactly what happened, but that i can so clearly remember walking home from his house. even now, it's hard to say this. i remember walking home alone, in the early spring weather. it was about four thirty in the afternoon. i stood looking at my house from across the street, thinking my mom would wonder where i had been, that she would be preparing dinner soon, and that i had a soccer game later that night. i vividly remember thinking to myself, well, what happened, happened, and i'm done thinking about it. and then walking into my front door, like i had always done, except that i wasn't the same person anymore.

since then, anytime i have remembered that 14 year old girl, i have felt contempt, shame, guilt, anger at her for being so stupid, and self hatred. in counseling as i described this memory, i felt those things. i felt that my counselor probably also thought those things about that girl who let a boy use her and didn't stand up for herself. even though i can remember fighting back. for so long i felt i hadn't fought hard enough. and now, i'm a person who stands up for herself, so it's difficult to remember being a person who didn't have a voice. for so long, i have hated that 14 year old girl.

my counselor has been sending me home with reading materials about different ways to think about trauma, how you can approach those terrible thoughts with curiosity, acceptance, and patience, instead of shame, fear, and anger. and as i listened to travis make those valid excuses for the family member who hurt my feelings, i thought, no one ever made those excuses for me. i never made those kinds of excuses for me. all i ever did was hate that helpless girl. i never looked at her and said, "it's ok. you didn't know how to handle it. how could you have ever known what to do? it wasn't your fault and you are part of who i am and i love you."

and then something incredible happened. i wept for her, that helpless, scared, junior high girl who didn't understand how a boy could take something without asking. that girl who just wanted to be liked, to be thought pretty. it wasn't her fault. it wasn't my fault.

i grabbed onto travis and just wept into his shoulder. he knew why i was crying and he let me cling to him, something i had never done before, preferring to either hold it in or battle it out in private where no one could see my weakness. it's terrifying to let someone in, to let someone see you at your lowest. i truly am the luckiest.

i don't hate her anymore. i am learning to look at her with sympathy and kindness, instead of cold indifference. it's the start of something. and i am so thankful for that.

date night

2012-02-02T09:06:00.001-07:00

friday. date night. where should we go? oh okay, zupas it is. he drives, she wears red sweatpants and a ponytail, cause they've been married awhile and she has clearly let herself go. they still hold hands, though, and tease each other while waiting in line. then the wife notices that she knows the guy in line just ahead of them. "look travis, we had class last semester! we were friends!" she decides to surprise the guy by pretending to be very angry. "excuse me," she growls, "could you move it along please? some of us are hungry." then she stares him down to his soul, waiting for that spark of recognition once he remembers her.

he's confused. and the wife realizes that maybe she isn't as memorable as she thinks.

"oh um, sorry i'll hurry." the guy from class stutters. he doesn't remember the four months of sitting near each other, describing his girlfriend to her, the ring he has made for her, hearing about her husband, and so forth. the wife is embarrassed to the core.

"don't you remember me!? from your class?" she shrieks. he looks nervous that she might make a sudden move. meanwhile his girlfriend stares the wife down, get up off my man, beezy! she thinks. the wife feels even more awkward and says, "oh you must be the girlfriend! i have heard so much about you!" then mumbles to the guy, "did you propose yet?" to which he looks horrified that the girlfriend will overhear and shakes his head, no.

then the people in line behind are impatient and the guy and the girlfriend have paid and left.

the husband shakes his head at the wife and wonders aloud, "why does this always seem to happen with you?" but he is smiling at her.

house of dreams

2012-02-01T08:46:00.002-07:00

so, house shopping.

is WAY better than house selling.
although, until march 1, when we actually close, i will have a pit in my stomach every day from worrying that all this house shopping is for nothing and that the buyers don't really want our house.
we have already had our hearts broken over a house we couldn't have. we were all set on reserving a lot and building, but then our credit score was a teesny bit under what we needed for a conventional loan, and the payments with an FHA loan were too high, so peace out beautiful brand new house i had already gotten attached too. so house shopping is still scary.
we made our first official offer on this guy:

i know, she's a beaut. and is apparently both male and female. i probably shouldn't be posting pictures of other people's homes online... so the problem here is that this house is a short sale, and thus, a bit of a long shot. but you can't help who you fall in love with RIIIIIIEEEEEEGHT? sigh. this house is the kind of house i could picture the pitter patter of little feet peeking around the stairs to see the tree on christmas morning, sitting in a swing on the front porch with my guitar in the evenings, backyard barbeques with family, and you get the picture.

you know, what's terrible about house buying, is that you have to be attached enough to the house that you would pay hundreds of thousands of dollars and want to live in it for 30+ years, but still not get too attached in case it doesn't work out. WTH am i supposed to do that!?!?!

plus, how weird is it to walk through and touch all those stranger's stuffs? these guys have an EXCELLENT collection of hard liquor on their counter. i feel like that lends laid back vibes to the house.well either that or alcoholic vibes.
anyway. i'm sure i'll let you know how it all goes. we're still hunting, so if you find anything good in daybreak, let me know.
peace.

1 1/2 years ago ta'day

2012-01-31T11:09:00.003-07:00

just bein' a newlywed, counting by six month increments.

although travis made a good point,

"in celebrity standards, we've been married a lifetime!"

we played basketball this morning at the gym.

he taught me how to square my body to the basket.

i almost beat him!

he insists he wasn't going easy on me, but i know better.

life is good.

also, didn't travis totally nail my ring!
i feel like our rings are so, us.
travis is strong, steady, down to earth, sturdy.
i'm flamboyant, showy, and over the top...
(fun though.)
it's a good combo yes?

pretty pictures of a pretty girl

2012-01-23T23:13:00.000-07:00

i had a fantastic day- cleaned house- even scrubbed the shower, did laundry, homework, and ran three miles. but easily the best part of the day was when sara came over and we took those. ^ she brought duffel bags full of her amazing clothes and basically let me play dress up with her. i curled her hair, applied her makeup, and rearranged my living room a zillion times. and yes, i posted way too many. the girl is just so gorgeous!! and let me just tell you, she isn't wearing any foundation, blush, or powder. her skin, is all hers. so jealous.

more (if it's possible) husband boastings.

2012-01-23T00:30:00.000-07:00

i know i just posted, but lately i just cannot go to sleep unless travis is home. he isn't home tonight and i am glued to my computer. when travis is at work, the computer is kind of my companionship, whether it's through music, social networking, desperate housewives, or as i tried to watch today, lost. i know i'm late to the lost train, but seriously, i can't take that show seriously. not because i don't like the actors or plot, but because i used to live near to where they filmed it. so when i see them freaking out about being stranded on a strange island, i'm just thinking, "duh, just hitch a ride up to haleiwa eats and you'll be fine.

plus i'm pretty bitter that they all want off the island when i would do anything to be on the island.

anyway, i'm just missing travis and thought i would say a few things about him.

1. i can't remember if i've already said this, but travis refuses to ever say if he finds another woman attractive. yeah, i think i've already posted this. oh well. this week, i was badgering him about this really gorgeous girl on facebook. "isn't she so pretty?" i kept saying. "you're pretty." was all he would say. "i like you."

2. i had to go to the dermatologist last week to take my final accutane pregnancy test and while we were there, i had some moles checked out. the derm ended up taking a couple off of my back and face (just little red ones, and he did it FOR FREE because he is amazing like that.) well, it hurt A LOT. as we were driving home, i was looking at travis with the i need frozen yogurt eyes. he is well acquainted with them. he smiled at me and said, "you were so brave at the doctor, so i think we should get you a treat." true love.

3. going house shopping with travis is pretty funny. i'm fairly sure i know how he feels, but he won't say if he likes or doesn't like a certain house. i'll just badger him about it and he will just say, "it's okay." i know that six hours later, he will be pumped about the one i figured he liked. knowing a person this way comes in handy when you feel like being frustrated that they aren't being enthusiastic at the exact moment you want them to be.

4. listening to music with travis is not like listening with anyone else. he likes to change the words so that "collettiepoo" is the theme of every song. sometimes/mostimes, the song is a little dirty. good dirty, not gross dirty.

5. travis is kind of shy about being a fireman. when we go house shopping and the realtors ask him what he does, a lot of the time he just says, "i work for murray city." i'm the one who chimes in and informs them that he is a big, brave fireman, fighting fires and saving lives. pretty proud of him.

it's real love guys. still can't believe someone so great could love me the way he does.

sunday evening

2012-01-22T23:48:00.000-07:00

are you tired of boring pictures yet?

too bad.

i went to a class on exposure on saturday

and needed to doodle with "scary things"

like iso and aperture.

plus my family is cute, huh?

(missing reed who is on his mission and travis

who is at the fire station.)

enjoy my sunday evening

the way i remember it growing up.

being too young

2012-01-19T13:07:00.000-07:00

yesterday, travis picked me up from the gym and asked, "do you have an hour to spare?" since i love nothing more than procrastinating my homework, i agreed to go up to daybreak with him and take a peek at some homes for sale. we ended up spending three hours up there and found a house both of us are kind of obsessed with. and it's kind of terrifying! there are so many "what ifs" to worry about. like when our realtor called last night and both of us froze, not wanting to answer on the off chance that he's going to tell us the buyers backed out. or weren't pre-approved, or anything else awful. i finally answered.
"hey so the buyers want to come over tomorrow night at 7 to take some measurements and show their kids the house."
i agree to this and then hang up the phone.
"travis, what if they take the measurements and none of their stuff fits in our house and then they change their minds!? and what if they are bringing their kids over to see if they like it and then when they hate it they're going to back out!? what if we are stuck in the house for the rest of our lives!?"

obviously, i'm a little stressed. travis reassured me that they are excited. they just bought a house! they want to plan for it and show the kids their new home! they are feeling the excitement we were feeling while looking in daybreak. but i just want to call the buyers and ask them over and over to promise not to back out.
i'm just not old enough for all this. is that just how everyone feels for their entire lives?

mamma makes a pizza

2012-01-18T17:22:00.003-07:00

capital O

2012-01-17T22:13:00.000-07:00

in my research methods class:

professor: "ok class, tell us what sort of research in the field of psychology interests you most."
older man with silver hair: "i want to know about PTSD in war veterans."
short hair girl: "i am interested in why some people kill each other."
bearded flannel wearing hipster who already informed us about his experience being a research assistant: "well we are researching the effects of human error on #insert huge words and boring descriptions#."
me: "well i'm interested in gender and also in sexuality, specifically women and orgasm."
entire class: ..... turning around and staring .....
professor: "yeah, um, well you can never really have enough research on improving upon that, can you?"

damn straight.

an unlikely love story, part 1: the setup

2012-01-16T22:08:00.004-07:00

this is the story of how i met my husband, travis, and how we came to love each other. be prepared for Harlequin, steamy, romance and/or Mormon virgin lovers. i guess you'll just have to see for yourself...

this story probably really begins in 2004, the year i started high school at Murray High. i can still remember that first day of school, wearing my new red top that showed off my summer tan lines. i had spent an hour straightening my hair that morning. i had high hopes for high school to be different from middle school, hoped this might be the year i made friends and stepped out of my loner/shyness habits.

the new high school seemed enormous. three floors, brand spankin' new. the 12th graders seemed so old and i remembering feeling intimidated by gorgeous girls in short shorts, with deep tans and thick makeup, eyeliner and cheek bronzer that looked so effortless.
one such girl was the "TA" for my third period Biology class. she flirted with the teacher, who flirted right back, and all the boys in the class stared. this was the class where i would meet travis.

the first day of high school, seven years ago, and i can still remember the first time i saw those big blue eyes. of course, i had no idea then that someday i would marry him. i had a little baby crush on travis the first month of school, but he was painfully shy, so i moved on. i can remember doing labs, trying my darndest to get his attention. i called him "travis blue eyes," when talking about him to my friends, because i didn't know his last name yet.

we never dated and we weren't really part of the same group of friends, although we were in the same group for senior ball. i actually have a picture of us sitting side by side in that hummer limo, each with our dates, completely oblivious to the fact that one day we would be a couple.
the only thing i really knew about travis in high school was that he had an old '68 mustang. he was fiercely proud of it and could always be found working in the autoshop.

high school mercifully passed and i hardly ever thought about travis bodtcher, the skinny, shy boy from biology class. i was dating alex hansen, which is a story all by itself, and didn't really think about anyone else. until one day, i was home from my first year of college at SUU, and i was working out at the Murray Rec Center. i was lifting weights in front of the mirror and noticed the Murray firemen were there working out, too. and travis was there with them. for the first time since i'd known him, travis walked over to me and started up a conversation. we talked about my college and his firefighting ambitions as a cadet, and i remembered thinking, he's cute, but i'm already dating a great guy. i did think about him from time to time during the following year, though.

we didn't speak again until the summer of 2008. i was about to move to hawaii for school. i was sort of dating a guy, mostly because my best friend was dating his best friend, and i was determined to break any ties i had before moving. alex hansen was on his mission and i was ready to break free and have an adventure.

it was a friday night, and my friend morgan and i had spent the evening planning my upcoming birthday party. all that planning had worked up our appetites, and we decided to make a McDonald's run. it had been almost a year since i'd eaten there, because i was trying to eat healthier. we stood in line and when it was our turn to order, i noticed travis bodtcher in the drive through. i waved at him and we started talking, or rather, yelling to each other through the kitchen. the line was building behind me and cars were honking for him to move, so he called, "i'll just come in there!" i turned to morgan and said, "why is he coming in here?" because we weren't ever really great friends.

travis came in and was wearing a work uniform of some kind. (he later told me that his uniform gave him the courage to come talk to me.) we told him about my birthday party and invited him to come. i really didn't think he would actually come, but he promised to stop by.

the day of my birthday party came and i wondered if travis bodtcher would actually show up. i had my hair cut and colored and paid extra attention to my outfit. the manboy i was dating threw a fit and left the party early, just in time for travis and his cousin to show up at my door. long story short, i somehow ended up on his lap and he asked me out. on a real date. not just a "oh hey let's hang out" but a real date where he would pick me up at seven.

i was pretty intrigued.

for reals? for reals.

2012-01-16T17:29:00.004-07:00

those buyers, you know, the ones who already verbally agreed to our contract? well my uncle, our realtor just called me, and they SIGNED the contract!!!!!

ok, before you start screaming and jumping up and down with joy-and by you i mean me,- just remember that we are not out of the woods just yet. there will be an inspection and appraisal, and these folks can back out any time they feel the need.

but they have already given notice to their landlord that they are moving, they want to continue to live in murray, and they accepted our counteroffer of full price and no fridge included. all these things lead me to believe that they do, in fact, want our house.

i'm sitting on my couch, unshowered, unwashed, and unbelieving, in orange sweat pants and trav's murray fire sweatshirt. bra less. i look like a homeless person, and in fact, i may soon be!!! i wandered around the house in a daze today, unable to complete the tasks i began and jumping from nervousness every time the phone rang because what if it's the realtor with news that they didn't sign!?

maybe now i can get some homework done.

the other night after they verbally accepted our counteroffer, i asked travis how he was doing.
"well, i'm homeless." he said. "it's pretty rough." which led to delighted giggles and a bit of kissing i'm sure.

holy mole, is this real life?

january happenings

2012-01-16T08:09:00.009-07:00

last week was crazy.
a lot of great things happened all at once. i'm going to bullet them out for your convenience.

school started. this semester is my final battle before finally scoring that pesky bachelor's degree. i am taking 13 credits, and my classes are extremely interesting. i have cognitive psych, sensation and perception, abnormal psych, and research methods. these are classes i don't really have any background knowledge in, and this freaks me out, mostly because i like to be the "smart" person in class. yeah, i'm that person. but it's also humbling and interesting to learn things that are completely new, yes? yes. even if it means glaring jealous daggers at the girl in sensation and perception who has gorgeous skin, cool tattoos, and rocks her hot, mulletish hair while answering every question our professor throws out. correctly. and then spouts comments that make him say this, every time, "oh how very interesting. i have never thought about it that way before." ahhh jealousy.

my mom found a job! my dad has been out of work for a few months now. he works with the stock market and the fund that he traded for shut down. so while he is working on building up business, my mom has renewed her teaching license and been job hunting, along with subbing, teaching music, and creating her own vocal school. (she is making bank from this.) she found a great job this week and i'm so proud of her.

umm, we may have sold out house. last thursday, some buyers made an offer, we countered at full price, and they have verbally accepted it. we are supposed to hear back today if they signed or not. i am terrified of getting excited too soon, but part of me can't help it. on pins and needles here, people.

my christmas present finally came! perfect timing too, since now i have school and homework to be working on. instead i have been waking up at the crack of dawn to go outside and learn how to use all the buttons on my camera. i've been having a good time and sometime in the near future will be starting a little business venture. let me know if you want me to practice on you or your family, fo' free!

my sister-in-law and one of my best friends, who are the same person, found out that she is having a baby girl! the family had a big party to reveal the sex of the baby and we're all just so thrilled.

i went out to lunch with a new friend of mine, who is one of those kindred spirits who doesn't feel like a new friend at all. we went for thai and spent an afternoon discussing terrible ex boyfriends, sex and our culture, and our shared passion for feminism- so basically all my favorite subjects. check out her blog sometime. and yes, it is quite possible for a devout LDS gal to associate with an atheist gal. WHAT IS THIS YOU SAY!?!?! no really, it's possible for two people with different beliefs to consider and respect each other's thoughts and maybe even, i don't know, learn something! plus we just had a really good time.

travis went to counseling with me on friday. oh great, now this blog is going to become her PTSD journal. i had some pretty rough nights last week and in counseling, travis and i talked about how each of us deal with all that and some ways that travis can understand what's going on with me. going to probably blog about this more in detail later. basically, this bullet should illustrate how fantastic travis is and how amazing it is to be able to be open with another human being.

well, that's pretty much it for my exciting life. i'll probably just leave you with some pictures. cross your fingers about the house!

i have a pretty fantastic relationship with my father in law. (above)

is travis not SMOKIN' HOT!?

also, thanks melissa for the photo of travis and i.

got a facelift

2012-01-15T23:37:00.003-07:00

i am a teeny bit obsessed with my new camera.

thank you

2012-01-07T09:50:00.003-07:00

the past few days i have been overwhelmed with your responses to my last post. each of your responses brought me to tears. thank you for the emails and for sharing your own stories. i can't tell you what it means to me to have support like this!

i wanted to share my story to possibly help someone else, but all of you have ended up touching my heart. so thank you, thank you. i look up to each of you so much!

it's easy to forget that we are all in this together, that we all want basically the same things and that we all have similar struggles. it's incredible to see the results of someone reaching out to another person. thank you for renewing my hope and proving that i'm not alone in this.

xo

being brave, part II

2012-01-05T00:12:00.006-07:00

so. what i'm going to say is pretty scary. i have been trying to get up the courage to write this for a long time.

you know how i'm all about being honest on this blog? saying the good, bad, and ugly?
i haven't been honest. i haven't been open.

i have butterflies in my stomach. i might chicken out.

i'm afraid for several reasons.
1. any person who reads this will think of me as completely different.
2. i'm afraid of backlash.
3. i don't want to be seen as a victim.

well if this is so scary, then why am i sharing? i want to share this because i know that one out of any four, if not more, women, (and yes, some men too) have gone through what i'm dealing with in some form. i want those men and women to read this and know that they aren't alone and that there is help and hope out there.

ok.
several months ago, i almost ended my life.
yes, i know what some of you may be thinking. suicide is selfish. how could you even consider doing that to your loved ones. let me tell you, if you are thinking these things, it is because you have never been so low that those things didn't matter. when the only option that sounds reasonable is for life to be over, you aren't thinking about being selfish. you're thinking of an end to your pain.

when i was 14 years old, i was sexually assaulted multiple times over a period of about six months. he was a neighbor boy, a year older than me. i thought he was going to be my first kiss.
it's a very long, messy, terrible story that i'm not really ready to share. but it involved enormous amounts of betrayal, guilt, pain, self loathing, the whole bit.

so then at 15, i actually attempted suicide. when that didn't take, i went on to date many boys who used me, belittled me, and who only proved to me that no one could be trusted and that i probably wasn't worth anything.

i have spent the past eight years cycling through repressing, remembering, shutting down, shutting others out, blaming myself, using obsessive compulsive behaviors to trick myself into feeling like i have control, denying, and trying to hide. sometimes i would really think everything was going to be ok, that i was finally over what happened. then, i would see his car, or hear a song that reminded me of him, or even on several occasions, run into him at the mall or the movies. i ran away to college and tried to forget everything, but every time i dated someone who tried to feel me up, it all came back. it was always there, just beneath the surface of my smiling confidence.

i slept through high school. my mom, concerned with my parent teacher reports of me "always sleeping through class," took me to our family doctor to test for anemia. no one knew i had depression. it didn't even cross the doctor's mind.

meanwhile, the boys who had been involved bullied me at school, peed on my house, and made their message clear that i was to keep quiet about everything. one boy who was involved used to scream "you're disgusting! whore!" when he saw me in school.

i used to see him with his girlfriend in the halls and wonder if she knew him in the same way i did. i doubted it.

i didn't know how to open up about this. poor travis wasn't sure how to handle it, but after things got really bad a few months ago, he basically "forced" me to go to counseling.

i meet all the criteria in the DSM-IV for PTSD.

my counselor's name is jessica and she is wonderful. i highly recommend therapy. i'm doing better than i have been since i was that 14 year old girl. it's just nice to have a safe place and a safe person to open up to. right now jessica is helping me to understand the things that trigger the memories and understand that the reactions i have- panic attacks, intrusive thoughts, fear, etc,- are not me, but reactions of PTSD. i've been going to counseling for about eight weeks now and it's really helping. next week, travis is going to come with me and hopefully i'll start learning how to open up to him about everything and let him in.

if you are a survivor of sexual assault or molestation, please know that your life doesn't have to be defined by what happened to you. it wasn't your fault. you don't have to live in fear or deal with it all on your own. i wouldn't have believed that a few months ago, and maybe you don't right now either, but please, please, don't think you are alone.

i know that some of you may read this and think, wow, she really over-shared this time. this is not the appropriate venue for her to work on this. to those people i say, you are part of the problem. our culture needs to address these things, instead of blaming the victim and keeping everything swept under the rug.

i want to say a quick thank you to travis. it really is a miracle that we are together. i never thought i would find a person who cared so much and was so selfless. i never dreamed i could trust someone like i trust travis.

also, a thank you to two dear friends who reminded me why i wanted to live. you both know who you are.

if you have questions or want to talk about a similar experience, please email me. collette.charles7@gmail.com.

a very long rambling post about words, firemen, and being someone's wife.

2011-12-29T23:04:00.007-07:00

everyone is born with a natural ability of some kind. some call them talents, some call them superpowers. everyone has at least one. travis is an athlete. he's fast, he can jump high, he is coordinated and agile without trying. my mom can make a friend anywhere. my brother reed is a quick learner. i was born with two abilities that come naturally, almost as easy as breathing or some other function my body performs without me thinking too much about it. (pooping probably, since as you know from previous posts, i poop like clockwork.)

my superpowers are singing and language. i've been singing since before i could talk. it's always just been easy. my mom taught me to sing in a round with her when i was just learning to make words. i have always been able to pick out harmonies and find pitch. when i took voice lessons, everything clicked, breath techniques, projecting, etc. music brings me a great deal of joy and i'm always grateful i was born with this talent.

my other superpower has always been in words. my mom tells the story of when i was a baby learning to talk and how my understanding of english grammar was very advanced. my parents were enjoying my parroting of what they would say, so they decided to challenge me with a long word.
"say, Yugoslavia!" they prompted.
"I go slavia!" i replied.

i was that kid who knew how to read before starting school. i was writing my name in cursive before kindergarten. that geeky kid with giant glasses and her nose in a book was always me. i was reading on a college level by third grade. not only have i always been a great reader, but i'm a fast reader, something that has really come in handy for college. my mom read to me from the time i was born and always made reading a huge priority, and i'm thankful to her for nurturing this ability.

i'm not saying all this to brag. i'm terrible at a lot of things, like anyone else. math. racquetball. reading charts and graphs. understanding the NFL. keeping score in games. driving. oh, reading a map, kills me. like i stay home sometimes rather than go out and find the address of events. i'm ashamed to admit this, but i don't completely understand how to use street names and numbers to find places. having a gps on my smart phone has changed my life.

ok, but i'm rambling here. the point to all this thinking was that i have been considering the word 'wife' the past few weeks. what i really want to write about is what it's like being a fireman's wife and what i have learned from this. but i just hate the word 'wife'. ever since i was a little kid playing house, i have hated this word. i used to say, "and this is my husband" in pretend play rather than introduce myself as someone's wife. the reason i got to rambling about talents is because i was thinking about how even as a kid i used to think about words a lot. i'm sure many of you were the same way, but for those of you who aren't, that's why i can remember hating that word even as a 7 year old.

now that i technically am someone's wife, i have been in plenty of situations where i had to introduce myself as such. "hi, i'm travis's wife." at fire department get-togethers. but it still bothers me and i'm not sure why. even as a kid, i wasn't so sure about the idea of "belonging" to someone else. i didn't know if i really ever would get married and as you know i kept my last name. because i am and always have been collette charles. just because it's a western custom for the woman to take the man's last name, doesn't mean it's the only right, moral choice to make. in many places in africa, each member of the family is given their own last name. when travis asked me why i didn't want to change my name, i asked him, do you want to take my last name? of course he didn't. i asked why. he replied that he was a bodtcher, not a charles. i told him the same principle applied to me. it's a hassle and people are always confused about why my name is different from his, but it's important to me. i have always been a little funny about my name. once in 5th grade, i changed the spelling of my name to "kollette" and insisted that everyone else respect it, including my teacher.

again with the rambling.

so awhile ago i was pondering different blogs i could write that would gather large audiences and possibly make me some money. i considered a mormon feminist mommy blog, since that combines a lot of things that seem contrary to each other on the surface. obviously this would be later if i ever get the courage to be a mommy. another blog i thought about was a fire wife blog. people are always interested in firemen. firemen are universally loved, like puppies or you know, some other thing that only does good for other people. people are interested in what it's like to be married to a fireman, too, because their hours are strange and their job is more of a lifestyle. but writing a blog about what it's like being the wife of a fireman turned me off completely. because being a wife to a fireman is only a very tiny piece of who i am. being married to travis is obviously a giant part of my life. but to write an entire blog about being his wife wouldn't be honest at all.

but i thought, i could write a post or two about it. plus, he's at work now and i'm a tidtch bored and lonely. might as well make a list of why i feel that way, right? and i know that once we have kids, being a fire wife will be completely different and much more difficult, but these are things i have learned in the year and a half that i have been a fire wife.

* being married to a fireman gives you something interesting to talk about to other people.
* you instantly have a connection to the entire fire community. doesn't matter what department they work for or if you even know them at all, you're family.
* travis works 48 hours on and then has 4 days off. this means i will spend 1/3 of my life sleeping alone. unless i take another fireman husband, as my brother zane has suggested.
* i don't think of weeks as having 7 days. i am always counting down from four, from the day travis comes home until the day travis goes back to work. the two days he is gone are almost not even counted as weekdays for me, as strange as that sounds.
* i know that for the next thirty years, travis will work his share of valentine's days, thanksgivings, christmases, and 4th of julys. being a person who values holiday traditions, this bothers me immensely.
* 9/11 has taken on a new meaning for me. it could just be that i'm getting older and starting to appreciate the gravity of the terrorist attack, but watching the footage this year of those firemen at ground zero brought me to tears in a much more personal way than ever before.
* although i lived on my own for four years before marrying travis, i am adjusting to living alone in a completely different way than when i had roommates. i know that for two to three days a week, i will be killing my own spiders, taking out the trash, and checking the house for intruders alone. sometimes, this is awful.
* men in uniform are attractive. my man in his uniform is a turn on.
* being married to a fireman means that at any given moment during his shift, he can get a call. it doesn't matter if you're there visiting him. it doesn't matter if you're telling him an amazing story over the phone. the tones go off, and he has to put you second. that was really hard to get used to.
* being married to a fireman means that you worry about him. you pray that when he goes on a freeway call, no one slams into his ambulance. you pray that no one gets violent or that might get to sleep the entire night through so he won't be exhausted on his four off. you pray that people will stop drinking and driving so that he won't be in danger when he's on the roads late at night. you worry about him all the time.
* you think about having children and you worry that you won't be able to handle being a single parent 1/3 of the time.
* sometimes you feel jealous that he gets to be the hero all the time while you're home alone.
* you go to family events, or to hang out with friends, and feel like a widow. people ask where your husband is and you are always saying, oh he's at work.
* sometimes i make the effort to go out and have a good time when he's working. then i feel sad that i have had adventures without him and slightly bitter that he missed the good times.
* i feel extreme pride in him.
* i love getting to know the men he works with and feeling their acceptance.

so there you have it. the life of the fire wife. or as i would rather say, my fireman husband's effect on my life.

travis standing in the rubble after a big structure fire last winter.
photo courtesy of kslnews.com

pinning travis's badge after he was officially sworn in as a murry firefighter/paramedic.

doing what a fire wife does best...
remember that time i had an identity crisis
and dyed my hair blonde...

visiting travis on his birthday while we were still dating. pretty enamored with the uniform.

foods and christmas lovin'

2011-12-29T15:08:00.005-07:00

remember that time i said i would be telling an epic love story once a week? and then i fell off the blogging wagon? (does that metaphor even make sense here? no.) luckily, i had a good excuse: i was out living the love story. also, i was busy shopping, sleeping in, not doing homework, cooking, baking, spending time with family, decorating our house, and keeping christmas secrets.

here are a couple of pictures of my life in the last few weeks.
if it seems like food is dominating my life in pictures, don't worry. it's like that in real life too.

this chicken is my new favorite thing to cook.
just season chicken thighs, yes the fatty thighs,
with salt, pepper, garlic, onion, thyme, and rosemary
and slather with olive oil. bake until they're done.

these pictures are out of order. this is my family
on christmas eve, about to play our rendition of
santa claus is coming to town, rock and roll version.
my dad is wearing a wig.

here i am singing have yourself a merry little christmas.
if i can get the videos to upload, i will upload them.

this is the stuffed manacotti i made for the dinner party.
jeremy and liana came over and we ate and drank ALOT.
i had never made manacotti before, but it was pretty easy.
just combine about ten cheeses, including ricotta mhmmm,
and spinach and spices, and pipe it into the uncooked shells.
easy peasy.

these are the stockings hung by the chimney with care. also,

the christmas village my mom, grandmother,
and great grandmother painted.

here is the table all set for the dinner party.

i'm secretly a desperate housewife.

this is another delicious meal i cooked.
the best part? the green beans!
sunflower market has them on sale right now.
you stick them in a pan with butter, garlic, onion
salt, pepper, let them saute a bit, and then
throw in a cup of chicken stock.
then just let them hang out an cook
for half an hour.
judas priest, they were amazing!

here i am showing off my outfit on christmas morning.
no, it's not new, but i like it. we were headed to church!

standing in front of the very bright window
next to the tree on christmas morning.

so our christmas was EXCELLENT! travis was at the fire station on christmas eve, which sucked because we didn't get to make santa traps together, but on the bright side, we didn't have to argue about which side of the family to go spend the evening with. call me selfish, but i never like to budge on christmas eve family time, because i only get to see my entire charles side twice a year, one of which is christmas eve. this year, my mom's parents were also in town, so it was a family bonanza!

christmas eve also included my family singing "santa claus is coming to town" with guitars, drums, pianos solos, and me singing at the top of my lungs and doing sweet dance kick moves. (no one ever gets my dance kicks, but i still went for it.) for my whole life, christmas eve has included everyone in the family getting up and doing some kind of singing or instrument playing. music just makes it, you know?

christmas was a little rough this year because my grandpa, or as we call him, papa, was recently diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma. he has lost an enormous amount of weight, and is on steroids, which make him a little hyper. this man is my hero and a world without him seems pretty impossible. to be honest, i was terrified to see him because i didn't want his cancer to be real. i stuck by him most of the night and he has a great attitude. for those of you who are the praying kind, please add him to your long lists?

ok, so on a happier note, christmas day was excellent. travis came home and we opened presents and had my grandma's cinnamon rolls. poor travis had only gotten five hours of sleep during his entire 48 hour shift, so he took a nice nap before church. church was excellent and a nice way to remember what, for me, christmas is all about. after church we spent time with our families, stuffed ourselves with food, talked to my missionary brother on the phone, and ended up watching home alone.

now for the promised love story.

a few days before christmas, travis had been acting strange.

let me back up. for the past six months, i have been looking into buying a camera. a nice, DSLR camera. i had some money saved up from selling charlie, another very sad story, and i had decided on one. travis kept teasing me about how he was just going to give me $300 bucks in a card for christmas, but we all knew he was going to buy me that camera. it has been a running joke for the past month.

well there is a flood in thailand right now where they make the filters and so production has slowed down. travis bought the camera with plenty of time to spare and was promised it would make it in time for christmas. but alas, there wasn't one to be found west of the mississippi. travis spent a lot of time "cleaning the garage" and talking to the store on the phone about my camera.

a few days before christmas, we were driving home from the temple and he got tears in his eyes. he told me that he had ruined my christmas and how sorry he was. he explained about the camera and how he had planned to give me a card with a picture of where the camera was hidden to make me search for it, and how it was all ruined. and it was "all his fault."

that he would stress over my christmas to that extent was the best part of christmas this year for me. i still don't have the camera. it won't be in until mid january at the earliest. but that doesn't matter! this is the reason i married travis. sometimes i still can't believe a person could love me so much.

ahhhh love.

sorry for the terribly long post. the once a week is back on. hope all your christmases were merry and bright!

braggin' it up in herr.

2011-12-11T22:05:00.007-07:00

remember how my first year of marriage was really hard? and how travis and i used to want to strangle each other sometimes? well those days seem really far away from where we are right now.

seriously, marriage is excellent.

ok sorry, but i'm going to have a my-life-is-amazing brag session here.

after working 200 hours in the past two weeks, travis came home and we were finally able to spend an afternoon and evening together. he got home yesterday afternoon and we had a pretty enjoyable time getting reacquainted. too much? ah well, usually is. last night we went to our neighborhood christmas party, had dinner, and were social beings. so remember how we teach sunday school to the 14 year olds? well one of them, alex, was there and needed a ride home. (freakin' love this kid; he is so optimistic and innocent. so refreshing!) so as we were leaving, i asked alex, "do you want to drive home?" he gets all excited and looks at travis, who says, "uhhh no. no way is he driving our brand new car."

don't worry, i got the keys for alex. and we gave him a pretty legit driving lesson. picture this: pitch black darkness, alex, who isn't sure which pedal does what, me in the front seat laughing,(i'm a terrible driver) and travis in the back seat, yelling to alex, "ok, that's a stop sign! wait, you have to signal before cutting off that driver! STOP HUGGING THE CURB! YOU ALMOST HIT THAT POLE!" guess we know who is going to be the push over parent when our kids are teenagers.... (that would be me.)

after making our obligatory saturday night walmart run, we went home and decided to spend the night playing cards, or more specifically, california speed. travis and i are both pretty hardcore competitors. and as i discovered, we're both hardcore sore losers, too. usually when we compete, it's in sports, travis's forte, so i always lose. we never compete in music or reading, where i'm strong. (how can you even compete in reading? ok, see who can read fastest and score the highest on this comprehension test! and... go!) (i would totally smoke ass in that game.)

so i'm a california speed demon. turns out travis, is not. at first he was keeping it cool, talking smack, "don't worry, i'm just getting warmed up." ten games later, his score was still 0, but travis wasn't the same cool cat he had been. his face was red, he had called me countless swear words, accusing me of cheating, and topped off the act by hurling his cards at me and storming out.

this behavior is coming from the man who, after me picking fights and sometimes raising my voice all year, never batted an eye. seriously, i had never seen any signs of temper, ever. (and that drove me insane, by the way. seriously, fight back!) i beat him at some meaningless card game and he turns into a beastmother. well, it probably doesn't help that i'm not much of a gracious winner. and by that i mean i love a good face rubbing more than almost anything. and for those of you who know me well, getting someone riled up is my version of liquid crack. highly addictive and so delicious.

love that man of mine!

basically, travis and i are two peas in a giant, provoking, competing, sore losing pod. if you would have told me in tenth grade biology class that someday i would be married to travis bodtcher and be this happy... ah life.

and this week he gets to be home for an entire two full days without having to work any of his 4 jobs. we're going to put up our christmas tree and definitely play some more speed. and tomorrow is my last test for the semester! stats = killed. one more semester to go!

also, travis and i were reminiscing about our love story the other day and the details are already getting slightly hazy for both of us. so i'm going to try post every week at least one story about how we ended up together. you know, to document. (brag.) so i hope you like epic love stories.

sending love your way. xo

picture compliments of melissa robbins.
we turned around and she surprised us by snapping our picture.
that's why we look so awkward and fake.
still adorable together though, amirite?

how to interpret the universe's message to you on a day to day basis

2011-12-01T11:54:00.006-07:00

yeah, so do you ever have those days where your life has a theme? like, your life is a tv show, maybe on abc, fox, or HEAVEN FORBID, showtime!? and in every episode there is a different theme? love, loss, heartache, possibly passing your intern tests and becoming a resident at Seattle Grace? (sorry carling, i'm writing this right after reading your blurb about the sexy kathheig on grey's anatomy. i seriously am in love with her and how she has a slight double chin, something i'm pretty insecure about in myself. but i seriously digress here...)

like i was trying to say, days have themes sometimes. like on tuesday, how the theme of my life was slightly sexual vibes from unusual subjects. so yesterday, wednesday, the theme of my life became babies. and it's carried on to this morning at the gym. i'm really hoping it goes away soon, because as you all know, i'm absolutely terrified of having a baby.

babies are a sensitive subject for most people. obviously, a baby is a wonderful, beautiful, miracle. some people want them, some people don't want them. some people are having them around others who want them and it's painful. i can't begin to imagine how painful that has to be. some people, like me, are afraid of becoming mothers. worst part of being a newlywed for me: realizing that someday soon, there could be a chance i would accidentally get pregnant. somehow, this just didn't really hit until i was engaged and then i started freaking out and researching success rates for birth controls. having sex was pretty scary, for the obvious reasons a virgin with a teensy vagina would be scared, but also because now there was this big chance, well 1% chance, that a living being would take up residence in my uterus and demand a portion of my body, mind, time, life, and identity. which absolutely is horrifying for me to consider.

(for anyone who is pregnant and reading this, please don't let my fears interrupt the truly awesome work you are doing. seriously, i don't really respect anyone more than you.)

also, i am not, and have never been, a baby hater. i love kids. i'm actually pretty great with kids. they love me. i love them. me not being ready to birth one does not make me a heartless judas priest. we all have our fears, right?

ok. back to the theme of my day yesterday. i get to my child/adoles development class and the topic is: transitioning to parenthood.

wonderful.

we learned all about how marital satisfaction decreases, how 13% of couples separate before their babies are 18 months old, and all the stress placed on the new couple. how they have to face their differences that have never come up in their marriage. how actually, 90% of parents feel completely polarized from their partner after their first child is born. and ok, it's psychology, you can't take those studies and make them your bible or anything. but there has to be some truth behind all that work, right? (this is the part where, if you have had a baby, it would be great for you to tell me how it was for you.)

ok, so after hearing all this, things that i already freak out about pretty regularly, i went to my parents' house for dinner. travis is out of town for the week, working, so i have been hanging out with my mom. well, naturally we watched the latest episode of sister wives. because we like to marvel at the idea of sharing your husband with other women. funny thing, because most of the world associates mormons with polygamy, because our church practiced it briefly in its early years. i'm lds and i would consider myself pretty devoted. but i would not be down with sharing travis with another woman. well, unless it was that pretty girl who flirted with me the other day... just kidding.

well on this particular episode of sister wives, the newest wife gave birth. at home. in her bed. without drugs. my mom, who birthed all of us without the help of drugs, was impressed. i, on the other hand, was sweating, heart rate rising, almost crying of fear. not for the wife in the screen, but for me! i don't think i can do that! i don't know if i even want to do that!

then, this morning i went to my thursday kickbox class. one woman who goes just had a baby and i have been watching with interest how quickly she has lost the weight. i'm pretty chummy with the instructor and she knows i was recently married. so today, we are doing walking lunges and i was pretty tired. i wasn't using weights like the rest of the class, because it messes up my form and hurts my bad knees. she looked at my red face and asked, "are you doing ok?" i reassured her i was fine and then she gave me this knowing smile and said, "ooooohhhhhhh i get it. well be careful."

i'm pretty sure she thinks i'm pregnant.
for the rest of the class she kind of watched me and i wanted to yell, "NO! I'M NOT PREGNANT! I'M JUST REALLY TIRED! MY BOOBS ARE EXTRA BIG BECAUSE I'M ON MY PERIOD!"

i'm a huge freak, basically.

it's just really hard to wrap my head around the idea of having a baby. travis and i have been talking about when and if it will happen. i was thinking, maybe i'll be brave after i graduate and work for a bit. maybe like next fall or something. but then we are planning to go on a cruise next january and i don't want to be pregnant on a cruise. and when am i supposed to go to grad school? how am i supposed to fit all the things i want plus create life???

i cry about this sometimes. and yeah, i'm shallow. i don't want to mess up this body i've been sculpting for the past few years. i don't want to risk my acne coming back and dominating my life. i really like my life, just the way it is. sleeping in, afternoon lovin' and a nap, late nights with friends. a clean house. being able to come and go as i please.

but there is a small piece of me that wonders. could i do it? i think i would be a really great mom and travis was practically born to be dad.

ah, but breastfeeding. that freaks me out so much.

see, maybe i'm just not ready. maybe you moms out there could tell me about your experiences and your fears? and how it all turned out?

anyway, hoping the theme of my week changes soon, before these thoughts, plus finals finish me off for good. cheers!

new lipstick, goths, hot lesbians, and older men

2011-11-29T23:13:00.010-07:00

today i must have been putting off a different scent. or maybe it was the new shade of red lipstick i dug out of my old makeup samples from my days of selling cosmetics. or maybe it was my ponytail and non made up face. (see, the lipstick was supposed to compensate for my lack of grooming.) whatever the case, i had an interesting time on trax today.

oh great, another trax story. jeeze doesn't she have anything more interesting to write about?

so i'm sitting there, waiting for my train, freezing my face off, when a goth-esque man dressed in the customary black trench coat walks toward me and sits down. he catches my eye and smiles and i encourage my frozen face to smile back, because i try to smile at everyone. you know, to reignite their hope in humanity and all that. well, goth man takes this as a hint to come closer. he stands up and takes the seat directly to my right. oh great. i notice that his ponytail is longer than mine and that he appears to be younger than me. he also reeks of cigarette smoke.

"hello." he says, staring at me in a way that immediately makes me uncomfortable.
"hi." i say, and then look in the opposite direction.

(being married has made me slightly awkward when talking to guys who are interested in me. as you may know, i have a history of being a gigantic flirt, and since being married, i have tried to tame that.)

"my name is ___." he says. and yes, i forget his name promptly after he tells me.
"oh, i'm collette."
he holds out a hand and i automatically reach out to shake. instead of shaking my hand, he holds it up to his mouth and brushes his lips on the top of it, so softly and quickly i don't have time to react. once i get my senses together, i put my left hand, complete with wedding ring, on top of the hand he just kissed, hoping he'll get the hint. he doesn't.
"you're just so pretty, i had to come over here and meet you." he is apparently a gallant sort of gentleman. with this, he takes my hand again, kisses it, and says he has to go meet his friend.
"nice to meet you." he says and is gone. i'm still frozen in shock and yes, a bit flattered.

then the train pulls up and i get on, sitting in the back. hoping that my share of crazy has come and gone in the form of a chivalrous goth man.

no such luck.

at the next stop, a beautiful woman boards and walks toward me. she smiles and again, i smile back. gotta stop doing that.

she takes the seat directly across from me, and again, i see that look. the look of oh hey baby, i'm checkin out what you got goin' on. i've seen this look many times before, but not often does it come from another female. she keeps smiling as she says, "how are you today?" although what she is saying is quite ordinary for one stranger to say to another, her tone of voice is suggesting a bit more. i'm still not done being flattered from goth man, and am quite shocked to find this gorgeous girl flirting with me. i also don't really know how to take it, because, although i appreciate the female form, i'm not really batting for that team. i smile at her and we chat for a minute but then i return to my book.

ok, that was weird, but now, definitely, the strangeness of today is over, i think to myself.

the rest of the train ride is silent. i get to school and walk to the computer lab to print my assignment. so far, so good. i make it all the way to the printing station before it strikes again. in this case, it is an older man, gotta be in his 60s. he is at the printer next to me. leans over, almost in my face, and says, "well hello there."

ok. real original, that line. heard it already, pal.

this "sweet" old guy proceeds to shamelessly flirt with me all the way out of the computer lab, complete with an invitation to help him support a candidate for governor. (apparently he's pretty involved.)

don't worry, he was the last person to make a pass at me for the day. but good grief, i didn't even do my hair today. it had to be the lipstick.

also, today's experience was far more enjoyable than a few weeks ago, when a crackhead power couple chose to sit across from me and tweak out. both of them were missing all their teeth and the woman had forgotten to wear shoes, and kept tapping me with her socked foot, then loudly apologizing. she spent the entire 45 minutes licking her face. getting hit on by a beautiful woman was easily a nicer way to spend the ride. and i'll never forget the woman last year who told me all about her drug problem, having her child taken from her, and wanting to end her life. we had a good chat that day. then there's the infamous undercover doctor i had the honor of meeting last winter. so i can't complain. and really, what's nicer than having a little attention? we could all use a day like that.

the lipstick is from clinique, and it's called 'spiced apple.' try it out, and let me know how it goes.

thankful

2011-11-23T15:39:00.004-07:00

holidays make me nostalgic. since i was a kid i have loved looked back to last christmas, or the fourth of july 2 years ago, or the valentines when i was 9 and we went snowmobiling in island park.

last year was my first married thanksgiving. travis and i split up the family time, eating two big meals, one around lunch and the other for dinner. we went to the mall and window shopped for a while and played games later. it was a little strange and we both felt slightly upset that we had to share the time between our families, each preferring to spend thanksgiving the way we had always done, and not with inlaws, one of whom heartily harassed me about having a baby. i admit i wasn't really feeling all that thankful, feeling more that life was changing and i wasn't sure how much i wanted that change.

the year before that, in 2009, was an exciting day because it was the first time travis would meet my dad's side of the family. i had never taken a boy to thanksgiving dinner before, and i was anticipating showing off my new boyfriend. travis and i had been dating for about six months. he had started his daily "will you marry me" routine, but i obviously hadn't said yes yet. my cousins invited travis to join their thanksgiving day basketball game and he was nervous to meet everyone, but earned their respect after shooting several three pointers. i was still dieting and trying to lose weight at the time, so i remembering eating a small amount of food, but feeling so happy that i had lost 20 pounds and that my skin was clearing up.

after spending the day with my family, we headed to west jordan to see travis's side of the family. i was still getting to know everyone, but already felt very loved and included. toward the end of the night when everyone was leaving, travis's grandpa sat us down and told us he had something important to say. he told us he was worried about how close we were getting, and that we needed to get married, and soon. you know, before travis knocked me up. to say the least, i was mortified. here i was, talking to an old man about our dangerous lust. i wasn't even sure if travis was "the guy" and his grandfather was urging us to get married. ah, that was a thanksgiving to remember.

and of course, this wouldn't be a nostalgic post without mentioning hawaii. three years ago, in 2008, i woke up on thanksgiving day and threw on my bikini. a boy who i thought was "the boy" had flown in to spend the holiday with me and we all headed to the beach. it was so strange not to have snow for thanksgiving, but honestly, i wasn't too chuffed about it. one of my roommates had "bought" a big screen tv (planning to return it after the weekend...tsk tsk...) so we could play video games and watch movies. a polynesian family cooked our turkey in the ground for us and we all pitched in for the side dishes, mashed potatoes, jello, rolls, some kind of vegetable i'm sure... and fruit. oh and chocolate haupia pie. the BEST pie in the world, from Ted's Bakery on north shore. drooling now just thinking about it.
pretty sure i packed on the final ten pounds over thanksgiving weekend that year, eating pie for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, rounding off at a whopping 150 pounds for my 5'4 frame.
worth it, almost.

but what a great holiday that was. ting shen taking endless photos of us, running around the yard with bonnie, playing apples to apples, eating erika's tye dyed rolls, playing rockband with roxanne miller, and getting to know alyssa better.

ah memories. i don't really like remembering the thanksgiving of 2007, because yet another boy who i thought was "the boy" (gosh, i dated a lot of boys back then) had just left on his mission and i was dreadfully sad. like listen to a voicemail he'd left me over and over and over and over and cry myself to sleep every night, hound the mailman for letters, refuse to go out on weekends, write 10 page letters a day, sad. but we don't have to go there.

as for this year's thanksgiving, travis is at the fire station, so i'll be heading over there tomorrow at 2pm. i'm excited to get to know the guys and their wives a little better. plus i get to spend the whole day with travis while he's getting paid to work.

life really is flying by. i finally feel like i'm at a place where, while i can fondly remember the past, i'm really enjoying the present.

i'm so thankful this year! i'm so thankful for travis and that he is mine and i am his. i am so thankful for how hard he works and how much he does for me. the other night, there was a huge mess of dishes, mostly mine. we don't have a dishwasher, so doing dishes is a horrible chore. i was dreading doing them, and told myself i'd do them after my homework was done. travis sneakily did all the dishes while i was doing stats. i'm so thankful to be married to a man who shows me he cares through these small acts of kindness.

i'm thankful for my family, for my strong parents who have always been an example of hard work and how to enjoy life. i'm grateful to have three younger brothers who teach me things and are such a joy to be around. i'm thankful that travis has a secure job and that we have a home. i'm thankful to live in a country that allows me religious freedom, among countless other things. i'm thankful for travis's family who have come to feel like my own family and all they do for us. i'm thankful for rich friendships in my life and for the adventures i have had with them. i'm so thankful for my savior Jesus Christ and that he atoned for my sins. i'm so thankful for a Heavenly Father who continues to bless me, even when i doubt Him or am ungrateful. i'm just so grateful and humbled to have this life to grow and learn and feel joy.

hope all of your thanksgivings are full of warmth, food, and good company. thank you for all you do for me!

i am a successful person.

2011-11-04T11:35:00.002-06:00

i'm a successful person.
i almost always get what i want and work for.
(i am also usually pretty reasonable about what i want.)

i like to believe that if you work hard enough for something, you will eventually have it.

obviously, there are many things you can't have right when you want them.
i waited 10 years to have clear skin, which was something most people with acne would kill for.
having to wait for what you want most is awful, something i'm sure we can all agree on.

but it kills me, kills me, to play this waiting game with our house.

we work our butts off, remodeling, cleaning, remodeling more, yardworking. people stop by all the time and take our fliers. we have showings about once a week, which is a huge tease. then last week, we had someone call for a second showing, which is great news. they wanted to come back and see it again! maybe they liked it!

so we waited all week to hear back from their realtor, who just couldn't seem to find the time to call our realtor back. every day without an offer from them is like a balloon deflating more and more.

i am a successful person. so trying to sell our house and failing over and over is starting to destroy me.
and yes, i have heard people say not to take it personally. that you just have to wait it out, someone will come along and it will be the right fit.
yeah, i know this is part of the deal of selling your house. and i'm sure i sound like a whiner, not an adult. (which i don't feel like either...)

my motto of working hard to get what you want doesn't fit right now and sometimes i hate growing up and realizing things like this.

you know?

you're only going to get this joke it you're a pinterest junkie who has also blog stalked provo mormon mommies.

2011-11-04T11:11:00.006-06:00

so for the past couple of months, i have been just a teensy bit obsessed with pinterest. "no really," i would say to travis, "it's not a waste of time, because these are all crafts i plan to do."

psh.

well, two months later, i can finally say,
i actually created something i found on pinterest.
and i'm proud of it.

ok, so this exact cake wasn't on pinterest, but the idea for pressing the chocolate chips on the sides was what i found on pinterest.

it's a strawberry chocolate chip cake, with chocolate coconut frosting in the middle and then just homemade chocolate frosting everywhere else. and pearl sprinkles. my mom and i spent a nice sat afternoon putting this bad boy together.

and yes, i did all the little swirlies around the edges. (!)

happy 20th birthday liana bodtcher!

now to move on to more trendy projects: cake pops!

then i might just move to provo and have 8 mormon babies.

(sorry, but i have lived in utah almost my whole life and i am happily mormon, so i think it's only fair for me to poke fun at provo because i have had to endure their reputation and ruining of my home state for my entire life. minimal offense intended.)

a fairly decent hallow's eve

2011-10-31T22:18:00.005-06:00

i usually don't like halloween. i have never been that person who gets dressed up and goes out. i'm not big on parties, even back when i was hot and single. it seemed like every year i ended up hanging out, playing guitar, eating candy, or whatever.

today was no different. i went running, cleaned, did homework, went to class, and had a pretty average day. travis is at work, so we weren't doing anything together.

yet, i still had a pretty decent day.
here are some reasons why:

1. a lot of guys dressed up as girls for halloween up at the university of utah. and i'm not talking just stuffing the bra. their costumes involved shaving of legs, high heeled boots, acrylic nails, eyeliner, corsets, and gorgeous wigs. the gay guy in my class today, i couldn't tell he was a man. his curves looked real. (and pretty nice, for that matter.) it was impressive.

2. seeing adults wearing masks, painting on bloody bruises, and sporting mad eye moody costumes.

3. listening to an old, toothless, black man singing, "ain't no sunshine when she's gone" on trax. he had a very nice voice.

3. this:
i have pretty high expectations for holidays. and it's because my mom has always done crazy things like this meatloaf hand she cooked for dinner. she had the table beautifully decorated and we drank ginger ale with fresh lime from her nice crystal glasses. she invited me over for the carnage and it even tasted great.

4. doing stats homework ALL NIGHT. why would that be part of a good day, you ask? because i almost started sobbing about 6 different times from frustration, but in the end i figured it out and got a good grade. this stats class is really teaching me how to stick to something difficult. every time i do homework, i consider dropping out of school. not just as a joke, but throwing away 5 years of work and money just so i don't have to do this one math class. and every time i finish the work and understand, i get a little more confidence. tackling weakness is so empowering!

5. visiting travis at work today. going to the fire station is always a good time. the guys he works with are so easy going and friendly, always playing jokes on each other. travis had a little teeny fire he got to put out today, so he was in a great mood. i do love that man. :)

6. i turned in my application to graduate next spring and everything is right on track. i can't believe i only have to register for classes one more time! (until i get that master's... eventually.)

another halloween come and gone. hope yours was > mine.

(yeah, i threw a tiny piece of math in there. it's not so scary after all.)

happy halloweener!

homesick. well, more than usual homesick.

2011-10-30T19:24:00.004-06:00

it's sunday night. the night all college students dread. you have to finally pull out those books and pull up your word documents and deal with everything you put off since thursday night. because tomorrow is monday and shit's due. 'n shit.

and i might be in a swearing mood tonight.

i just finished an assignment i should have been working on for the last month. don't worry, i did it all in one afternoon. now i have a stats quiz looming in my near future.

being a student when you're married is NOT a good time anymore.

being a student when you live in a dumpy house and have old couches that have who-knows-what embedded in their cushions, dirty kitchens, and crowded refrigerators. THAT'S where it's at. it's always a party, there are always people around to meet, to flirt with, and to distract you from your piles of homework. a roommate has always baked something gooey and warm, and there's always a pint of ben and jerry's in the freezer to help you out.

being a college student while being married = a freakishly clean house, (clean enough to have a showing at any moment) a gorgeous brand new fridge that you get all to yourself, but it's costing an arm and a leg and you don't have any food inside until wednesday when the husband gets paid. being married to a fireman = a LOT of alone time. and i gave up ben and jerry's a long time ago. it might be a lot easier to stop going to school and get a job to help pay for that freakishly clean house.

plus in the past seven days, travis worked a grand total of 112 hours.
96 of those hours at the fire station.
that's four days and nights of alone time for moi.
and travis and i saw each other for a whopping 45 hours in the past week.
including sleep.
that's like your average joe's normal workweek.
basically travis is my full time job.
lol.

so a lot of times it seems like the college party is over and gone.

don't get me wrong. I appreciate SO much that travis works hard to pay for our many expenses and my tuition. he is tired all the time so that i don't have to work while i'm in school. travis is basically the best.

just sometimes, or rather, most times, when i'm alone at night i remember what it's like to have a rip roaring social life and people around me all the time. i really miss living with girls, as strange as that is. i miss the constant party and giggling about inappropriate things. i miss those girls who got me through breakups, crappy dates, bad test scores, and getting a little fat. i miss my suu roommates who stashed tequila under the sink and went to the gym with me. i miss those hawaii girls and our bus rides, beach trips, and adventures.

i should have appreciated it more.

and i know if i'm not careful, i'm going to go through my entire life saying that about the past.

in a few years, when my quiet house is full of lively toddlers and babies, i'll probably look back at this time of solitude and peace with longing. it really seems to be the hardest thing for me, to just live in the place i am currently and enjoy it.

oh this life thing we do, it's harder than we think it will be sometimes.
but we always get through it.
so i'm going to go deal with the present, and do that stats homework.
and hey, living without roommates allows me to focus better and my gpa is pretty damn awesome. :)

xo

vegetarian sexcapades

2011-10-13T09:07:00.007-06:00

it's autumn.

i'm in slight denial.

i keep believing it's going to be 95 degrees again and that i still have time to go to the pool and bake my skin to golden brown.

but the crispness of the air and the changing leaves are unavoidable. and it gets dark at 7 and the sun isn't up until 7:30 in the morning.

plus it does this!:

yes, i'm aware my roses need trimming and weeding. iris grove,
our neighbor, reminds me all the time.

but on the other hand, we did go to a gorgeous fall-themed wedding this week at Sundance Resort. the leaves were all changing and the ceremony was held in a room with giant windows and mason jars with candles inside hanging from the rafters. the groom was a fireman travis works with, the one who was his mentor during the cadet program. their wedding was intricately planned and very fancy shmancy. i could barely pronounce what was served for dinner. (some kind of apple glaze over rack of pork.)

anyhow, it was great fun to see all the fireman in actual dress clothes, although they still acted like overgrown children for the most part. (something travis tells me is part of the job description and something i really love.) when it was time to eat, they seated all the fireman in the back of the room, naturally, and i didn't know most of the people at our table and we were easily the youngest. i picked up the dinner menu, noticing a vegetarian option. travis likes to tease our sister in law who is vegetarian, so i showed him the menu and said, loudly, "oh look travis, you can have your vegetarian dinner option!" and i may have taken a tone suggesting that vegetarians are ridiculous. (which isn't at all what i think, but i was trying to make travis laugh.)

travis's eyes got big and he flicked his gaze to the older couple sitting next to me.

little did i know, i had been seated next to the new battalion chief and his wife, who are, you guessed it, strict vegetarians.

and they had definitely heard my witty little comment.

fast forward to last night:

i recently found out that one of my good friends is pregnant! we stopped by their house to congratulate them and found that her inlaws had stopped by too.

in the midst of talking nausea and sex of the baby, her mother-in-law goodnaturedly joked that my friend had informed her the possible conception site of the baby, a place that could be considered inappropriate by some. i already knew about this, and figured everyone else in the room did, too. so i said the place out loud.

oh don't worry.

i'm sure her father-in-law really did want to know about their risky sexcapade.

after all, what is family for, if not to be extra close to one another.

turns out my foot in mouth syndrome hasn't healed up yet.

i think i'll just start hanging this picture in breast reduction clinics all over the salt lake valley.

happy fall time!

catchup

2011-10-05T14:04:00.002-06:00

here are some pictures from the past few weeks. charlie bear is growing at the speed of light! he us getting so big that when he accidentally runs into me, he knocks me off balance. he's a ton of work, but also pretty good company.

got meself a hair trim and some bangs. always nice to have a bit of change and freshen up the hairs.

my dear friend alyssa entered an essay writing contest at byu and she won! she invited me to be her guest of honor at the homecoming ceremonies where she read her essay. then there was a fancy shmancy luncheon with all the byu bigwigs, where she received a check for $1500! inspirational!

liana is such a great example to me of being truly committed to religion. we try to hit up the temple every friday afternoon. here we are standing in front of the jordan river temp.

after the women's conference a few weeks ago. i do enjoy being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

what a difference a year makes

2011-10-05T13:33:00.004-06:00

remember last year? when our flowerbeds looked like this?
those horrible bushes? and crazy weeds? overgrown everything?

seriously, why were those weeds growing in the lawn?

things look a bit better this year. a fellow fireman hooked us
up with some sod for the random missing lawn parts.

my mom helped me plant starts and bulbs last fall and
i spent hours of my summer mornings weeding and pruning.
also, murray city gives away free mulch every friday afternoon,
which helps the beds look finished and keeps the weeds down.

these flower beds still have a long way to go, (hopefully someone else
will be taking care of them) but they were a great learning experience
and i'm pretty darn proud of myself.

must read

2011-09-26T12:15:00.005-06:00

after writing that post last night, i realized i forgot something vital.

this book is the bible of all things skincare and makeup.

the skin care business makes billions of dollars

off of fancy packaging and advertisments.

don't be sucked in! do your research and know what

you're putting on your skin!

i used to sell lancome makeup at macy's.

i made a pretty decent commission.

after reading this book, i couldn't sell the skincare anymore.

because it's full of fragrance and oils that are bad

for skin and just mask the problems.

i would refer my customers to clinique or este lauder.

seriously, read the labels of your lotions and face washes.

it will help!

being brave

2011-09-20T21:18:00.011-06:00

about a month ago, i became myself again.
i used to pride myself on a my ability to say what was on my mind.
then i got married. and worried all the time. what did people think about me being married? (they didn't care.) what if i offended travis's family when my opinions were different, and they frequently are. was my dad proud of me? did my mom think i mooched off their food too much and that i should grow up and cook more?

i stopped being brave. i started keeping things bottled up inside instead of just saying them out loud. i assumed that people were thinking the worst of me all the time and became very defensive. i stopped defending my beliefs and myself.

surprise! i became very unhappy with myself.

for about 5 months, i even lost the ability to sing in my high range. (which has never happened except for once when my confidence was shaken for a week.) every time i tried to go past a D, my voice cracked. i thought i was going crazy. turns out my ability to sing is intimately tied to my confidence and self love.

well, after i spoke up to that woman on trax, something inside me just kind of, broke loose.

a family member harrassed me about never coming to events. instead of apologizing, i said what i thought.
i went to church today without wearing any makeup.
i said what i thought to that ex boyfriend who blames me for everything and writes ridiculous songs about me and then plays shows where everyone knows what he is talking about. (i promise to tell this story soon.)

and i am now posting my pre-accutane pictures for all the world (the 20 people who read this blog) to see. plus, if you suffer with acne, maybe these will help you figure out how to treat it.

before i started accutane, nov. 2009

also, my face was a bit more round 20 pounds ago.

if you've never had to deal with acne, this might seem silly to you. but waking up every morning to find giant red erruptions, is very depressing. i have had acne since i was in 6th grade. the boys in my class used to chase me around, yelling for me to pop the pimples i had on my chin. in 7th grade, a boy told me to get some clearasil. this harrassment doesn't go away as we get older.
i have washed my face every night since i was 12 years old without missing a single night.
i have tried every over-the-counter cream, miracle bursting facewash, useless topical prescription, chemical peels, proactive, $50 bucks a pop makeup counter-false-hope there is.
once, i even went to a very shady "second hand shop" in sugarhouse and bought pills that supposedly cleared up your skin.
the instructions for the pills were in chinese.
i still have no idea what i put in my body with those.
when i went away to college, the acne doubled. tripled. sharing a room with a gorgeous girl and her flawless skin didn't help my insecurity. i used to get up earlier than anyone else so i could apply the chockloads of foundation to hide my skin.
i used to sneak down the stairwells (most people used the elevators) to go tanning to burn the zits off. (that doesn't work, by the by.)
once, a group of people who lived in our appartment complex were going hiking. i was invited, but my skin was extra bad, so i said i was busy. my roommates cooked a big breakfast for the guys, and they were all in the kitchen having a great time. i had to pee, but didn't want to have to face anyone without makeup on. so i laid in my bed, clenching my parts so i wouldn't pee the bed. because i had to wait for them to leave before i could use the bathroom.
i have declined countless adventures i so wanted to do: hikes, dates, early morning sunrises, star parties, swimming, working out, running 5Ks, anything involving red-eye flights, and you get the idea.
when travis and i were first dating, he invited me to go play raquetball with him in the morning. i said maybe, and then when he called me to confirm our date, i ignored his 3 phone calls. because i didn't know how to say, "sorry, i have oozing pimples and huge pores, and i just don't feel comfortable letting you see them in all their red glory. i only value myself if i'm pretty, so how on earth could you ever love me?"
he wouldn't have understood then.
in fact, i used to only kiss him when it got dark, because i didn't want him to see my face after the makeup had been rubbed off. he honestly thought that i didn't want to see him while we kissed, because i didn't find him attractive.
i have a million of these stories. having acne is really hard. i knew i could never get serious with a guy until it was gone, because there was no way anyone was seeing me without make up on, which by the way, used to take me 45 minutes to apply.
then a miracle happened. i decided to finally just take the plunge and get on accutane, internet horror stories be damned! there is a lot of hype about accutane causing depression and much damage to internal organs, but it is just hype. i promise. i had never found a derm who actually listened to me, until i met mark pulver. i told him i was so tired of acne, and he suggested accutane.
it's intense. you have to take monthly pregnancy and blood tests. (because if you get pregnant on accutane, your babies will be born without ears.) your skin dries out until it cracks and bleeds. your ears scab. you scalp peels. you sunburn easily. you have to put aquaphor on your lips literally every 15 minutes, otherwise they chap and burn.
worth it.
plus the packaging is hilarious.
after the first month, my skin was already doing better. by month 3, all that was left were scars. by 5, it was gone.
it changed my whole life. i wouldn't have been brave enough to go to the gym and lose 30 pounds. i wouldn't have married travis. i wouldn't go to the pool, early morning classes, late nights with friends, etc. it even makes a simple thing like a haircut easier. (when you have makeup on, the hair sticks to your face. the water from the shampoo smears it...you get the idea.) my entire life is easier. i am so grateful that i was able to take accutane. it's amazing to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and not worry about the lighting making your skin look worse. it's amazing to be able to not wear makeup and to go to the grocery store without being afraid of running into someone you used to know.
if you struggle with acne, don't be scared off by internet stories about accutane. i can tell you, it works.

also, it's really nice to be back to my old self. i never thought i would EVER show anyone these pictures. it's really empowering to just be honest, yeah?

:) if you have any questions regarding skin care or accutane, please email me: collette.charles7@gmail.com

pitchas and a few words

2011-09-13T20:51:00.004-06:00

hanging out with my beautiful friend.
and my lazy eye.
but seriously, liana is mah rock!

watching my brother's kickball game with my puppy

sometimes travis does this with his hair after he showers.
it's amazing.

another one of travis in his handsome v-neck.

jeeze, another one of travis. how adorable is he in his fishing gear?

my daddy

rock climbing in american fork canyon. i'm getting braver.

started a new semester of school and found some high waisted pants.

my charlie d00d.

picked huckleberries in island park and then had wholewheat huckleberry pancakes. mmmm

been working on my guns

trimmed my baby's face hairs

livin' it up and getting dirty

insert foot in mouth, rinse and repeat

2011-09-09T19:30:00.005-06:00

obviously, travis is at work and i'm supposed to be doing homework. otherwise, i wouldn't write two ridiculously long blog posts in one day. but some funny stuff happened last weekend and i figured i should document.

i have a small problem. some know it as the "foot-in-mouth" syndrome. it appears to be getting worse as time goes on.

disgusting.

not only do i frequently put my foot in my mouth, i am getting worse about just blurting out what's on my mind. enjoy a few of my recent experiences starting with the most recent:

as i have expressed, i'm getting pretty frustrated with selling our house. it's becoming almost a sensitive topic. so this morning on our walk with charlie, when our sweet old neighbor said, "i guess you're not leaving us yet?" i answered, rather curtly, "we're trying!" she didn't say anything else and travis gave me the look.

noice.

a few days ago i was heading home from school. the train was extra crowded and as we shuffled in, the entire train was greeted by the rantings of an angry woman. "get out of the way! i have to be able to see my kids!" the poor soul stepped out of the way, only for her to yell, "ow! now you're on my left toe!" she turned to her friend and whined, loudly enough for everyone to hear, about how uncomfortable she was. we were practically standing on each other and as the train sped down toward the city, everyone jerked forward and back. her friend said, " i think there was more space in the first train." to which the angry woman replied, "then why did everyone get on this one?" she was still speaking in her outside voice, meaning for us to hear how upset she was.

naturally, i opened my mouth and called out, "because we were all waiting in line for this one!"

she looked shocked that i had said anything. but i didn't stop there.

"you say you're uncomfortable, but you're the one sitting in a seat; we're all standing on top of each other. so maybe you should just keep your mouth shut."

everyone on the train looked amazed. a few quiet chuckles escaped. the woman looked to her friend for support and then stammered, "well i wasn't talking to you, so maybe you should mind your business."

to which i replied, "everyone on this train can hear you complaining, so it is my business."

awkward... luckily her stop was long before mine, because the way she and her friend kept whispering and pointedly looking at me, i know she would have kicked my ash.

moving on to last weekend.

travis and i joined my family for a little getaway in island park, idaho, where my grandparents own a cabin. my mom and i dropped the guys off for a long day of fishing and then we headed out to the idaho state fair. great time, blah blah. by the time we went to retrieve the menfolk and their boat, it was dark out. while my mom (so i thought) was backing up the trailer into the dock, i walked down to say hi to travis. i was standing above on the dock and called down to him. he was talking to a medium height, bald man, who could only be my father. i made a joke and the man laughed. while he was laughing, he put a cigarette into his mouth and lit up.

"dad!? are you smoking a cigarette!?" i asked in a very loud, concerned voice and then realized-

"are you my dad?"

he was not.

ok, now let's go back another few months.

one of my favorite cousins was in town and was bringing her boyfriend over to meet the family. i was really excited to see her and to meet this guy she had told me all about. so we meet him, it's going great, and he seems like a great guy. then my dad asks him what he does for work.

"i weld potato beds."

only it sounded more like, "ahh waalld poe tae tah bades." pretty heavily accented.

well if you know me well, you know that i am constantly speaking in different accents, because i think it's hilarious. i even teach sunday school in a russian accent sometimes.

so, when her boyfriend says this, naturally, i repeat what he said, only i accent it like, a hundred times more heavily, so that i sound like a completely uneducated farmer. oh and really loudly too, like when some people are trying to get hispanic people to understand english by yelling.

"AHH WAAALLD POE TAE TAH BAAADES."

silence.

until my mom scolds, "collette!" and my dad mercifully changes the subject, and travis gives me the look.

turns out the boyfriend had just returned from a mission in texas, and the accent was probably heavily influenced by this fact.

it's not all bad, this foot in mouth business.

turns out i laugh all the time.

(if this cousin happens to read this, i'm really sorry if i hurt any feelings. it was not intended. i don't have a problem with texan accents and was only trying to bond with the boyfriend.)

a true love post

2011-09-09T14:08:00.006-06:00

i want to say a few things about travis.

although i could probably write an entire blog about him and our relationship, (oh wait, they have those right? married blogs?) i try not to only talk about him, because this is not a married blog. it's not a "travis and collette" blog. i started this blog before i ever even could guess travis and i would end up together. but obviously, travis is a giant part of my life, so he's bound to come up every now and then. *smile.

also, i take no issue with married blogs. also, i've said "blog" so many time that it doesn't look like a word anymore.

back to travis.

it's so wild to me how deeply you can know a person. there are levels. as previously stated, one of my biggest fears is that no one will ever know me completely. it's probably a fear of mine because i have had a hard time keeping close friends over long periods of time, and as most little girls (or at least the girls in my circles) learn, you have to have a best friend to keep track of who you are, so that when you need help or something big happens, you have someone who knows all your history and can fully appreciate your situation. well, i didn't have that kind of a long term friend growing up. it didn't help that i dated an outrageous amount of boys and the one boy i did go crazy for ended up breaking mah heart. ok, enough of this collette.

basically, i have a hard time opening up to people and have been disappointed time and time again. it wasn't any different with travis. when we first started dating, he kept telling me i had to open up, or we couldn't progress. turns out, even now that we're married, i still have a hard time with this. the people i loved most kind of broke me for awhile, so it's hard to believe that won't happen again. (oh jeeze, sound like a high school girl much?)

but, turns out travis is a magician. or at least really patient, caring, loving, and good at making me feel comfortable. needed.

i had a really bad night a few weeks ago. i felt angry at anyone who had ever hurt me. angry at myself. i couldn't sleep. i was in a really dark place, just not seeing the point to this life. in the middle of the night, i jumped out of bed and told travis i was going for a walk. he asked if he could come and we went for a long walk, where i fumed and stormed. when we finally got home, i started to cry. it was an alarming amount of crying, to the point where travis asked if we should call someone. my choice place of crying is in the bathroom, on the floor. travis sat there on that dirty bathroom floor with me and let me cry. he killed the spider who decided to join us. he brought me more toilet paper to blow my nose. he held onto me and just let me feel everything. and then when i could finally talk again, he asked me to tell him what i was thinking about.

and i told him. i told him everything. even the really bad, petty, hopeless, angry things i didn't want to tell anyone, ever. instead of looking shocked or judging, he offered really good advice.

about a month ago, the night before i turned 23, i had another rough night. i was angry at the boy i thought i loved a long time ago, because i am always the bad guy. (this is a really long story and i'll have to tell it sometime.) basically, he went on a mission and i didn't wait. and while i wasn't waiting, i realized he wasn't good for me and that he hadn't actually treated me all that great.

well, i had a really big sack full of letters he wrote me while he was gone. when he came home and things didn't work out, i couldn't let myself throw all those letters away. they represented four years of loving someone and of a lot of growing up. those letters had been sitting in the basement of our house. travis knew what they were, but he didn't bother me about them. i would actually think about those letters a lot, because i knew they needed to go, but i couldn't bring myself to throw away that part of my life.

so that night, before my birthday, i told travis, "i need to burn some stuff."

and we lit up a huge bonfire.

travis helped me burn hundreds of letters.

those are just two examples of how i know travis loves me. what kind of man is comfortable with listening to his wife cry about how much a previous boyfriend hurt and is still hurting her, without being uncomfortable or jealous or feeling insecure?

not to mention letting his dog go live on a farm in idaho and buying me my doodle, working long weeks so i can finish my degree, and so many other little things he does to make me happy.

it's been incredible to come to understand travis better and to let him know me. i don't know how i ever got along without him.

:) hope this makes at least a little sense.

post script

2011-08-25T22:36:00.004-06:00

not twenty minutes after that last post, i was making lunch in the kitchen, looked outside, and saw a strange middle aged, hawaiian shirt wearing, fattish, man walking through my backyard.

my first reaction- AHHH!! stomach drops, heart beat races, sympathetic nervous system activates, and i duck out of sight.

great. if someone ever does try to break into my house, i'm going to duck and hide? apparently i'm all about the flight, not the fight.

after i realize that the man is holding one of our for sale flyers and not a lethal weapon, i get really excited and stealthily watch him stare at our house. he walked all around, stood in front of the giant window, and stared inside for a few minutes, while i crouched behind the curtains, holding my breath...for some reason.

(it's my house, dang it! i shouldn't have to hide behind curtains. the sympathetic nervous system makes us do crazy things...)

the middle aged, fattish man did drive a brand new white corvette. maybe he's rich enough to buy our house?

and he should probably pay extra for those years he took off my life, skulking around my backyard like that.

dear corvette driving, stalking man: if you ever come across this post, i'm sorry for calling you fattish. and for that hawaiian shirt you were wearing.

between him and the young couple who parked in front of our house for 15 minutes the other night, i'm feeling all privacy slipping away.

5 things to know about selling a home

2011-08-25T10:30:00.006-06:00

our house is for sale.

when we decided to sell our house, we thought, no big deal. our house is beautiful, in the desirable city of murray, in a great neighborhood. we'll sell it in no time.

yet, here we are, three months later, with the damn sign still sitting in the front yard.

i would like to share a few things i have learned about selling a house.

1. expect rejection and don't let it be personal.

after spending countless hours and thousands of dollars (of wedding money, i should add) making your house look gorgeous and feel homey, it can be hard to accept that someone else doesn't like it.

"but we redid the _____!"

"but the new windows and roof!"

no. not everyone likes your house enough to want to live there. yes, you chose nice colors and painted your door red, and spent way too much time on the landscaping. get over it.

2. keep the house clean at all times and don't be upset when you have to rearrange your day for a showing.

you might have your busy day all planned out to a tee. don't be surprised when your realtor sends you a text saying, "showing at 2?" and having to drop everything to mop, spray down, wipe off, and dust your house. don't be upset when the family viewing your house sticks around for an extra hour or two, when you have a test for your online class and really need your quiet office. don't be too bothered when you spend hours cleaning and then the family rejects your house ten minutes after the showing. hey, at least your house is consistently clean now.

3. get over the personal space issues.

strangers are going to come over and touch your stuff. (that was not meant to sound so dirty.) they will examine your closets and toilets. your showers will be scrutinized for cleanliness. your pantry and its contents will be judged. either take or hide the most valuable of items, and get over the idea of a stranger walking through your bedroom.

4. expect bad manners.

when you have a showing, you'll get excited. this is the one! you'll think to yourself. you'll watch from a distance, pretending to walk your dog, as their car pulls up and the family files into your house. you'll drive by as slowly as possible and creepily peer through your windows at them, trying to get a read on their reactions to your home. after they leave, you'll anxiously await hearing from your realtor to hear the verdict. the day will go by, and nothing. another day, and then another, and your realtor apologizes because their realtor hasn't returned his calls. your hopes will slowly die, and you'll forget your former optimism. you may even get strung along by a family who promises to write an offer, then takes three weeks and then offers $40 grand below your asking price. you have to expect these terrible manners and move forward.

5. don't stop loving your own home.

between wanting a new home in a new location, and hearing so many families reject your home, it can be easy to start resenting the home. it won't sell, it's not what you want anyway, it's a money pit, etc. you might start avoiding going home and spending time there because it's not what you, or apparently anyone else wants. even though you'll have to halt the work on the house, stop hanging pictures (because of the holes) and stop decorating, you should still appreciate the home for what it is and what it has taught you. enjoy and love your home, and keep praying and hoping that someday, someone, will see the home's potential and quality.

because it will happen.

eventually.

go here to view our MLS listing.

slacking and coveting my husband's body...um

2011-08-25T09:50:00.006-06:00

it's 9:51 am.

kickbox starts in 9 minutes.

i am sitting in my kitchen, eating junior mints.

i have homework, an online stats class to figure out, a house to clean, a tape to transcribe, and laundry to do. i need to shower and get myself ready for class later.

instead, i have been sitting here, playing on picnik for the past 45 minutes.

at least i'm awake right?

so things are pretty good around here. i'll fill you in bullet style:

i celebrated my 23 birthday! (pictures to come when/if i ever find the USB cord.) travis arranged for a guy he works with to take us rock climbing. we drove down to american fork canyon around 7am and had a really good time. later that night travis took me shopping for new running shoes and then out to cheesecake factory, where i devoured the chocolate coconut cheesecake. (side note: when travis took me shoe shopping, he had a $20 gift card that he graciously let me use. how did he get this gift card? the fire department challenged their employees to lose body fat, and for every half percentage lost, they would give away $10 to sport's authority. how did travis, who is already only 14 percent body fat, manage to lose another percentage you ask? by eating hamburgers, brats, and THIRTY chocolate chip cookies in ONE day! they tested him the weekend after and he had lost body fat. he probably burned calories digesting all those cookies. life isn't fair, amirite?!)

our fridge, that has slowly been dying over the past year, finally kicked it. (with my cheesecake leftovers inside, so those had to go to, which was almost worse than having to buy the new fridge.) we went fridge shopping and used all my tuition money on the beautiful stainless steel kitchen idol! it even has a water/ice button! oh being married and getting excited about new appliances... by the by, why does something always have to break right around the time tuition is due? does this happen to everyone else?

school started. i'm taking four classes- stats, psych of adolescence, childhood and adolescent development, and techniques of counseling. other than stats, i am in love with this semester! my techniques of counseling class is going to be three hours a week of practicing counseling each other. no tests, just applying real things i will be doing after graduation- the way every class should be, in my opinion.

several of my close friends came out to utah for a visit- bonnie and morgan and jane a few months ago- and it was really great to spend time with them and catch up.

basically life is going on as usual. summer is coming to a close and i'm ready for some cooler weather and leaves turning gold.

enjoy some of the products of my picnik time wasting!
(because you just want to keep seeing my wedding pictures...)

10 down, 2 to go. and yes. i know that's too much college.

2011-08-16T19:55:00.004-06:00

gonna brag it up for a sec.

my teachers finally posted summer semester grades.

my 10th semester of college
the hardest semester of college.
my first time doing online classes
and our internet was down for two weeks
right during midterms.

the worst summer i have ever had.
well second worst.
i'm sure it would have been easier
if i hadn't just had my IUD put in,
bought a puppy, and decided to sell our house
all at the same time.

but my 3.8 GPA
made all those missed vacations,
late nights, 12 hour paper writing sessions,
thousand + pages of reading,
countless hours of online lectures,
and daily crying

worth it.

(when i started at the U, i made a goal:
never to get below an A-.
so far so good.)

thanks travis, both of our parents, and any of you who
talked me down and reassured me i could do this.

two more semesters and i'm done with my undergrad. :)

this is how i feel right now.

last summer, atop the crouching lion hike in oahu.

the time my nemisis became my friend

2011-08-11T15:21:00.006-06:00

good news. remember the girl from the gym who i just couldn't stand? and how it bothered me so much that we had this mutual disdain? this morning at kickboxing we had a breakthrough.

so to backup a tidtch, i learned why i instantly couldn't stand her. in my psychology of love class, i learned that being in a heightened state of arousal can cause us to misinterpret our feelings. so for example, if you're standing on a very high bridge and it's swinging and dangerous, and a super mc-hottie comes to rescue you, you might mistakenly place your feelings of adrenaline and being swept off your feet onto the hot rescue man, instead of just realizing that you are freaking out from certain danger of the scary bridge. well apparently this can go both ways. like if you're at the gym in a state of arousal (from the cardio workout, you pervs, not because i'm aroused aroused) and there is a girl there who you are a little bothered by, because her abs are so incredibly nice that she really could wash her laundry on them, then that feeling of being bothered could be blown incredibly out of proportion, leading you to post shallow and rude things about her on your blog. or to have a feeling of dread the entire week before kickbox class.

no really, tons of people who are in accidents or disasters together end up together, in true love. it's true. it's science.

so, having this knowledge, i decided to try again. and today, when we were supposed to find a partner to "spar" with, i asked her to be my partner. and when she mentioned her husband, i asked her how long she has been married. which led us to a conversation about the adjustments of married life and then we were laughing and making jokes and pretty soon we were friends. and yeah, i'm still a little jealous of her rockin' bod and i'm pretty ashamed of myself for my previous post, but this right here, this is progress. you know, being the change and all that. plus i have a new friend. :)

and yeah, i am using psychology to justify all my faults. knowledge is power, yo.

some musings

2011-08-09T14:41:00.002-06:00

the past few weeks i have felt overwhelmed, and not just with finals. (and out of the ten semesters so far i have done in college, this summer was by far the worst.) the past few weeks i have felt myself responding with sarcasm, cynicism, and disbelief to everything i come across.

my psychology textbooks are filled with the problems of the world- marriages that don't last, partners who cheat, parents who abuse their babies, poor black women who trade sex for food and end up with HIV, (i went on a random AIDS kick and read all kinds of the latest stats. fastest growing group of people who are infeccted: african american women.) i learn about how neurotic personalities lead to lonelier, shorter lives, and i am afraid that's going to be me. i worry about my eating habits. i worry about my younger brothers and if they're happy and becoming good men who treat women with respect.

i have been far too concerned with what other people think about me. does travis's family think i'm a good fit for him? does my dad approve of the person i have become? do those people on facebook who i don't ever see think i've let myself go since i got married? do the people i love know i care for them?

then there are the things i see all around me that bother me and make me feel helpless. like yesterday, in line at the sunflower market, the pictures on the magazines. a beautiful, busty, incredibly fit woman with the caption, "you can lose those jiggly legs in 3 weeks!" why should losing my jiggly legs be my first priority? don't i have enough to worry about?

or like on sunday, i was teaching our class about how to make homelife better. one section in the teacher's manual specifically instructed me to tell the boys in the class to learn how to take care of children and to be involved in childcare in their own homes someday. i told the boys this, and they said things like, "don't all girls want to do that baby stuff? shouldn't boys do the outside work and girls do the inside work?" even the girls in the class said they would rather do the "girl" jobs. and i feel so helpless to explain everything.

then i feel overwhelmed when even thinking about raising my own children. there are so many things in our culture that i disagree with. how do i raise a kid to know better when it's all around us.

last night when i was cruising around on the facebook, i stumbled on an event that just bothered me. it's a walk/run to support making utah "less uptight." reading the comments and all the hate for the lds church breaks my heart. it breaks my heart that some lds church members have that kind of hate for homosexuality.

basically, i want to change the world, but i feel completely helpless.

all i can do is change myself, like that famous gandhi quote: "be the change you want to see in the world." i don't have the power to change the minds of those who harbor hatred for something they barely understand. i don't have the power to control the media and what they publish. i can't control what other people think of me.

but i can learn and do everything in my power to understand people who are different from me, so they don't seem so alien. i can show compassion to every human being i meet. i have to stop caring about what other people think, because i'm the only person i have to impress.

"Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think." -Benjamin Disraeli

"Once in a while it really hits people that they don't have to experience the world in the way they have been told to." -Alan Keightley

also. i'm going to permanently delete my facebook. right now. :) much love to all of you. :)

condoms and gluesticks.

2011-08-04T09:07:00.017-06:00

disclaimer: this post talks about condoms. if that makes you uncomfortable, just click the little red X at the top right. but, with that opening line, you're probably going to keep reading.

i'm taking accutane right now. it's my second go 'round and it's working great. maybe sometime i'll get brave and post my before and after pictures. some serious pimple-idge. anyway, if while you're taking accutane, you should happen to get knocked up, your baby will be born without ears. and some other sad birth defects. so while i'm taking accutane, travis and i have to use two forms of birth control. i chose the iud and condoms. (last time i took accutane was before we were married, so i got to claim abstinence as my birth control. how cool is that?)

well, buying condoms is always a pretty good time. first off, you get to stand in the awesome FAMILY PLANNING aisle, right next to the vagisil and monostat. and for some reason, it's always late at night, and the florescent glow adds some real romance to the occasion. last time we went condom buying, as we stood there, studying options (glow in the dark! warming and cooling! ribbed for her pleasure! - i'm sorry, but warming and cooling all up in my business just seems like a bad idea.) anyway, we're standing there staring, and this woman walks up and stands next to us. she looks pretty upset about something. then, she abruptly grabs a pregnancy test, mutters under her breath, and stomps off. we felt pretty bad for her, but appreciated the drama.

well last night was that blessed time again. luckily for us, school supplies were on sale so we picked up some glue sticks for 50 cents. after playing the game of "whose blood pressure is the lowest?" (it was mine, btw, but travis did beat me in lowest pulse. and i know that should be "lower" not "lowest" but "lowest" sounds more like an actual game name.)

oh ps, there are some condoms called "magnums" that are for the extra large and i feel really strange about that because of magnum guns. so if you're extra large, it's a gun... and that's pretty frightening and freaky to think about. geeze, what does that do for the self esteem of the guys not buying magnum? why does a man's self esteem need to be centered on size? why is extra manliness associated with guns and therefore, violence? oh and the packaging is pretty intimidating, too. (no pun intended...)

anyway, we picked out our non-magnum condoms and headed up to the front to checkout. i handed our cashier the booty and our good-find-gluesticks. when you buy condoms, the cashier always does this double take and then tries to act like he didn't just picture you... buying condoms. so our cashier, a young strapping lad, does the double take and i'm not going to let that go unnoticed. so i said, "should make a pretty good combination right?" he started stammering and laughing, saying, "um... i guess the glue would help against the pregnancy thing right? or something?"

thanks man, that's a new one.

travis and i walked out laughing, with him telling me that once again, i have gone too far.

(yesterday) happy brithday harry potter! oh and happy one year anniversary!

2011-08-01T08:09:00.007-06:00

finding out that we were married on harry potter's birthday (thank you alyssa) only made me love our wedding day more.

so yesterday was the big one year mark for travis and me. and what a wild ride this year has been!

i have heard a lot of single people (and i used to say it, too) say that people rush into marriage. that people should get to know each other better and make sure they know what they're getting in to. well, a year into it, i can honestly say that i don't think a person will ever know exactly what they're getting in to. travis and i had known each other since we were 15 and dated on and off for two years before getting married. i thought we knew each other, but there are things about a person you just don't discover until you are sharing a home, paying bills, deciding who will do what chores and the cooking, and deciding when and if you want to start a family.

the first year of marriage? definitely hard for me. adjusting to living with only one roommate who is gone two to three days of the week was difficult. adjusting to living in a fixer upper construction zone of a house was not a good time. when you're dating and not paying a mortgage, going out on dates is a lot more fun. figuring out how to make ends meet when college tuition and buying a new roof both suck all the money out of the account was a little bit scary. turns out i have a huge fear of having a baby and when travis's side of the family harasses me about kids i get defensive. learning how to balance each other's families was one of the hardest things about the past year for me.

the good news? we did it. we adjusted to living with each other's various habits. we remodeled our house into a place that feels really nice. we learned how to budget and save and cook instead of going out to cafe rio for lunch. we have started figuring out how to balance our extended families while enjoying our own little family. i mean seriously, we had 10 DAMN DOGS living, pooping, and crying in our basement all winter! none of this year was easy! (i told travis i may never forgive him for making me birth his dog rox y all night while he was at the fire department.)

but here we are, still married and loving each other so much more than a year ago when all this started. honestly, it makes me a little worried for what next year may bring, but i kind of think it will only get easier from here. the cliche is that nothing worth having is easy. this hasn't been easy in any way and i'm so happy to have the first year over with.

so what have i learned this year about us? i learned that it's hard to pick a fight with travis because he just laughs the angrier i get. (which in turn, makes me angrier...lol) i learned that we make a really good team when we're doing projects around the house and yard. we're really good at teaching our sunday school class and we are both really good with adolescent punks. :) we're good at training our dog, charlie and when we sit down and create a budget, we stick to it. we're good at taking care of each other when we're sick. travis always knows how to make me feel better about myself. i think i help travis have more confidence in himself, like, he has dance moves none of you would dream he could do! i really have learned that commitment isn't just a word, it's keeping a sarcastic comment to yourself, laughing when you want to yell, supporting his dreams even though it means you have to sleep alone 1/3 of the time, appreciating everything he does for you, and yes, birthing a huge, angry, scary white lab for him. and, it's 100% worth it.

so yes, in our culture, 50% of marriages fail, most of them within the first three years. marriage is a huge change and adjustment that isn't easy, but completely worth it. travis is my best friend, my lover, my partner in crime, and my eternal companion. i'm so thankful for him and for everything he does for me. as it said in his card yesterday, "one year down, 77 more to go!" (our goal is to live to be 100.) oh and i should probably share something else about his card. he made it himself. on the front, he cut out an enormous, ripped, shredded black man's body and glued in on. then inside the card, it says, "maybe if i looked like this without my shirt, our first year would have gone a little more smoothly." ha! love that man. :)

happy one year babe!

dear marriage,

2011-07-12T22:31:00.003-06:00

you have been very enlightening this past 11 1/2 months. i've enjoyed much of you and i've adjusted to much of you. but really, it would be lovely if you would allow me to see my husband a bit more. i know, i know, it's not really your fault... but then, it seems we saw each other a whole lot more when we were just dating. and i know, we weren't paying for anything really and now we have a whole host of grown up bills, but i really miss this man i call my "life partner."

you see, travis is working 97 hours this week and this isn't the first time. turns out growing up is a little lonely sometimes.

the other day, a song came on the radio and it was a song i first heard in hawaii. i thought wistfully of days being crammed in the evans' bimmer, smashed next to people i loved, not a care in the world except hoping the weather would be sunny that day. but that's not true, because i had stresses and worries then, just different ones. seems like before i got married i worried a lot about boys- who liked me, who would ask me out, who i was going to end up with. i worried about my looks, my weight, my skin, roommates, etc. i'm sure in a few years i'll look back at myself in this stage of life and think my worries were trivial.

i remember before i was married or thinking about marriage, i felt like it was so far away. it was something "those" people did and "they" were a different sort of people than me. i felt like they didn't need my friendship anymore and that they were just living happily ever after. turns out people still need support after they are married. marriage isn't a cure-all.

sometimes i wish i could line up all the "me's" from different stages in my life and let them have a pow wow. the little kid me would probably tell the now me to calm down and make more time for reading good books. i would tell the 15 year old me to hang in there, that people get nicer later in life. i doubt that the now me would listen to the sage and wise 50 year old me saying, "don't worry so much about keeping your house clean or your face made up. just enjoy the fact that you have so much energy."

this thing we go through, this life thing, it's not always roses and daisies. sometimes when i read, or rather, stalk, other blogs, it sounds like everyone else's life and marriage are so perfect. oh so no one else has petty fights with their husbands about household chores? no one else ever thinks rude thoughts about their spouse? apparently i'm the only one who ever hurts her husband's feelings? i'm not buying that. maybe we should all sit down together and be honest about the things that make us angry, blue, or lonely, instead of reading each other's blogs about how wonderful life is.

and there's the part of my brain telling me to stop being so ungrateful. because there really are wonderful things in my life. i have a loving family, supportive friends, the opportunity to get my education, a freaking goldendoodle! not to mention the most amazing part of my life- travis randy bodtcher. :) after working 15 hours yesterday and all day today, when i visited him at the station he rubbed my back. (don't worry; i rubbed his too. i'm a pretty decent wife like that.) i'm stressed out about money and he's like, don't worry, i'll take care of it.

i guess i just want anyone who reads this blog to know that adjusting to marriage is pretty hard. but when it's good, it's good. and us married people, we're a lot like single people- we just have more sex. (no really, the numbers don't lie; i learned that in my psychology of love class.)

basically, i love my husband, new phases of life take adjustment, we always want what we used to have, and i'm thankful to have this life to figure it all out.

redheads and RIP

2011-06-27T18:13:00.004-06:00

there is a certain code between neighbors. you're polite, you compliment their flower garden, you wave hello when they drive by on their way to work. if you get really friendly with them, you might teach their children piano lessons or invite them to join your weekly book clubs. it's all well and good to be friends with your neighbors, but the problem with neighbors is that when things don't go so smooth, they're still your neighbors. if you have a breakup with a friend, chances are you don't see that friend anymore. but ah, the neighbors, they will still be across the street, taking their dog for a walk in front of your house, and possibly sitting in the pew across from you in church services.

you might recall that for mother's day, travis gave me two little kittens. they were adorable and sweet and it was very thoughtful of him.

but what does this have to do with the code of ethics between neighbors?

let's do a little math equation:

sweet neighbor cat gives birth + neighbors give you two cute little kittens + the kittens disappear after two months

= their adorable four redheaded children asking me "how are the kittens doing?" with their giant blue eyes staring up at me. and me answering, "um. well. the kittens, they disappeared."

gasps.

me adding: "we're really really sad about it! we looked everywhere but they are gone. we hope someone nice just took them in."

those beautiful blue orbs still staring as their expressions
turn to disgust at the cat killer before them.

then i run into their father a few days later. he is a very serious and solemn man. he asks me the dreaded question and i get the same kind of reaction. lying did cross my mind, until i thought about the kids asking me to see pictures and me having to print pictures of cats i find online and carry them around with me when i'm near their house. and that was just too messy.

the truth shall not set me free.
for i am a cat killer.

the moral of the story is: don't take free things from the neighbors. don't accept favors or darling little kittens, especially if there are four little kids who adore said kittens and are devastated to see them go. and then to hear that they have disappeared.

also, between this and the whole me wanting to kill roxy thing, please don't show my blog to peta. thanks :)

also, as humorous as i try to make this post sound
i really was upset about the cats disappearing

hope you're in a better place kittehs.

doodle humps

2011-06-24T12:56:00.004-06:00

real quick.

i have to go take a test, but i needed a break from studying.

a couple days ago, travis and i were running errands. we decided to take charlie along, since we try to take him along everywhere we go. after hitting the bank, we had to go to one of the fire stations to sell a guy our leftover roofing supplies. the guys working aren't guys i know very well, since they aren't on travis's platoon or crew. i was happy to have charlie along, because he is a great icebreaker.

when we walked up to the station, charlie ran up to one of the guys (i will name him billy for privacy's sake) and i waited for the usual response: "oh wow! cute dog!"

nothing. except billy seemed annoyed and acted like charlie was in his way. i quickly called charlie over to me. billy didn't seem to be a dog person. (which is fine; i don't like most dogs either.)

travis talked to billy and another guy for what seemed like hours while i tried to keep charlie out of the way. the other guy really liked him and that made me feel less awkward. i finally asked billy, "do you have a dog?" he told me he didn't, that he wasn't really a dog person.

as we were getting ready to leave, the guys started teasing us about being newlyweds and all the "perks" that come along with that. dirty, dirty firemen. :) just as i was teasing them back, charlie, seeming to sense the sexual vibes of the conversation, approached billy, mounted his leg, and full throttle humped him.

i was thoroughly shocked that my sweet, innocent doodle could know how to do that. and then billy, probably to save face, had to ask,

"have you ever seen travis do that before?"

needless to say, i won't be taking charlie back to that fire station any time soon.

douglas clyde charles

2011-06-19T22:40:00.004-06:00

in honor of father's day i would like to say a few things.

this is my dad: douglas clyde charles

and me, obviously. this was taken last saturday after we went mountain biking up millcreek canyon, had spoon me, and then curry in a hurry, in that order.

my dad is a really great person. everyone says that about their dads, usually, but really my dad is a great person. even if he weren't my father, i would still be his friend.

these are a few examples of my dad's character.

growing up, my dad worked hard. he worked at a job he hated, fidelity investments, for a long time. even with all the long hours, he still had time to play catch with us, cook dinner with my mom, come to all our sports and music events, and take us on trips. my dad is huge on working hard and playing hard, so we spent summers at my family's cabin in island park, where my dad dragged us out fly fishing and took us motorbiking. in the winters he planned huge snowmobiling trips. my parents didn't have much money, but the little they had was spent making memories with our family.

when i graduated from high school, i told everyone i was moving to the beach to become a bum. my dad would have none of that, and he straight up told me that if i didn't move out and go to college, he would kick me out. if i went to college, he would help me pay for it. the kicker was that i had to move out. none of this living at home going to school thing i wanted to do. that summer we fought every time we spoke and i thought he was pretty much the meanest man alive. looking back, i'm so glad he kicked me out of the nest, because i learned so much living on my own.

my dad met travis two years ago, when he was picking me up for a date. my dad was in the kitchen cooking and i thought, i'll leave these two alone for awhile and see how it goes. (my dad totally denies this story.) as i was leaving the room to "grab my purse" i heard my dad ask travis, "so. you want to be a fireman. isn't that really hard on your family life?" DAD! my dad really wasn't TEAMTRAVIS for a long time and it was because he wanted me to be sure about such a huge decision.

my dad adores my mom. i have this memory of a time we were on a motorbike ride with the family. we were riding alongside this field and suddenly my dad jumped off his bike, ran into the field, and picked a bunch of wildflowers. he ran over to my mom and handed them to her. he still flirts with her, teases her, takes her on exciting dates, and splurges for her birthdays and christmases, always surprising her. the only time i remember my dad getting really angry with my brother was when he made my mom cry. my brother got the belt that day and i vividly remember hearing the belt slap his bottom and then his screams.

my dad raised me to always try harder, always do your best, always plan something exciting to look forward to, don't worry about what other people think of you. he taught me to love good music and he's a pretty stellar dancer. he's thoughtful; he never talks about himself, but he'll listen to my silly stories. he's very generous with his time and money. the older i get the more we are friends and the more i realize i'm a lot like him. - not that i'm generous and awesome- he has flaws just like anyone else. but seriously, whenever i'm being ridiculously stubborn and sarcastic and travis calls me "doug" - it's the best feeling. i'm so thankful to have a father who takes care of our family and is a wonderful example of living life to the fullest.

happy father's day daddy! love you!

the sportsbra not hottie who helped me break my good streak

2011-06-16T22:18:00.004-06:00

ok. i know i made that goal to think nice thoughts and say sweet things about others. well, this story will involve me breaking my goal. (didn't take long)

you know when you meet someone and you instantly feel mutual disdain? even when it's a stranger and you haven't even had words yet? something about the way the person carries herself/himself, or maybe their scent, or terrible provo poof? (you know, the rat's nest found living atop many provo girl's crown area? i really believe it's a living thing.) and not only are you bothered by the person, but you can tell they don't care for you either?

this happened to me about a month ago. it's always surprising to me when this happens, because there aren't many people who bother me right off the bat. there's this girl who started coming to kickboxing and weights classes i go to. there's a certain behavioral code in these classes for us regulars. everyone has a certain spot, everyone gives each other their space, etc. when a newbie comes along, we give her a few classes to figure out our system, and then carry on with the new addition. well this girl, she started coming and taking my spot. i have worked up to the spot in the front left and everyone knows this is my spot. so this girl comes along and starts trying to take my spot. i'm nice about it, just kind of quietly boxing her out and getting there early enough to get it before she does. but i feel this awful feeling coming from her and i'm shooting it back, like we want to box each other's stomachs or something.

i promise i'm not that violent of a person. usually.

at first i thought, maybe i'm just jealous because she is pretty thin and works out in just a sportsbra, something i have always wanted to be bold enough to do. (my stomach has never, is not, and probably will never be rock hard abs of steel.) but then after staring at her a lot, i realized that she doesn't have that rockin' of a bod and i'm not jealous. just really shallow, apparently.

so i tried to change my thoughts about her. i smiled at her every day, said hello. she didn't respond with anything more than a nod or acknowledgment. she even started moving to the other side of the room the minute i smiled at her. i tried to think good thoughts about her, but i started thinking about her more than just at the gym. like these annoyed thoughts would pop up anytime i thought about my workout or going the next day. as much as i tried, i still dreaded seeing her every day, and even started going to different classes to avoid her, because seeing her made me break my goal of being nice.

last friday, i got to the kick class a few minutes late. she was there. in my spot. so i took the spot next to her and took a deep breath. the minute she saw me, she stopped warming up, grabbed her jacket and keys, and walked out. walked out! this is not in my head!

i didn't see her at all this week. and i haven't thought any nice thoughts about her, in fact, i keep thinking "i won!" over and over.

i don't even know her name. i don't know anything about her. all i know is i don't like her and she doesn't like me. and i don't see that changing anytime soon. :)

everyday life, including neighbor dick and dirty dirk

2011-06-09T23:00:00.005-06:00

thursday night. i just finished watching dirty dirk and co. defeat the heat with my dad. that is i watched it with my dad, not that my dad helped in the defeating. ahem.

i was lucky enough to see travis for a day this week. he'll be back next tuesday morning. ah, the things i could say sometimes about being a firefighter's wife... but i won't because it's just late and i'm just lonely. his job makes him so happy and there are many perks for me as well. i just can't think of any right now.

life has been pretty wild the past month. i overestimated my willpower and am doing summer semester. i thought i would give the trax business a break and do online school. so far it's not my favorite thing, but i'm trying to make the most of it. and the thousands of dollars i paid to participate in pretty much teaching myself the course material. i'm taking health psychology, psychology of love, (i know, right?) and, here's the kicker, infancy development. oh yeah, i'm learning all about pregnancy, infancy, and babies! i was signed up for adult development, but there wasn't enough enrollment (surprise) so i had to scramble at the last minute, and guess what class was the only one left? but really, it's fascinating and i'm learning so much. i have butt loads of respect for the female body and what it's capable of, but i don't necessarily want to utilize the lady bits right now.

what else? oh yeah the house being for sale. so there have been a few very interested people, but no offers yet. it keeps me on edge, because the house has to stay spotless all the time and i never know when the phone will ring and i'll have to grab charlie and vacate the premises so strangers can come over and touch my belongings. it's all very exciting though and i know it will be worth the stress.

so remember our grumpy neighbor, dick, (bah!) the racist? well, i have been trying to make friends, like always saying hi and asking him how he's doing, and i have made some progress, but the other day was serious friendship making. i had charlie outside and he was on his porch staring at us. i said good morning and he asked me what i had there. i took the initiative and dragged charlie across the street so he could pet him. we had a full on conversation and he ended up telling me all these personal things about his life. he also asked me about "the damn sign" in our yard and that he hoped we wouldn't be able to sell. thanks a bunch dick. :) feels good to have made a friend out of the old basty.

also. i have a new goal. when we were in junior high, my friend lilian and i made a pact that we wouldn't talk about people behind their backs and it made a huge difference in our happiness levels. so now that i have talked ish on neighbor dick, i will set this goal, no more gossip, negative thoughts, etc. about other people. i used to be a lot better at giving people the benefit of the doubt, so it's time for a change.

life really is great. when you stop complaining about never seeing your husband and how "rough" school is. enjoy some pictures of our getaway to island park last weekend and have a nice night.

we taught charlie to walk upright. like a human.

went four wheeling all day and enjoyed sunshine.

for sale, doodles, and loving the one you're with

2011-05-28T08:15:00.005-06:00

last friday night neither of us felt like cooking, so we headed out to the pie to ingest a month's worth of carbs and fat. mmmmm.

side note: the first day i start my period, i am allowed to eat whatever i please, guilt free. a few days ago when i was eating a kit kat at my parents' house, my mom looked at me, surprised, because i don't usually eat that kind of junk at night, and travis, without looking up from his game of angry birds, said to her, "it's period day. she can eat whatever she wants." seriously, the man is a dream.

anyway, the period was still giving me an excuse to eat anything, so travis and i ordered a cheesy, meat loaded pizza. as we were sitting there, wolfing down goodness, we said:

c: this is taking years off of my life!
t: laughs, i know right!
c: so we have to eat the same amount of slices then!
t: wait! what slice are you on? stop!
c: you're on 4 and i'm on 2! you stop!
t: well i want to die first anyway.

like ten minutes later:

t: wait! how many have you had! stop!

and i really hoped someone at another table heard him and thought he was an overbearing, abusive husband fueling my eating disorder.

we just have a really good time all the time.

in other news, our house is officially on the market! (second one down) yesterday my uncle, our realtor, called me with news that three people had inquired about our house yesterday morning. oh and they wanted to come over in 2 hours! i ran around cleaning showers and hiding laundry piles. they were early, naturally, so i watched this cute little family with three kids walking though our home. it was a little strange, seeing this family walking through our house and thinking they could live here instead of us. i'm never very good at settling down anywhere. i always have this itch to be going somewhere else, learning something else, etc. so i'm very excited for our new adventure to get going.

i saved the best for last. obviously if you're my facebook friend, you know we bought a goldendoodle last week. travis had been looking at them online for months and there was a litter in sandy, so we went to look, just for fun. turned out travis fell in love with the breed and i fell in love with one of the puppies. they were extremely cheap and we talked them down even cheaper, so we decided to buy one! we named him charlie, (thank you brittany bezzant, hollar!) and he is great. :)

homemaking

2011-05-11T08:56:00.000-06:00

designing and decorating homes. this is one of my favorite things to do. but since we aren't rolling in cash, i have had to learn to be creative about it. last night, my mom came over and we tried to make the newly painted tv room a bit more homey. my mom is wonderful at making something out of nothing and we had so much fun. we just wandered around my house and found things i already have to cozy it up. we only spent a few bucks on picture hangers and some fake geraniums for 2 bucks.

this little end table was given to us by a sweet older lady wanted to help us out with our new, empty house. plus she said she wanted to get rid of it. :) it cleaned up pretty nice with some wood polish. the "vase" was the "champagne" bottle they gave us when we stayed at anniversary inn. there's a giant hole in the back of the table, so we covered it with some books.

that painting on the wall used to be pink and silver. the same woman who gave us the table gave us two giant and horrible paintings. when travis painted our interior door white, i had him paint the two paintings too and then i repainted them.

DI frames, scrapbooking paper and a few pictures i took.

i thought those chairs would be the most horrible and ugly things ever, but my mom covered them with blankets and pillows and they took on a more eclectic look.

the footstool my grandma painted for us, more free stuff from older people unloading their junk, and the last of the geraniums. we could still use a little rug and maybe a lamp, but the room actually feels like a place we could relax and enjoy.

what do you do to pinch pennies while decorating?

more from the redbrick house

2011-05-10T17:57:00.003-06:00

we have decided to sell our house and move to daybreak,
so we've been working hard to finish everything.
and i found a rug for the front room :)

remember all the time i spent in the yard planting?
everything is starting to bloom!

no more giant, prickly bushes! no more random flower beds! (covered them in sod)

new windows and finished molding.

i bought frames from the DI for cheap and then used pictures
from my textbooks, magazines, paintings, and photos of our family to fill them.
cheapest craft ever.

another shot of the new windows. and some excellent fake flowers.

bah! i love this door so much!

i have had so much fun decorating this house,
but i never ever want to live in a fixer upper again.
there's always a mess to clean.
that being said, i really appreciate all the family
who spent hours helping us refinish floors, hang doors,
put up crown molding and base, paint, sheetrock,
tile, re-roof, and everything else.

if you know of someone who wants to
live in murray in a beautifully updated home,
please let me know. :)

sphincter upset

2011-05-10T12:47:00.006-06:00

i want to start this off by saying something truly personal.

i have always been blessed with regularity, the kind that you flush. i'll just come out and say it: i am lucky enough to poop several times a day, never have constipation or intestinal cramping. i rarely get sick, and probably only suffer from diarrhea twice a year. that being said, yesterday as i stood in my kitchen, gulping down 8 ounces of miralax, because i hadn't had a bowel movement in three and a half days, i stood back and thought, "when did this become my life?"

let me back up a few days.

last friday, i was lucky enough to go to the women part's doctor (as it's named in my phone) to have an IUD put in. or rather, shoved in. as aforementioned, i had a pretty bad experience my first time to the gynecologist when i passed out and fell off of the exam table. so, needless to say, i was entirely freaked out. my dear mom took me, because travis was working, and she did her best to keep me calm, but really, nothing can soothe a girl whose legs are in the stirrups and a strange (but extremely handsome, but then i love prematurely grey hair) older man staring at her hoo-ha.

when i'm nervous, i talk a lot and it's not always appropriate. so about the time dr. barton began to "feel me up" i had to ask, "how's my vagina?" dr. barton glanced up and replied, "oh, it looks very good, very healthy." my reply. "oh good, that's what every girl loves to hear!"

and so it began.

for those of you who haven't experienced an IUD, let me just say that it hurt. worse than anything else has ever hurt in my life. stabbing pain of my uterus being literally ripped. and there was blood and the doctor didn't want to go through with it because of how loud i was yelling. but there was no way i wasn't finishing after feeling all that pain, so he quickly shoved the thing up there, through my cervix and into my little, unstretched by pregnancy uterus. afterwards, i got sick, puked a ton, almost passed out a few times, and then had some very intense cramping. my sweet mom ran to the pharmacy to get me lortab, and that helped a lot.

the doctor had gotten to know me pretty well by then and said the best thing to comfort me. he came in to check on me after, and said, "it could be worse. at least you're not pregnant." i wanted to kiss him!

so apparently, my body really loves lortab. i had never had any drugs like that before, but once it kicked in, i was feeling gooooood. we went wedding dress shopping with my aunt and cousins and i was a little more inappropriate than usual, at one point yelling, "that dress really makes your boobs look so perky and luscious!" the woman working at the shop didn't really know how to handle it. my cousin also had strep throat, and they were trying to keep it on the DL, but i loudly asked her how she was feeling and mentioned that she had strep at least 4 times.

anyway, back to the miralax. so after all the trauma and pain, and then the intense cramping that followed me home, i was reluctant to, shall we say, push in any way down there. so i didn't poop for a day. then two. then by day three, i was freaking out. hence the miralax.

plus i got a terrible cold. pretty much my body is railing against me for the foreign device now living inside my (according to the doctor) textbook uterus. but i am proud to announce that an hour ago, i had a bowel movement, did the deed, dropped the duce, or travis's personal favorite, "took the cosbys to the pool."

anyway, the pain is a lot better and travis has taken excellent care of me. plus he gave me a cat for mother's day and decided he wanted one of his own, too. oh and, one last thing. the doctor told me i had the strongest pelvic floor muscles he had ever seen. i've been bursting with pride that the pilates and yoga have actually worked. :)

hope your sphincters and rectums are all in good health!

the dog un-whisperer

2011-05-02T15:06:00.005-06:00

i'm supposed to be doing research for my last final due this thursday. instead i'm doing this, guiltily, so i'll try to keep it short.

basically this afternoon i felt like getting outside and doing some yard work. the rosebushes in the back had grown like 8 feet tall so i took the clippers to them. an hour later i had blood dripping down my legs and had killed 2 spiders, but the bushes are considerably smaller. i was looking around admiring my mad gardening skills, when i noticed travis's dog, roxy, looking forlornly at me from her pen in the back. please let me out she seemed to beg.

in case you don't know, roxy and i have a terrible relationship. i have cursed, hit, abused and hated on her just as much as she has been a huge sock eating, puking, pooping, babypuppy abusing shit to me. but because she is travis's dog, i have tried my best to make friends. and she looked so sad sitting there and the weather is so nice out, i thought, i'll put her on her leash and let her out for a bit.

something else you should know about roxy. when travis is around, she's an angel. when travis is gone, she runs away and i have to chase her. in the past, this has allowed the neighbors to see me at my finest, classiest moments, like when i run down the street in my sweats and scream curse words and also for my bishop to witness me choking her and beating her while yelling at him, "i hope this dog gets hit by a car!" and if you're thinking, oh sad, collette beats animals and is pretty much the cruelest person ever, let me just say that i love animals, but roxy, she is not of this earth.

so today, i had somehow forgotten all roxy put me through last winter and though i'd let her out. i prepared her leash and tied it to the tree in advance, i had figured out her chain collar, now all i had to do was get it around her neck before she ran away from me. it started well; i got the chain on her and was trying to tie her up, when she started jumping and the chain was slipping off her neck. i was sitting on her and she started panicking, probably thinking i was trying to hurt her, and she got really aggressive with me, i freaked out and she slipped out of her chain and was gone.

oh great.

so i started chasing her down the street, where she was running circles around an ancient man doing yardwork. she stopped to take a HUGE green dump in the neighbor's yard, but was off again. i'm not as fast as she is, so i was hoping to corner her somewhere. instead, she veered right into another neighbor's, (and conveniently enough, ex boyfriend of mine) driveway. i heard the sounds of dogs fighting and then a woman screaming. i upped my pace to a sprint and found that roxy had run straight into their kitchen. (apparently their front door was open.) roxy was fighting/playing with their dog and the screams were coming from the pregnant wife, and who could blame her. roxy saw me coming and tried to escape capture by running for the stairs. at this point, i was done playing games. i took a running start, and then a magnificent leap through the air, landing right on top of her back and straddling her.

this was the tackle of all tackles. if i were a pro linebacker, this would have been replayed on espn repeatedly. i would have won an award. you get the idea.

i turn around to see my old flame and his pregnant wife staring at me and was brought back to the embarrassment of reality. roxy and i did the walk of shame home while i considered turning her into this.

the worst part of the whole thing: i almost didn't go after roxy and really considered telling travis she was abducted, while hoping she would get hit by a car. does rat poison work on dogs too? ...

go ahead, call peta on me.

horn tooting

2011-04-27T23:15:00.003-06:00

ok so i submitted a piece to a feminist blog a few weeks ago, not really thinking it would ever run, but they posted it! on the front page! :) i'm probably more excited than i need to be, but i really hope this explains a little more of what feminism is and why it's so important. it's very personal and i hope it doesn't offend any of you. i meant it to be helpful to anyone who is struggling with these kinds of problems.

this is the link: http://thefbomb.org/2011/04/dear-feminism/

check out the rest of the site; it's really great! :)

my obsession with the doodle

2011-04-11T22:05:00.008-06:00

i can't stop googling pictures of these:

GOLDEN DOODLES!

basketful of doodles!

oh noes! doodle mated with a snuffleupagus !

seriously? have you ever seen such hilarious/adorable animals?

this is where they come from ^

they are allergy friendly, light to non shedding, smart, pleasers, and

extremely expensive. :(

(like everything else i like.
seriously take me to the D.I. and i will accidentally
find the most expensive thing in there
and it will be the thing i want.)

but i am scheming ways to afford one.

this will come to pass. :)

the late night ramblings

2011-04-08T23:34:00.007-06:00

disclaimer: this post is way too long and way too ridiculous. don't feel pressured to read.

Nostalgia is a seductive liar. ~George Wildman Ball

Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days. ~Doug Larson

Nostalgia is like a grammar lesson: you find the present tense, but the past perfect!
~Owens Lee Pomeroy

Everything can be killed except nostalgia for the kingdom, we carry it in the color of our eyes, in every love affair, in everything that deeply torments and unties and tricks.
-julio cortazar

I don't think nostalgia has to be negative.
-van morrison

I know what it's like to be in one place and dream of another. I also know what it's like to feel that nostalgia is a fairly useless thing because it is stasis.
-mira nair

in case it's unclear how i feel tonight, i feel homesick and nostalgic. it all started with my mumford and sons pandora station. you know how sometimes pandora or shuffle on the ipod seems to read your mood and keep playing those songs you love most? tonight as i was washing my face, pandora kept spitting out music i fell in love with when i lived in hawaii. band of horses, coldplay, and glen hansard.

when i lived there, it was like my all emotions were heightened. as i have mentioned before, that island helped me heal from many things that i struggled with. that music played an enormous role in the healing. sometimes i wish i could write those artists and thank them for writing the words i so needed to hear, but i'm sure they receive letters like that on a daily basis.

ever since i was a little girl, i have wanted to go back to "the before." the summer of 5th grade was especially great, and after it ended, i would daydream about those great days. i used to commit certain moments to memory and then go through all the moments over and over, so afraid i would forget the happiness. i guess i really struggle with letting go of good things.

so tonight i have been thinking about all the wonderful events in my life. i remember my first year of college, moving into an apartment filled with half naked gymnasts and football players, playing poker and dani california blasting from their stereo. those muscly girls hauled all my boxes of pots, pans, bedding, and even furniture up three flights of stairs and were welcoming, coarse language and all.

the first meal i cooked after moving out was spaghetti and meatballs, those terrible costco meatballs that you can literally warm up in the microwave. my roomates were impressed. and then i drove home that weekend, a mere four days later. i was speeding and got pulled over. totally pulled the "it's my first time away from home officer; i just miss my parents so much." line and didn't get a ticket. i was going at least 95.

i remember my first love leaving on an LDS mission, and just knowing i couldn't live without him. i saved his all voicemails on my phone, and late at night when sleep wouldn't come, i would listen to them over and over, sobbing. that first love was so sweet, such teenage puppy love, staying out till 4 every morning to go train watching, talking about nothing, and listening to brand new or bayside's acoustic cd. after he left, i couldn't listen to music for a long time.

i remember every time i would come home for a weekend, my three brothers running to the door to hug me. they seemed to grow so much those three years i was gone. it meant the world to me, their excitement. thinking about it now makes me cry. i love those boys so much.

then of course there was the year i spent living in hawaii. that first house, three miles from school, and that purple beach cruiser i borrowed from the tongans sharing our duplex. the first time i met erika dick, i knew we would be friends. she talked a hundred miles an hour while she hung up her colorful clothes in the closet we shared. our toenails were painted the same orange and we laughed about that. she had tegan and sara playing in the background on her laptop.

i remember riding my beach cruiser to the grocery store, tamuras, and smelling fish and mildew. the big brown woman who taught me about pineapples as i was picking one. i remember hitchhiking for the first time, asking the man if he planned on raping me before i would get in his car. we always took our books to the beach and pretended to study. i still have scars on my knees from the mosquito bites i got while talking to travis on the phone outside. we didn't get phone service in the house. he used to stay up late and talk to me, while i paced the beach park across the street from the house. it was usually raining.

obviously i am homesick. it's late and the iron and wine isn't helping at all. i guess the point of all this rambling, is that sometimes i feel like i'm bursting with all these memories that make me who i am. and i look at travis and wonder if he ever feels that way and if i could ever know all the memories that make him, him. and if it even matters. but it seems like it does. do you know what i'm trying to say here? do you ever feel so full of memories and so homesick for those times that you can't stand it almost? not in a sad feeling way exactly, but a filled kind of way?

there's an ingrid michaelson song that goes,

they say that home is where the heart is

i guess i haven't found my home
and we keep driving round in circles
afraid to call this place our own.
and are we there yet?

i really like the way maya angelou put it and i will leave this ridiculous post at this:

You can never go home again, but the truth is you can never leave home, so it's all right.

all the gross things you never needed to know

2011-04-07T22:34:00.005-06:00

so lately i haven't been the best blogger evar. school has been sucking all motivation from my soul. oh but i love it so much! if i could just go to school for the rest of my life and not have to pay for it...

anyhow.

this is a small recap of life the past couple months.

random jaw popping pain.

ok so when i started dieting, of course i had to have a replacement for my addiction to sweet food. i started chewing gum. like, a pack of gum in thirty minutes. in the back of my head it was like, "ok this is too good to be true... it's like candy without the calories! this will catch up to you." about a month ago, i woke up with this terrible pain in my ear. positive i had an ear infection, we went to the doctor that very same day. turns out, we paid instacare 40 bucks for the young, fiercely cocky doctor to tell me to stop chewing gum. apparently i have given myself arthritis and gotten my jaws all out of whack. somehow that hurts my ear. well i stopped chewing gum, but started chewing licorice and salt water taffy. so now, i have this terrible, jaw bone grinding, pop! anytime i swallow. this will not end well... ha!

maybe it's like this for you, but i swear i always have the most random sicknesses/physical problems! there was the terrible case of hives i had senior year, covering my entire body and face and head and they were literally the size of dinner plates. lasted one day.

then there was the time in my first year of college, we went hot tubbing. a few days later, i developed BOILS all over my body - boils filled with PUS and that took three months to go away. my roommates probably thought i had an std. some crazy bacteria. did anyone else who went hot tubbing that night get them? no way hosea.

then there's always the story about my first trip to the gyno. not sure it's really internet appropriate, but it involved the creepy old man, the scared 17 year old (me, lol this isn't that weird, you perv!) passing out and falling off the table, bumping my head. the doctor told me to stay put while he got some juice but i threw my pants back on and peaced out of there.

good grief i didn't mean for this post to turn into all the grossest things ever. back to the bullets?

gardening!

we went flower shopping (!) and now have the most beautiful yard ever. if you remember our racist neighbor and his snarkish comments about our yard, you'll understand why i have to beat his yard this year. his grass really is extremely green though.

new windows and the new front door. pictures soon to come.

i'm all set up to graduate next spring. now i am trying to decide what master's program is the best fit. and next fall i get to start volunteering at the rape recovery center. there is a light at the end of the academiatunnel.

travis's new name for himself: housewife bodtcher. he also has a theme song which i will try to catch on tape for you. but i don't know how i would do it without him. he does so much around the house and takes such great care of me. i try not to write about how great he is every post, but being married and in school has been the easiest semester ever.

basically life around here is the same as always. constantly laughing and running around in socks seeing who can slide the furthest down the hardwood floored hallway.

travis weighs more and that is the ONLY reason he always wins.

good night!

spring break in st. george

2011-04-07T08:43:00.006-06:00

for spring break, travis and i drove to st george
to stay with my grandparents.

it was a much needed vacation.

we hiked snow canyon.

yes. it was necessary for him to even take video of this beaut.

-we spent time with my family, played hand and foot with the senior citizens from my grandparents retirement community, went to the st. george temple, and ate so much food! we went to an art exhibit, had a romantic bike ride at sunset, and went house hunting for travis's dad.

-we also learned that the extremely thin walls at my grandparents' weren't a newlywed's best pal.

-we laughed nonstop for the whole week. if there is something travis and i have going for us, it's our ability to be silly with each other, tease each other, and find humor in everything. driving down, i saw this huge, black, flapping shape on the side of the freeway. i thought it was an enormous bird, and pointed, saying, "WOW!" really loud. then i looked at travis to see what he thought about it, and he had this look on his face, like i was crazy. turns out the dark shape was a garbage bag. travis looks over to see his wife freaking out over a trash bag on the side of the road.

the rest of the trip he would periodically screech, "ka kaw ka kaw!" (bird sounds.)

marriage = hilarious.

garden wombs

2011-03-16T16:26:00.003-06:00

it's march. which means...

my garden is blooming!

i have been having dreams all winter that the flowers bloom and are as big as my head and a little alice in wonderland-esque. they aren't quite that big yet, but travis and i peek outside several times a day, checking to see what else has popped up.

also, yesterday i was getting dressed, put on a shirt i hadn't worn in a while, and it seemed a bit tight around the midsection. the scale says i'm not gaining weight, but the shirt disagrees. so of course i freaked out, thinking i had to be pregnant. i took a pregnancy test that is supposed to take three minutes to decide, and it declared my womb empty after about 2 seconds. poof! red minus sign before the pee even had a chance to cool. ...(sorry...)

so basically the garden outside is blooming while the garden in my uterus is pretty boring. :)

ehem.

blooming in the womb- alan schwartz

sunshine, winning, and fat wieners

2011-03-15T19:09:00.007-06:00

so i had a good moment on sunday, involving sunshine, winning, and fat wieners.

ok, before you click the red X at the top right, let me explain. i bet you will laugh at least a little.

after church on sunday, travis and i decided we needed to go outside and play. we had a new game, some kind of horseshoes thing, that needed breaking in, plus it was a gorgeous sunny day. we picked up travis's family on the way and headed to the park a few blocks from our house. we got to the park and set up the game and tossed the football around for a bit, just enjoying the day and the playful banter from the family.

well this guy is out walking his dogs, right, these two dachshunds who look a lot like this:

just the average looking, healthy dachshund, yes?

well as they walk by and are clear across the park at the other end, i tell my brother in law, kellen, "you have to see these fat dachshunds who live in our neighborhood!" and i start telling him all about how their bellies hang to the ground and when travis and i drive by, we drive by 3 or 4 times just to keep looking and travis finally has to drag me away because the owner has waved 3 times now and is looking suspicious.

the fat ones look like this, i promise

so anyway, i am telling kellen all about the dogs and how unbelievably fat they are, when the guy walking his thin dogs clear across the park turns around and yells at me, "are you talking about my wieners?!"

how in the great hell did he hear me from all the way across the park??

i yell back, "no, no sir your wieners look fantastic! i was not talking about your wieners at all because they look fit and nice!"

and then i realize that travis's family and the entire park has just heard me yell at a complete stranger how great his wieners are.

the intense and sappy love post

2011-03-08T22:22:00.003-07:00

no matter how many times it happens, i am still amazed at how with the right attitude, we can take something terrible and make it into something great. our neighbor committed suicide almost two weeks ago. this was someone who travis always looked up to, as he was a firefighter for salt lake city. it was a painful, terrible thing for travis (and everyone else of course) to go through, especially because when travis was young his foster brother committed suicide. but in all this pain and sadness, God presents us with possibilities for growth and for good. because of this travis and i have grown closer and trusted each other with so much more. i honestly keep thinking, "how can i ever get any happier and feel closer to this man?" and then the next day comes and i literally can't believe how happy we are.

it's been amazing to be married and to trust each other on this level i never knew existed. tonight when i left the fire station and was waving goodbye to travis, i got tears in my eyes because i was sad to leave him. good grief, he'll be home in a day, but the thought of my best friend being separated from me for even a day was enough to make me cry. ha! i never thought this would happen to me. :)

when you're close enough to someone to marry them, you think you have some small idea of what loving them feels like. i had no idea it would ever feel like this, and i can only imagine how intense it will be in even another year. a tangible measure of this growth is in the story of our little bed. when we first got married, sharing a full sized bed was only a little short of torture. neither of us slept well and we were constantly fighting for space and covers. now, we smash together and have the best sleep of our lives. when we stayed at anniversary inn, the queen sized bed was way too big and we were happy to get back to our full. i wish i could express the joy and fulfillment i find in being married to travis, but words are pretty limited.

i just never knew i had the capacity to love someone so much and accept that kind of love in return.

ok, ok this is getting wayyy to serious. :) love you and hope you have a great night!

and if any of you think you need to make some remark about "just wait until you have kids" please keep it to yourself. im enjoying the time i have to be just with my husband :)

this old house (kitchen edition)

2011-02-22T10:19:00.003-07:00

welcome to our home!
(new back door and molding)

amazing ksl classified finds

above is the afore mentioned fine china
and thanks to the many people
who give us their old things
like this beautiful hutch

BEFORE

i know you can't tell from the picture
but this kitchen was FILTHY!
we scraped the grease from the cabinets
and had to use oven cleaner to clean the walls.
pretty sad that the boydells, the previous owners
lived in this mess.

AFTER

we lucked out with the laminate floors in here
and the big windows. like the red chairs?
took forEVER! and travis's garage has
red paint all over. oops.
the curtains are vintage from my
grandmother's basement. :) my mom sewed the black part.

new countertop, sink, stove top, and backsplash.
my handihusband intalled everything!
with the help of his family of course.
but i was very proud that he figured out
the sink and countertop without much help at all.

BEFORE

AFTER

can't wait for the new windows :)

this old house

2011-02-22T09:59:00.006-07:00

BEFORE

whenever anyone asks me what has been
going on lately? i tell them this:

lucky for us, underneath the green shag carpet
was a beautiful surprise: hardwood floors
that had never seen the light of day.
so travis and our brother-in-law josh
and of course randy, the best father-in-law ever
refinished them :)

i try to keep up with all the construction helping, but
let's face it, the guys don't let me do much.
so i did most of the cleaning, painting, and decorating!
this lovely find came straight from D.I. for $20

that map above my beautiful baldwin hamilton
was originally wrapping paper from a wedding gift.
the loveseat and coffee table came from an estate sale.
(along with a butt ton of free fine china from japan!)
i am planning to get a rug, maybe something that
looks like a persian rug? red perhaps?
and the paint color appears blue in these
pictures, but is really more of a green.

mostly old clutter i have had, plus that crown from ross.
it always confuses men who come over
(ha not that i have "men" over! that didn't sound right.
men = family, friends, home teachers, etc.)
but when women see it, they're like oh i love that.
kind of like how most guys who are over are like,
"that couch looks pretty old." but the gals love it.

can you believe people lived with this carpet? ^

i much prefer this. :)

this room's improvements were:

6 can lights
refinished floors
patching the many holes in the wall
new primer
fresh new paint
new (ish) furniture and such
new baseboards and crown molding
and soon a new front door!

buying a fixer upper has been soooooooooooo much work
but it is starting to pay off.

mighty fine cookin' and the mouse in the house

2011-02-22T09:23:00.005-07:00

last night travis and i cooked

the easiest, most delicious dinner.
and because i am (provo girl voice) "super nice"
and mostly a showoff
i thought i would share it with you!

yukon gold potatoes, or yellow potatoes, are delicious. they are the common potato in europe and south america and have a very sweet taste. so you cut those bad boys up, throw em in a pot with olive oil and of course a bit 'o' butter, salt and pepper, parsley and other country spices, and a bit of paprika. then you stir them up, put the lid on top, and wait.

pork roast in the crock pot. probably the easiest thing in the entire world, yes? so in the morning, put the entire frozen slab 'o' meat in the crockpot. add lipton onion soup mix, some garlic cloves, onion, thyme, fennel, (again some red pepper for a little kick) and then a cup and a half to two cups of water on top of it all. don't forget to turn the crockpot on :)

asparagus is so cheap right now and we have been loving it. not much beats fresh asparagus. you can steam or do what we did here with a pan. add some water and let it cook with the lid on. then drain the water, and over the heat add butter (my feeling on veggies is that if at least you're eating them it's just fine to slather on the butter.) salt, pepper.

then! you have a home cooked feast!
so glad travis talked me into the white dishes.
after the saleslady told us they were bone china
travis took the bowl and stood on top of it
to see if she was right about them being strong.

and this may or may not have been right before i screamed to travis that there was a mouse in the front room. (there wasn't a mouse, but now i know exactly how terrified of mice he really is.) he started saying "where?! i am not sleeping here tonight! where did he go?!" and i felt so bad that i started laughing hysterically and told him the truth, at which point he may or may not have called me an ass.

sometimes he's right. :)

happy cooking!